yesterday • (sequel to "And I Love Her")

six: 1967

yes, this is straight from And I Love Her. some things will be mentioned again

In a span of 2 years, Paul never let his sad side show in front of his daughter. He still missed Casady like hell, but Abby helped fill in any voids for her, watching Haydan while Paul was on tour. She was one of Haydan's favorite people.
Speaking of her, she was walking and jumping and talking and growing in most of her teeth. It brought tears to Paul's eyes as he watched her grow. He took pictures and videos every day of her and would print them out, taking them to Casady's gravesite.
He had also met someone, Linda Eastman, earlier last year. They had started dating and Paul proposed to her. They were to get married in March of 1969.
He always found time to go out to the cemetery and talk to his first real love every day. He would occasionally bring Haydan and brought Linda a few times. Linda heard Paul's story and comforted him through it all.
The worst part about the past three years was that every night that Paul wasn't in Haydan's room sleeping with her, he slept in the bed he shared with Casady and felt cold. She kept him warm at night, and couldn't get over the coldness. What's even worse is that Haydan is asking why it's just him, and why she doesn't have to mum like Julian, and Zak and Jason, and Emma's kids, Riley, Logan, and Larson. Paul always came up with an excuse, but he knew he would have to tell the truth someday.
As he walked along the green grass in the cemetery, he clutched the pictures and white roses, her wedding flowers. There was always a fresh flower over her. He set the objects down on the grass and sat next to the rectangular shape of the grave, and glanced at the red heart that was pinned into the ground, as a reminder that it sometimes only takes one bullet in the right spot to change lives everywhere.
"Hey, love. I just got back from a conference in America. I've really missed you lately, that meaning 2 years." He chuckled lightly. "I've thought about you every night now, and I'm cold at night without you. You always kept me warm and comfortable. Haydan started walking at 7 months, which I think is amazing. I just wish you were here to see everything with your own eyes." Paul firmly flattened his hand on the grass, willing himself to be strong. "But, I mainly came to ask about Linda. She's a lovely woman, and you would really like her. I really like her, and I was hoping it was okay if I went with her."
Another gentle breeze swept by and a picture was turned over. It was of when she had just gotten home from the hospital with Haydan, and Paul was with her. She had Haydan cradled in her arm, and Paul was behind her, one arm wrapped around her waist and the other laid on Haydan's head. Paul closed his eyes and thought of that most joyous day of bringing his girls home with him, starting a family with them.
He set it back down and the wind seemed to whisper in his ear that he should go with Linda. Paul seriously swore he heard Casady's voice telling him that it was okay.
"Thank you, Cas. I love you with all my heart." He was about to get up when another breeze, a bit stronger, swept into him, and he remembered something by some kind of miracle.
"Oh yeah. Today marks 2 years of Haydan being baptized. Thank you, Casady, love." The wind whispered to him yet again, saying 'your welcome'. "We'll see you when the time comes." As usual, Paul kissed his fingertips and pressed them against the grass above her body. He got up and heard more footsteps.
"John?" He said. John looked up at him through his glasses and pushed some hair out of his eyes.
"Oh, hi Paul."
"What're you doing here?"
"Dropping something off to her, but I might as well give it to you." John simply handed Paul a little wrapped box. Paul just looked at it.
"You can open it." John chuckled. Paul undid the tie and opened the box, revealing rolls of film in small cases.
"Film?"
"Just watch them when you get home." John turned to leave. He wasn't on the best of terms with Paul right now, and they both hated it. He heard Paul sigh and turned back around to face him.
"How're you doing still?"
Paul shrugged. "It's Haydan's 2nd baptismal birthday, godfather." Paul wiggled his eyebrows.
"Don't think I forgot. I already gave it to her. I'll see you around."
"John, please wait." Paul put the box in his pocket and approached John, who turned around yet again. Paul hugged him lovingly, and John returned it. This was what they needed to forget about differences right now.
"I still can't thank you enough for being my friend. I can't repay you for everything you've done for me," Paul spoke into his shoulder. John grasped Paul's shoulder, keeping a firm hold on him.
"Being my friend is repayment enough." John was silent for a second. "You'll see her again soon enough."
"God, John, I'm such an idiot!" Paul suddenly freaked out, and his flashbacks started over again.
"Paul, what are you talking about?"
"She jumped in front of me! He was supposed to shoot me and I'm supposed to be dead, not her!" He shouted, and John felt tears growing in his eyes yet again. Paul hadn't been like this in at least a year and a half. "I didn't even go to the hospital with her. I didn't even try to save her! I just fucking let her die!"
John was mentally debating whether or not he should try to approach Paul like this now or wait until he's calmed down. He decided to wait.
"She was everything to me! I love Haydan with all my heart but she is not close to a replacement for Casady. Haydan is too young for me to be angry or upset around, and she wouldn't have anybody to go to on her own if I did lose it on her! I really, really don't want to be angry around Linda or Heather. Yeah, they've helped me through part of the hell I live in, but the other part can't be helped at all unless she comes back."
John had had enough. "Alright Paul, stop! You can't dwell on this for the rest of your life! You have to move on. And if you can't forget about it and move on, then get some help! We're not always going to be there when you need us so..."
Shit.
He said the wrong thing at the worst time possible.
"What?" Paul asked.
"No, Paul, I didn't mean..."
"You said you would always be there! For each of the guys and me. That's what you all fucking said at some point or another!" Paul ran a stressed and upset hand through his growing hair.
"Paul, you know I didn't mean it like it sounded. What I meant was..."
"John..."
"No, you fucking listen to me!" He shouted. Paul jumped, and John felt a little bad. He grabbed Paul by the shoulders, sighing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. But I meant that you can't expect to call us and we will come home in the snap of a finger. And I'm talking when the four of us are on our own if it happens. You're gonna have to find the strength to deal with just our voices. But the hearts of everyone you love are always with you. Most of all, she's with you. And so is your mum."
Paul remembered that his dad didn't take it well when Mary died. Paul was taking it the exact same way, but not in front of his kids. Jim didn't do that either, but Paul caught him a few times talking to Jim's brother about it. He was so distraught, and Paul hated seeing him like that. He couldn't imagine what Haydan would think if she saw him like this.
"You're right, John. Thanks, mate." John patted his shoulder firmly and slung his arm around both of Paul's shoulders, deciding to be a teenager again.
"Wanna go out and hit on chicks at the carnival?" He asked sarcastically.
Paul laughed. "No, I need to go see my daughter. She's missed me the past few weeks."
"Hey, tell her uncle Johnny said hi to his little flower," he said as Paul climbed in his Cadillac.
"I will. Thank you so, so much John. You're one of the best friends I could ever ask for."
"It's my job. Just remember," John said, poking Paul's heart. Paul nodded and started the engine.
"See ya, Johnny."
"Bye, Paul." Paul left the cemetery to be back home with his daughter. John's words burned themselves in Paul's heart, and he didn't know that he would share the same phrase with his daughter every night as Casady shared with him every day.
Just remember, I'm always here with you, even when I'm not.

A little bit late; I've been busy all week and weekend :/ hope yall enjoyed!