Finding Your Person

Chapter 12

Once we got home, I went right upstairs to my room. I didn't even feel like changing; I just went right under the covers.
I heard a knock on my door. It was Liam.
"Can I come in?" Liam spoke in a hushed voice.
"Yes," I replied, uncertain if I actually wanted to see anyone, but if I had to see anyone, I was happy it was Liam.
He came up beside my bed softly and sat down next to me. He rested his hand on my back and began to rub it gently.
He didn't say anything for a couple minutes, and it was nice. I didn't really want to talk. While he was rubbing my back, I couldn't help but think how Garrett never rubbed my back. In fact, he rarely did anything I wanted. He never danced with me or spun me around. He never kissed me on my forehead or cheek. He rarely ever held my hand, and if he did, I would have to ask him to. We never would stay up all night talking or watch movies that I wanted to watch. He never made me feel wanted, but he was always there. He could make me laugh, but I felt like he truly never laughed at any of my jokes.
On one hand, a part of me knew that we weren't right for each other, but the other part of me was holding on for dear life. I wanted us to work. I wanted to love him for life. I wanted him to love me for life. I wanted us. However, I knew at the end of the day, I didn't need him to survive. I just wanted him, or the idea of him and me. That's the scary thing about it, I think I loved the idea of being in love with him. I don't think I ever truly was in love with him. Sure I loved him and cared for Garrett deeply, but was he my soulmate? No, I don't think so.
That's another thing, what is a soulmate? I use to think I knew exactly what a soulmate was. Again, the sad part now is, truly thinking about it, I never honestly even thought it was Garrett. Even when we were together at the movies, I would think that there has to be someone better out there for me. He never let me whisper in his ear things I thought were cute and funny jokes about the movie. I just wanted to make him laugh so badly. I know that's horrible of me to say, that I thought there must be something better out there for me. I don't know why that, even after rationalizing all of this in my head only a couple hours before he broke up with me, I shouldn't be able to be fine. Clearly, I know he wasn't the one, and I think I've known this the whole time. So, why do I feel this pain in my chest? Why is my heart aching like crazy? Why does the thought of him lying beside me and hugging me make me want to cry? Why, when he never loved me the way I wanted to be loved or deserved to be loved, is the thought of him, making it hard for me to breathe? If I knew he wasn't the one, then why does it hurt?
I felt tears rolling down onto my pillow. Liam must have heard me sniffling.
"I love you, Mas. We don't have to talk, but if you ever need to, I'm here. Seeing you like this makes me want to never put anything less than a smile on your face." He paused tucking the hair behind my ear. "I'll leave you be now." He kissed me softly on my forehead, and I never felt so comforted.
As he began to walk out the door I realized I didn't want to be alone.
"Liam?"
He turned around. "Yes?"
"Can you stay with me?" I whispered.
"Always." He made his way back to my side.
I laid there shortly, realizing the reason I never could let go of Garret. It was because I was afraid of being alone. I desperately wanted someone to love me and be my soulmate. I wanted him to be my person. The person that would be there and do anything for me. The person that would hide a dead body for me. I didn't want to be alone and have no one. So the gaping hole in my heart wasn't from me losing Garrett; it was from me losing the person I thought I had and didn't want to give up.