Cure To My Aching Soul

32.What am I to you?

CHAPTER- THIRTY TWO

I walked back to my room,feeling dejected.I changed into my night wear and slept on my bed.I stirred on both the sides of my bed in an attempt to sleep but it was no where to be found.Why couldn't he attend the call in my presence?Didn't he trust me?My heart aches each time when he tries keeping secrets from me.It makes me feel vulnerable and insufficient.Why can't he just understand that and despite knowing the terrible bits of his past,I chose to stay,I chose him over all my expectations of having a happy ending,if happy ending was even a thing.

I had practically groomed my feelings for the day he would reveal his past.I was aware of the package that he carried along with him.I wasn't a naive lady to cherish his good looks by keeping myself in the dark.I appreciated his features but the thing that drew me closer was his personality.It was his ability to stay in light despite the looming darkness around him.

When he confessed that he was a drug addict,I was taken aback.I hadn't expected myself to experience such a cumulative trauma upon his confession.Drug addict?that was just not possible.To imagine a man like him,who is so controlled,sophisticated,disciplined in life was so vulnerable,weak to have chosen drugs as a medium of escaping his troubles back then,was next to impossible.I felt like I was stabbed repeatedly without mercy.All I wanted was to wake up and realise that this had been a nightmare.

As any other women out there,I too had a few expectations from my partner.Questions like,what if he falls into a dark pit in the coming future and finds his solace in drugs,just to escape the reality.He was vulnerable enough to make such choices back then and for all I know he may make those choices again.Was I ready for all this?To stand by him even when he is destructive and do I have the strength to pull him back from falling into the pit again?

It trembled my core existence at the sheer imagination of what he had done to experience such side effects that haunts him till date.I wasn't sure if I could handle myself at that moment when he revealed his bits and I didn't trust my brain to think and process,hence I walked away.I know,I had promised to stay by his side when he trusted me with his past but I hadn't expected this magnitude of his past.

I was glad when he didn't follow me back to my apartment.I sat there on my sofa weeping,there was this new budding emotion that craved to surface out and I wasn't able to figure it out.After a few minutes,when I had heard a knock on my door I knew it was him.I just let him in,allowed him to hold me in his arms,allowed his lips to trail across my skin,allowed him to soothe me as there wasn't any other person who could put me in ease apart from Shivaay.Till now,I had no idea why I invited him over to my parents place.I hadn't brought a single men I had dated to my parents place but Shivaay was different.Despite having dated for a few months,he was here with me in my home.

Perhaps I wasn't sufficient for him.Maybe he didn't feel the same way.Maybe I was just another fling or an experiment in his life.I know I hadn't confessed those three magical words that people often use for their beloved but neither had he once confessed it.I wanted to love him with every fibre in my heart but his nature to keep away things makes me doubt my love for him.I needed assurance,I couldn't let him fondle with my feelings.

I reached out to my cell on the night stand.I dialled his number.I didn't care if he was asleep,I needed him to man up and tell me I wasn't just his pass time.I didn't want to go to his room though it was just a few steps away,this time I wanted him to be the one to reach out for me. Gratefully my parents weren't at home because they had a club inauguration to attend to.The club's owner was a close business associate of my dad.

Within a few seconds he answered my call.

"Anika?Don't tell me you called me at midnight just to check upon me," he humoured.His voice was just like the soothing bliss that music creates,to me.