Finding Your Person

Chapter 16

I woke up the next day and went to church with my family. Gabby had to go home because she had spent the past two days with me, and her parents wanted to go out with her and her younger brother. Scotty and Jay had plans, too. I didn't care that they had to leave, because I was able to be with my family and Liam.
After church we went to breakfast at our normal spot. It was a small diner a town over. The rest of the day was well spent, relaxing and hanging out with Brady before he had to go back to school.
Slowly, after he left, however, I started to think about the whole breakup. I guess I didn't have anyone left to distract me. Not to mention my thoughts on school and the risk of having to see Garrett kept on popping in my head.
Saturday and Sunday I had received over fifty texts and thirty calls from Garrett, but I didn't reply. Once Monday came, the texts and calls stopped. I hadn't heard from him all week.
There were certain moments in the day where I could fully tell myself it's for the best, but that doesn't stop me from missing him. Turns out I hadn't realized how bad it actually hurt when no one was around. I didn't realize the rollercoaster of emotions that would smother me. I felt so terrified, stepping back into that school Monday morning and every morning, since I didn't know what me seeing him would do to me. Normally I would only get to see him for study hall and lunch, but I asked Mrs. Huntsman if I could stay in her room and work on my business project instead of going to study hall or the lunchroom.
She always had people in her room constantly, and usually I would stay there during study hall anyway. The only reason I actually went to that class was for Garrett.
I didn't see him in the hallways, either. It wasn't from me hiding from him, honestly. We would always go out of our way to walk with each other to class. I did however, pretty much sprint to my classes. I was afraid people would ask me where Garrett was. I figured if I would just look like I'm in a rush, no one would bother me. It worked, for the most part. Only a few people asked where he was. I guess not everyone knew what had happened, and I was kind of thankful for that. I didn't want people asking me questions about it, or acting like they cared for me when all they truly wanted was the information. Some of the mutual guy friends we had together gave me that smile. The pity smile that pretty much said I feel bad for you and I'm sorry.
It wasn't until I stepped out on that soccer field everyday at 2:30 that I felt so much better. There would be moments at soccer practice where I would forget everything that was going on because I was surrounded by people that made me laugh and that I loved.
It was finally Thursday night, and there was no doubt that I had been feeling like complete trash. I had thought after getting through the first couple of days with my family and friends all being there, well, I'd be okay. I wanted it to be tomorrow already. I wanted to be on the field playing, without a thought of what was happening in the world around me. I just wanted to be focused on that game.
When I wasn't playing soccer there would be other times where I'd be sitting in the living room and Brady would FaceTime me with the rest of my family around, and I was happy. Then there would be times where I'd be looking at my phone wanting so badly for the next text I received to be Garrett. Not that I would forgive him, I just wanted to know if he was hurting as much as me. Or if he was sorry at all. I missed talking to him. It's like you go from seeing someone everyday, talking to them every hour, to them being gone.
Everyday I would come home after soccer practice and just want to curl up in bed. If it wasn't for my family constantly being around I don't know what I'd do. They tried to get my attention on other things like movies, board games, ice cream trips--whatever they could.
I know I'm only a few days out of my first breakup, but I never knew how confusing it was. I thought it was either you were the one that got broken up with and were 'sad' or you broke up with the person, because you didn't feel anything towards them. I didn't realize how breakups took a toll on every emotion.
Sure, sadness was to be expected, but I hadn't realized how much anger and hatred I would have. Once I felt the anger and hatred that only made me feel the sadness again, because I didn't want to hate him. Right after I thought that, then I felt angry towards him because he was the idiot that ruined it all in the first place. It was a never-ending cycle, except when I would be able to tell myself I didn't need him and I was better off without him. I knew I was. I knew he didn't deserve my love or my affection. I knew I would find someone one day that would make me feel everything I never felt with Garrett. I knew we weren't right for each other. And I knew even though I told him I was in love with him, I never was in love. I was just in love with the idea of being in love. I knew I would be okay. That didn't stop me from missing him, and feeling heartbroken. I know that this pain isn't permanent, but tonight, right now, it's killing me.
