I'm not mean.
I'm not demanding.
I'm just trying to find the words to stop my head from pounding,
Whats the correct way to get you off my back,
Because anxiety is creeping up my legs to attack,
And you,
You can't even see through the wall that I've built.
My own protection from the guilt you placed on me because I decided that I didn't have enough in me to go to a club.
I've tried to creep out of the house before my social anxiety woke up but she stopped me right as I sat in my truck to tell me,
Hey, you know everyone will be watching you.
And you're to fat to be in that kind of outfit.
So I went back inside to watch the office for the 100th time as I ate my emotions and slept in my sweats.
Please understand me when I say that I'm happy for you.
Or I would love to come to that over crowded event you're hosting just so I can support you.
But this anxiety and depression is a separate issue that I need to fix before I try to go and pretend that I'm okay,
Because I'm not.
My high functioning days are only good for a few hours and then I need my space to overthink everything that I did and said in that day until I feel okay with myself again.
So please don't stop being my friend because I cancel our plans last minute.
Or because I avoid your calls for a month and then return as if nothing has changed.
But it has.
I spent my time, trying to find something or someone to keep me from smoking, or choking the life out of myself because I can't help but overthink.
My head never sleeps, which beats the life out of me when my emotions are scattered because I can't manage to relax for 5 fucking seconds.
Was that a joke or were you serious when you said that thing that sent me into a spiraling mind fuck?
I'll just laugh and pretend that I won't obsess over it later.
But I will.
When I say I need someone there for me, I mean just that.
The more people that bail, the more I feel locked in this jail of emotions.
Me and my anxiety are never going to be cool,
But if you want me, you have to make friends with her too.
YOU ARE READING
Brown Sugared Sunflowers
PoetryThese are poems that I've been writing for the past 10+ years. Writing always tapped into a deep part of me. I had to find what I liked and what made me, well me. Once I discovered myself, Ive felt free and unbothered. I am spiritual and I am woke t...
