Guarded

Chapter 5 Never Be

Chapter Song: Never Be by Five Seconds of Summer

My phone ringing wakes me up, but I'm tangled in Zeke.

"Move." I push him and grab my phone from the night stand.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey! I know I'm late but we can still go to the mall right? I need to shower and such but is that okay?"

"Yeah mom that's fine. I'll kick Zeke out before you get here and then I'll change."

"And you'll tell me everything about that right?"

"Don't worry I will." I hang up and see Zeke looking at me.

"What?"

"You're kicking me out?"

"In fifteen minutes. During the week she works farther away and on the weekends she works on base. So you have fifteen minutes." He pulls me closer to him.

"I missed you Nova." I nod and close my eyes.

"No. No more sleeping. We still have things to discuss."

"Like what?" I mumble.

"Tell me what it was like. Why'd you do it?"

"You called me so many mean things Zeke. So I put it in my mind that I'd never be good enough for anyone. If you didn't want me then what good was I? I decided to lose everything. I wasn't skinny enough for anyone. So I'd fake eating or I'd eat and puke everything up later. Everyone knew that I wasn't okay, but I guess no one thought I'd go to that extreme. It sucked at first, then I programmed myself into thinking that this is what I'm supposed to do. Not eating became easier and puking became a daily thing. Soon I didn't need to force myself not to eat, and I was a pro at it. Then eventually I hit rock bottom and took it all out on myself. Mom found me on the floor pure white. I don't even remember what happened. I ruined my mother as much as I hurt myself. She was the one that had to see that. My dad doesn't even know the whole sotry and Dom was in Cancun with his now ex. She had to witness everything. She had to call 911 to clean everything and put me back together. I'm the one that ruined her. They had to shove so much food down my throat when I was in there. I'm not one hundred percent, and I don't know how to fix it." I roll out of bed and walk into the closet. My body's had enough rest now so it won't be very weak from the attack. I do want to get better, it's just so hard when you don't know how. I take the sweatshirt off and throw it in the corner of the closet. A pair of hands wrap around my waist and pull me close to them.

"Not now Zeke." I close my eyes and just try to block out all the negative thoughts of him seeing me like this.

"Relax Nova." I push him away.

"You're beautiful and you need to see that."

"It's not that easy! You look at me like I'm some petty case and I hate that!" He tries to come closer and wrap his arms around me but I move.

"What?"

"I'm not ready for this Zeke."

"Please Nov." He tries again to pull me but I shake from his grasp.

"I promise that I'm not going to hurt you like I did before. I messed up I know I didm but please believe me."

"It's ony been a day, not even. I can't just get right back into our relationship." I turn away and get dressed.

"Can we hang out again?" I bite my lip as I throw on a different shirt.

"I want to say yes, but at this point I just don't know." I turn around and face him. He's leaning against my closet arms crossed and just watching me.