Book of Quotes

The Arctic Incident

Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident by Eoin Colfer

- “Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. 

I suppose you could. Is that the case? 

It's my mother, Doctor. 

Yes? 

My mother, she... 

Your mother, yes? 

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.” 

- "CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.”

- “I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?” 

- “No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.” 

- “I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.”

- “Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.” 

- “Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't.” 

- “Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but decided to give Holly the benefit of the doubt.

Captain Short plucked a gold coin from her belt, flicking it fifty feet into the moonlit sky. With one fluid movement, she brought her weapon up and loosed a single blast. The coin rose another fifty feet, then spun earthward. Artemis somehow managed to snatch it from the air. The first cool movement of his young life.

"Nice shot," he said. The previously solid disk now had a tiny hole in the center.

Holly held out her hand, revealing the still raw scar on her finger. "If it wasn't for you, I would have missed altogether. No mech-digit can replicate that kind of accuracy. So, thank you too, I suppose."

Artemis held out the coin.

"No," said Holly. "You keep it, to remind you."

"To remind me?"

Holly stared at him frankly. "To remind you that deep beneath the layers of deviousness, you have a spark of decency. Perhaps you could blow on that spark occasionally."

Artemis closed his fingers around the coin. It was warm against his palm.

"Yes, perhaps.” 

- “Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn't believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby's for ten thousand a term.” 

- “We're being led by an idiot with a crayon.” 

- “I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.”

- "Just another quack spouting psychobabble.” 

- “Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.” 

- “Holly winked. 'Do I look like a fly boy to you, Fowl?' 

Artemis had to admit that she didn't. Captain Short was extremely pretty in a dangerous sort of way. Black-widow pretty. Artemis was expecting puberty to hit in approximately eight months, and he suspected that at that point he would look at Holly in a different light. It was probably just as well that she was eighty years old.”

- “The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.” 

- “There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell.” 

- “She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counselors are nothing more than misguided do-gooders with degrees."

- The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 

'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 

'That?' exclaimed Root. 

'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'

The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'

Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 

'That wobbly line?' 

'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'

'Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'

'This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'

Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.” 

- “Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire. And besides, he was certain that Art could hear the thumping from the security desk.” 

- “Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"

Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have.” 

********

Next: Enternity Code