i sat on the couch, staring at the tv's black screen. i was trying to muster up the courage to call takuya back. but i felt that doing so wouldn't be a good idea.
i knew what takuya wanted, and knowing that made all of this a bad idea. and the fact that i wanted him to just admit it already was terrifying to me.
i felt ashamed. i felt terrible.
and johnny really was right. i shouldn't have kept takuya a secret from yuta. i thought maybe that was what made this feel so much worse. even though i didn't do anything with takuya, lying to him already made me feel so...
part of me wanted to just call him right now. part of me wanted to tell him that whatever he thought was going to happen just can't.
but as i hold my phone in my hand again, i feel dread of even doing just that. i tried to tell myself that it was just me not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.
but i should've known that wasn't really the reason for my hesitations.
and truthfully, i did know in that moment that this wasn't the reason.
i tried to tell myself that it would be better to just tell him in person. i tried convincing myself that was the right thing to do.
but deep down i just wanted to see him for possibly one last time.
i heard a knock at the door, and my shoulders sharply rose up. my stomach felt like it dropped thousands of feet.
"i'm home..."
i look up to see yuta enter from the doorway. his side leaned against the border, a tired expression.
"h-hey..."
"i'm gonna take a nap, just letting you know."
i gave him a nod, my lips curling up to a small smile.
"you want me to come with?"
"uh, sure..."
he pivoted in the other direction, and ran his hands through his hair as he walked away.
i leaned back against the couch, heaving a long and sad sigh.
