Finding Your Person

Chapter 27

Scotty, Gabby, and I had watched a few episodes of 'The Office,' and even though we were laughing and joking around, my mind began to slip away. I couldn't stop wondering where Brady was. It had been about three hours since we had gotten back from Brady's college game. There was no way he shouldn't be back by now.
"You okay?" Gabby looked over at me from the other side of the bed. Scotty had been lying in between us.
"Yeah, I just need to tell Brady what happened."
"How do you know Liam already didn't?" Scotty asked.
"I don't, but regardless, I need to make sure he doesn't hate me."
"He probably does," Scotty answered in a monotone voice.
"Thanks."
"I'm kidding," she laughed, but I had been on edge and couldn't even think about laughing.
"What's the worst that could happen? He hates you for all of a week? It'll all work out, and there is no point in stressing yourself out. It's not like worrying is going to fix anything." I couldn't believe how Scotty never could get anxious about anything. I've only ever witnessed her freaking out over a few things, and every time she would freak out, she was able to reel in her emotions and not let them get the best of her. It's like she had an off switch for feelings. I envied that about her. She was at ease all the time, and as hard as I tried to recreate that same control of my emotions, I couldn't.
"Alright, I love you, but I have to go home," Scotty said, squeezing out from between Gabby and me.
"What, why?" I sat up really quickly watching her hop off of my bed.
"I promised I'd be home for dinner, and since I haven't seen my mother since after our game yesterday, she's been blowing up my phone."
"I need to go too. It's still my dad's birthday, and he's not getting any younger. I should probably still spend some time with him while he's still kicking." Gabby rolled off my bed.
"That's actually so horrible to say." I looked with complete befuddlement at Gabby, whose face was confused, not aware of the empathy that had been lacking in her comment. Scotty just laughed.
"Alright. Well, I love you guys." I looked at them with such admiration.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Scotty began putting her shoes on.
"Say it back," I demanded, jokingly.
"Fine, I love you, too." Scotty looked at me and rolled her eyes.
"Do you guys want to meet up at the soccer fields tomorrow?" Gabby asked.
"Yeah, I have to go to church tomorrow morning, but after, my dad said that he wanted to take my brothers and me there to shoot a soccer ball around." I quickly replied, eager to get back on the field.
"Nice, a Schmidt and friend's soccer game." Scotty was amused with her own joke.
"Okay, Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow. I love you," I said as they made their way to the door.
"I love you, too," Scotty said.
"I love you, three." Gabby looked back at me one last time before walking out. The kind smile on her face, in a way, spoke to me more than anything she could say, as if to say, it'll all be okay.
I sat in bed for the next two hours thinking of the past week. A part of me was off-the-wall giddy about Liam and about all the people I love being around me, but a part of me still was devastated over the loss of Garrett in my life. I couldn't fathom why though; everything in my life was working out. I realized all the amazing people in my life were truly there for me. It didn't matter that I lost my person, because he really wasn't my person. Why did it still hurt though? Why did my heart feel like it would drop to my stomach at the mere thought of him?
It dawned on me that maybe why it did hurt so much was because I wanted him to be my person. The only way I can think of explaining it is building a puzzle, and you keep trying to push pieces together that don't fit, because you desperately want to be done building the puzzle. You want to be able to look at the beautiful picture you've created, and not have to worry about restarting. The problem with that is sometimes pieces don't fit and you can't force them to or, instead of looking at a masterpiece, you will be looking at a disaster. I had realized I built a disaster with Garrett, and now I'd be forced to tear it all up and start from scratch. That scared me. Being alone is scary to me. The unknown terrifies me. What petrifies me more than anything is myself, and how little I actually know about myself, who I am as a person, and what I want in this world.
I realized that I was so focused on building this puzzle with Garrett and figuring out our relationship, that I stopped trying to build myself up and figure myself out. How was I so blinded by all of this? I was in love with the idea of love and was so scared to be alone, I threw away everything that made me, in order to try to fit perfectly into my relationship with Garrett. The thought sickened me--that I gave him and our relationship that power over me and that I lost the one thing that no one should ever be able to take away from me in this life, myself. But who am I?
A knock came from my door. As I yelled, "Come in!" Brady opened the door and I immediately wanted to throw-up from my nerves. After spending so much time thinking about myself and Garrett, I had totally forgotten about having to talk to Brady. How was I going to tell him about what happened between Liam and me? I don't even know what Liam and I were doing. As much as I loved Liam, which I would be a complete fool to say I didn't. I had known him all my life and cared for him deeply, but I still didn't think I was ready for another relationship.
