yesterday • (sequel to "And I Love Her")

nine: battle

April 1971

Paul was happiest when he was with his family. But as soon as they were gone, he went to war with his mind and with God again.
Linda decided to take the 3 girls with her to the States while on a photography job. Paul stayed behind while putting together some songs for the band he and Linda were forming. He promised her and his two oldest that he would be just fine, though he didn't even know for sure.
The first night was okay, because he drank. He only drank when he was alone or anywhere that his kids weren't. He rarely drank excessively around his wife.
He tried to break the habit, but it seemed as though the less her drank, the more he smoked and did drugs, and vice versa. He couldn't break either habit because it would just make the other worse.
When alone and with no other obligations, he spent hours upon hours, cigarette after cigarette, at the piano.
He had written some beautiful songs, but the few he completed were out of hundreds and hundreds that would end in an angry rage or end up sounding bitter or depressing. And when he sang the completed songs, he sang them with so much passion that it brought himself to tears.
But when there was no sound from the piano, it was silence again, and he opted for another drink or another smoke at that time.
Each night he was alone was a living hell for him. He screamed and yelled at himself. He punched walls. He ripped strings from his guitar. He pounded the keys on the piano. He kicked chairs. Other times, he just laid on the floor in silence.
This only really happened at night. The dark sky and bright stars brought back painful memories and they never went away. During the day, Paul was at least content with his life, and would carry on the daily chores and take walks outside because he just felt like it.
She's still with you.
She's still here.
She never left.
You see her every day.
These kinds of phrases haunted Paul day and night, only because she wasn't there. She was back in London, he was in Scotland. He visits her in his dreams and through prayer, but he felt guilty for not being able to visit her himself.
Little did Paul know, Haydan felt the same way. She knew well that her mother was not physically near her and she struggled to talk to her through emotions and dreams. She loved Scotland, but it kept her real family separated and she hated it. Though only 6 years old, she felt that she should tell her father but couldn't. She was afraid it would just trouble him more than necessary. She was wrong, but she didn't know it. She would figure out that Paul would much rather know that she was struggling than think she was fine.
The girls were in the States now, and his daughter was even further from her mother. She could handle it because she was having a grand time exploring a new place with her stepsisters and stepmother.
But Paul was truly struggling trying to live out each day, so he decided to fly back home and see his wife before he lost it on himself.

~

In London, things had changed. When the Beatles were the biggest in the world, the city was always bustling and excited and awake. Now, it just seemed like a working, tourist city. Everyone had grown up. The teenagers were no longer running around with radios; they were going to work. Nobody screamed and cried of joy when Paul showed his face in public. Instead, they politely came up and asked for an autograph or a handshake. Paul realized that he too was grown; he was in a mature marriage with children. He was no longer in a fun relationship where everything was constantly lovey dovey. It was a work that he had to maintain for the benefit of his whole family.
While he was proud to be with Linda and to have such a mature, responsible marriage, he missed the fun days with Casady. They went to parties, they socialized every night, they hung around people. And now he lived on a quiet farm in Scotland where he's no longer seen as Paul McCartney the Beatle, married to a young, outgoing woman; he's Paul McCartney the musician, married to a professional, quiet woman.
Things were so different where Casady was, but there were never not flowers or some type of memorandum at her site. He had heard from Abby weeks earlier that he is ensuring something is always left there, and that his former bandmates have too done a good job of visiting every once in a while.
Paul walked around and talked to himself when he visited Casady. Her site looked over a small pond, wildflowers growing all around it. His head was a bit of a blur, so he could hardly infer what he was saying. He wasn't there for long when he started to get flustered, so he left some picked wildflowers on top of her headstone and walked toward the exit. But he felt guilty.
Guilty because this had become such a difficult task. He couldn't afford to dwell on the past because he had a family to raise and support. He had never realized it, but it hurt more to come back than it did to stay away. And this was not a hurt he could live with.
As he left, some people also visiting their loved ones tipped their hats at him or greeted him quietly. He returned the gesture to be polite, but made his way out of the cemetery quicker. He couldn't handle this right now.
He went back into town and visited some places that were commonalities when he was a Beatle. All the bars, pubs, clubs, etc. He smiled at most places, and became angry at others. He came to Abbey Road studios and smiled at the roof, and got angry at the rest. This was where many fights broke out during their last few years. The roof was where they had one hell of a fun concert before everything went back to hell. He missed when that happened, oddly enough; when they would take a break from the fighting and tensity and have fun together. He cherished those 45 minutes of happiness they had before they all started hating each other again.
That breakup hurt almost as bad as the death of his wife. He lost people who meant the world to him, who unconditionally loved him, who would do anything for them even if it meant their life. John could deny it all he wanted, but Paul knew he would if he had to. They would give themselves for each other; they were brothers. There would never be anything that could sever the love between those 4 men.
He got tired after a while and decided to go back to his hotel alone. His brain was exhausted and he couldn't handle much more thinking.
In his room, he crashed, and he crashed hard.