yesterday • (sequel to "And I Love Her")

three: thoughts

Late March, 1966

Paul thought about what John said for months. Next he knew, the Beatles had their movie released in November of 1965. It was now almost April of 1966. They were going nonstop, and Paul's ability to father his daughter skyrocketed. She was above everything else he did, regardless.
He took her to see her mother almost every day, sometimes spending a few minutes there and sometimes a few hours. Sometimes, when the boys were on the road, Abby Deien, Casady's best friend, took care of Haydan and made sure she went to see her mother just as much as when Paul was home, just as she'd promised Paul at Cas's funeral.
Paul, along with his band mates, their wives, and Abby and Emma, Casady's grave was never empty. There were always gifts and flowers and pictures. Every once in a while there would be a small plaque or message that said 'Gone Too Soon', and Paul just couldn't help but want to take it away.
Here's how it went through Paul's mind: he loved that girl more than life and wished she were still here. He should've taken the bullet, not her. He should be dead. And though she took the bullet, he should've tried harder to revive her or keep her as long as he could. But she was shot in her abdomen, in direct line with her abdominal aorta, as the doctor had described it. It was completely severed with no chance of reconstruction, and she bled out internally very quickly. Her systems just shut down. He was informed that there was no saving her despite any efforts made.
Despite how much Paul wished she was still there, mothering their child and loving him every day, he saw her death as a test of his own loyalty and a display of her selflessness that he so often told her she possessed. She didn't think she had a characteristic as strong as selflessness, but her actions from the day they met proved that she had it stronger than anyone else Paul knew.
He had to tell himself that it was her time; her ultimate moment of selflessness, and it took her life to save those she believed were most important. That was why he learned to accept it so much more in the past few months. He has learned to appreciate the fact that his daughter, his own flesh and blood, was still alive. Had his wife not stepped in front of a bullet, his daughter would be dead. And the thought of that was almost unbearable than the thought he lived with every day when he woke up alone in bed.
Haydan was turning into the most active, outgoing baby Paul had ever seen. She was almost a year old and was standing up with the help of furniture, and could only take as many as 2 steps before she tumbled back down. Paul never let her out of his sight, so if he had to leave the room, he would stand her up on his own feet and hold her hands above her head so she could walk with him. It made her cackle and smile like crazy, and Abby even admitted that it was the most wonderful thing she had seen them do together.
Paul was filled with sheer joy around Haydan. He called her 'Little Cas' because of her likeness of his late wife. She had the sass and the sense of independence that Casady had, she knew how to voice that she did or didn't want something, and most relieving of all, she knew how to obey her father when he used his low voice, despite her young mind.
Every few days, Paul would also get letters from fans expressing their constant sorrow and sadness for his loss. He kept them all and realized how much he really meant to his fans. While part of him figured they were just sympathizing, he also felt that they were truly sorry for his loss.
He was asked once if he kept pictures of Casady up everywhere. He didn't. The pictures of their family when it began were up where they were left and no pictures had moved since. On his bedside table he kept a picture of her in her wedding gown, crying as she danced with him.
Paul remembered that day as being the happiest day of his life, something they shared in opinion. He remembered crying as she vowed to love him until the day she died. She kept that vow and every other one she made that day. Paul remembered 5 months ago, on the first anniversary of their marriage, he genuinely cried, but celebrated. He loved that he could say he was married for a year, whether she was still alive or not. To him, he will be married to her forever, whether he gets remarried or not.
After all, she was married to him for the rest of her life.