Brady jumped in my bed. "What's up,Mas?" He looked at me and I could tell he knew something was wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asked me, and as I fumbled for words, trying to choose my words wisely, I saw him begin to laugh.
"What?" I asked him as he looked at me with a big goofy smile on his face.
"You and Liam?"
"What? What about us?"
"That's what you wanted to talk about, right?"
"Yeah, I...," before I could finish, Brady interrupted me.
"Mas, it's okay. Liam told me about you two. He left out details because I think I would have thrown-up if he went too in depth, but I got the gist of it."
"I'm sorry, Brady," unable to look at him.
"Mas, it's okay."
"It is?"
"Yeah. You both are two of the most important people in my life. I'm happy that you both can be together and make each other happy. Plus, I know Liam always had a thing for you whether he admitted it to me or not. It also makes me feel better that I know the boy that's with my little sister. This way I can beat him up if he ever hurts you. Actually, I think it would probably be the other way around, but don't worry, I won't abuse you."
"Why would it be the other way around?"
"It's Liam, he loves me too much."
"So Liam's love for you would be the reason he'd stay with me? Not his love for me."
"Yes," Brady said with certainty. I just laughed.
"Well, I think you might be right about one thing," I said, looking back down.
"Don't tell me you are already going to break his heart?"
"No, I mean I don't want to. It's just I just ended a two-year relationship."
"So, you like Liam don't you?"
"Brady, I love him." Those were the first time I said those words out loud. By the befuddled look on Brady's face, I think he was just as surprised as I was.
"Already? Well then why don't you want to be with him."
"Because I don't know who 'me' even is. How can I be with someone when I don't even know who I am, and how can I love someone else when I don't even fully love myself?"
"I thought this conversation was going to be deep; I wasn't expecting this deep. Can I go grab something to eat before this continues?"
"Stop, I'm serious. There's so much I need to figure out. There's so much I need to focus on. This is my junior year, and I need to figure out what happens after next year? Will I be playing soccer at college, where am I going to go to college, what do I even want to go to college for?"
"You should probably figure that last one out before you pick a college."
"See, I don't know what I'm doing. And if I don't play in college, I need to make my last year of soccer count. Not to mention I only have so much more time left with Scotty, Gabby and the few other friends that tolerate me. I want to make the most of it."
"Slow down. It's going to be okay."
My thoughts were racing so fast, that I didn't even realize how I had been rambling on.
"I know. It's just I have a lot on my plate and I need to prioritize everything, family, soccer, school, relationships. And I don't mean just girlfriend-boyfriend relationships, I mean my friends and you and our family. I have all these people who love me, and pushed so many people away worrying too much about a boyfriend. I don't want to take the relationships I have for granted. The one thing I think I pushed away and forgot to prioritize last time was myself and all of those things that matter to me. Until I learn how to do all of that, then maybe I'll be ready to start dating again."
Brady didn't speak right away, he just sat there studying my face.
"Mas," he began, "I think you are a godly, kind, intelligent, athletic, faithful, beautiful girl, and you are so mature for your age. I'm thrilled that you figured out that you need to figure yourself out and love yourself, because not a lot of people your age know that. Heck some people go through their whole lives without truly learning about themselves. And I'm happy that you don't want to start a new relationship if you truly aren't comfortable. But can I let you in on a little secret that I've learned?"
"Yes."
"You're never going to fully learn everything about yourself. You'll always be growing and changing, and if you think you've learned all there is to know about yourself then you aren't growing as an individual. So, yes, figure yourself out to the best of your ability right now, but be open to change. Be open to love and be open again to letting someone love you the way you deserve to be loved. Because you do deserve to be loved." I finally looked up at him and I could feel a tear roll down my face. Right when Brady saw it he quickly pulled me in for a hug.
"It's okay," Brady said, hugging me tightly, "and hopefully when that time comes where you do allow yourself to open up to someone, it better be Liam." I pushed Brady away and started to laugh.
"What? He's my best friend, of course I'm rooting for you two."
"Good, I think I am, too," I said, smiling as I wiped away my tears.
"Alright, well, you pull yourself together, and I'm going to go find out what Mom's making for dinner." He jumped off the bed and made his way to the door.
He turned back. "I'm always here for you, Mas."
"Counting on it." I looked at my big brother and realized how truly blessed I was that God gave me such an amazing brother.
"I love you, Brady," I said, and for once in my life, Brady, without me begging or any hesitation, responded, "I love you, too."