Secret Rendezvous

Don't Cry. Don't Cry. Don't Cry.

Just a filler for today, I'm not really feeling writing full chapters right now but I'm working hard and trying to make them longer.

January 11, 1981

Freddie
Jim had left to Ireland on the twenty-fourth of December, and he didn't plan to be back until the fifteenth of January. Having him gone meant that Faria and I were allowed to stay with Brian- now, I told him that I'd be staying with Brian, so he wouldn't get angry if we weren't home as soon as he did. I told him that I was afraid to be left alone, and that Faria had her couple weeks with him so it made sense to be there with him. Jim was actually okay with it, which kind of surprised me, but he made sure to call every single day, just to check up on Faria and I.

I had never felt happier with Brian, maybe just the secrecy of it all made us work harder at our relationship. But every time Finn kicked, I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for doing this... for doing this to Jim. Faria liked being home with Brian, she kept telling me that she wanted to stay even when Jim came home- she cried when I told her that we couldn't.

"She hates me." I whispered, pacing back and forth through the kitchen. "She's never gone this long without talking to me, Brian. She hates me." I looked up at him and he shook his head while he stirred the cereal around the bowl.

"She doesn't hate you." He murmured for the umpteenth time.

"Yes she does!" I exclaimed. "Brian, I don't think you understand. Even when she was inside of me, I could hear her fucking thoughts! She never left me alone! She's been attached to me ever since I found out about her. She's been my best friend, and now she won't even look at me!" I yelled, shaking my head and holding the bottom of my stomach while I continued to pace around.

"Freddie, I don't think she hates you. She's four, she doesn't even know what hating is." Brian sighed and I groaned.

"Brian, she told me that she hates me and that she wishes she had another baba because I won't let her live here permanently. Well, because her and I can't move in here." I sighed, then I sat down.

"You can move here. The offer from last night still stands." He got up to put his bowl in the sink.

The previous night, after he had fucked me senseless, he told me to move back in with him. It was the same as when I was pregnant with Faria, when he would constantly ask me if I'd move in. I was worried that he'd get too attached and that he'd be upset when it was time for us to go.

"We can't move in, Brian! I'm still with Jim, we're still in a relationship and I can't just pack up and take his kid away from him."

"That's what you did to me!" He exclaimed, then the room went still and tension immediately rose. "That's exactly what you did to me... you took my daughter from me and you started going out with some other guy almost immediately after we ended things."

"After you ended things." I spat back at him, feeling anger start to rise in my body. Finn was reacting to the anger, he kicked me hard in the spine and I groaned, softly. "I can't do this right now." I shook my head, then I walked out and I locked myself in the guest bedroom.

I cried, softly, while I walked around the room. I needed to calm Finn down, but the room was spinning- I felt like I was going to faint and it scared me. I couldn't hurt Finn because I was upset, it wouldn't be fair to him or Jim- or me... he was my baby and I still loved him.

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It felt like hours before there was a small knock at the door. I wiped the drying tear marks off of my cheeks and I took a deep breath before calling: "who is it?"