People tell you that there will be good days and bad. No one tells you that you might have good hours and bad hours . One minute you feel on top of the world, sixty seconds later you feel sick to your stomach. I hate that I'm only a few days into this and I already feel like my emotions have been through a whirlwind.
Once I got into the comfort of my own room at night, I would play sad songs that would fit my mood. I would play breakup songs that made me feel even worse and in complete misery. Then I would get into music that made me feel better. The kind that encouraged me and made me feel like I didn't even care for him at all. The kind that basically said screw your ex, he sucks, and you don't need him anyway.
I couldn't watch any romantic comedies, though. I was just so angry at the thought of love movies. To me it wasn't real. In real life, you don't always get what you want, or what you expect.
Okay that's not entirely true. Some parts are realistic, but either way, they give you false hope. Children grow up believing that the first person they meet will be the love of their life. Or that if someone breaks their heart, the next day is when they'll bump into the love of their life. Or if someone breaks up with them, their ex will get instant karma. Or if they do the breaking up with someone, it won't hurt, because clearly that means that the person breaking up doesn't care for the person they are dating anymore. Can someone write a story about a relationship ending and where we go from there? Can we see a relationship that everyone loved and everyone wanted to succeed, fall apart. I know it sounds pessimistic of me to say that, but sometimes good things need to fall apart in order for greater things to come together. No one shows that.
They never show you all of the past relationships that failed, all of the heartache, and all of the pain that made you feel like you were drowning and suffocating. That pain that left you gasping for air. The agonizing torture of what it felt like if your heart had been ripped from your chest. The loneliness you felt curled up on your bedroom floor, listening to every sad song imaginable. Even though those songs made you feel worse, it didn't matter because you didn't think you were ever going to feel any better. The hatred you had for anyone who told you, you'll get over him and you'll find someone new and better.
I hated movies for not showing you the true twisted tormented trauma of what a heartbreak felt like. I especially hated the movies that had no true ending. It's like everything is left uncertain between two lovers. You're left wondering if it will work out between the two of them, because for some reason something in life is preventing them from being together in that moment. Whether it's a new job, or colleges far away from each other, or maybe their lives just heading in separate directions. The writers still make you feel like everything is okay, but why? It's like all of a sudden we are all content with not knowing.
I don't get it. The whole reason for those movies is to show you what you could have. It's suppose to give you hope, that love is achievable, and that there are happy endings. What about everything before the happy ending? I want someone to show me all their pain, and mistakes, before they met their happy ending. I want to see what it took for them to meet their soulmate.
People say you have to kiss a lot of toads until you find that one prince. Well what if I don't want to kiss a lot of toads? What then? Okay, so maybe this anger is just stemming from me not knowing what the heck is going on in my life. Maybe I'm jealous of those people who already found their happy ending. Or I'm a little envious of those people that don't know what the future holds for them and are okay with not knowing.
I'll never not be a hopeless romantic. I'll never stop loving romantic comedies. And I'll never stop thinking about my future, but what I need to start doing more is being present here and now in my life. The past couple of years I've been so set on trying to make Garrett happy, and do things that he liked. I forgot that my happiness is way more important, and I need to worry about myself. I need to do things that will make me happy, or else one day I'm going to wake up with so many regrets. I need to stop trying to be something different for other people, and start figuring out who I am. Love is the most important thing in this world, but that doesn't necessarily just mean a dating or marriage relationship. It means loving yourself, loving your family, loving your best friends, and loving all the amazing people around you.
I don't need a crazy romantic relationship right now, and I need to stop thinking that romances should all be like 'The Notebook.' Every relationship is different and beautiful in its own way. What I do need to do is focus on making myself happy. I just want one of those moments in time with someone that I can't put into words to explain to anyone else, because that's how special it was. I want that experience that is so personal to me that I know I'll never be able to forget it. To be able to have such a personal moment with someone that is just so special and intimate. That's all I need.