DEAR DIARY

Chapter 4

Grief is a funny state if you view it objectively. You know what to do to make it a tiny bit better. You can recall all the meaningless phrases spoken in assurance that you have heard all your life. It's a simple matter of choice- whether to let those reassure you or not. And yet the heart shies away from all the possible antidotes that could have made it's condition better. The only reaction issued towards the assurances is disbelief and disregard. You know that providing nutrition to your body will lend it strength to cope. But your body itself signals the rejection with nausea.

Sombre thoughts like these continued running through Forth's mind as his gaze drifted around the room at the tiny group of people that had, over the years, become his family. He watched his beloved Beam bent over the inert form in the bed with a pen torch, shining the light in the eyes pulled gently open one at a time. His detached gaze then travelled to the one whom he had grown to think of as one who could always be depended upon, whatever life threw at them. He watched Pha standing near the window, gazing morosely out at the twinkling night view that the city provided past midnight. More than anything, he was acutely aware of the two figures huddled close together on the two chairs that he himself had brought near the bed and placed side by side. Yo still had his arm around the small man sitting beside him, running his hand slowly up and down the doctor's back, who sat curled up on the chair, his legs drawn up to his chin and his arms circling them.

It had taken a long time to quieten Kit. Assurances hadn't helped. How could they have? Forth thought tiredly. They seemed empty even to him, let alone a doctor who had read everything, who knew the extent of the damage. They were forced to tell him everything, and he had just sat there, on the floor they had huddled on, trembling and shaking. But they were able to at least bring him out of the initial terrible shock that had rendered him unable to even comprehend anything. Forth doubted that he could even comprehend what his friend was going through. To behold the one who was your entire universe hanging at the edge between life and death...what would it be like if B__his mind shied away as his body rejected the thought with a shudder.

Kit was quiet now. His eyes hadn't looked away from Ming's face from the moment he had sat upon the chair close to the bed. The pain in his eyes hadn't lessened though. Forth could not bear to look at the eyes for more than a brief moment. They were the eyes of a tortured soul dragged through the deepest hell. The raw agony in them tore into Forth's heart everytime he looked. Tears hadn't stopped flowing out.

He sighed heavily, making Beam look at him worriedly. He gestured at Beam, who left his post to come close.

"None of them have eaten anything since lunch." He said in a low voice. "Not even you." Forth glanced at the huddled Kit once more. "And I doubt that Kit has even eaten at all the whole day. He will fall ill at this rate."

Beam looked around the room, his eyes coming to rest on Kit. Then said just as quietly, "Will we be able to make him eat though? I don't think I can swallow anything either."

Forth took Beam in his arms and rested his head on Beam's shoulder for a moment. "I don't feel like it either. But how long can this continue? This is not going to be just for a day or two." He raised his head, "Perhaps I can get the kitchens to prepare some thin soup that we can make him drink from a cup. He just has to swallow it. We can worry about tomorrow when it comes."

Beam nodded. He touched Forth's face gently and stroked his cheek softly with his thumb. "Go then." He started to turn away, then paused. He gazed earnestly into Forth's face, as if trying to lock his image in his eyes. Forth felt in his fiancé the same sadness that he was feeling himself, the need to be assured of the other's presence and he drew Beam to himself, enveloping him. He stroked his back gently. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."