it had seemed like we had only gotten there. but really, we'd been there for a few hours. the sun was fully gone now, and the city was fully illuminated.
takuya and i were seated at the bar, and talked away. it was really pointless conversations, since it was all just to stall why we were really there.
i knew why i'd been stalling, but i refused to accept the true reason. i couldn't face it.
takuya had drank only two beers, while i had a few more than two helpings of beer. i figured it would help me feel less tense about having to tell him...
"so..."
i look up from my empty glass and at his face.
"what did you want to talk about?"
i feel my shoulders go stiff at the mere mention. i knew this was coming but i still dreaded it.
"oh, uh... i don't really remember."
"i think it was something about yuta..."
maybe when we had that phone call it was, but now...
"i think he was just being distant as usual."
he nodded his head and traced the rim of his glass a few times.
"i hope i'm not being rude or something," he started. "but all you've ever said about yuta has been a bit... negative?"
i leaned forward, my elbows propped up on the edge of the bar. i look down at the polished wood that outlined its counter. and it really hit me. everything i said about yuta recently really had been so negative. deep down, i guess i kind of knew this... but i always kept making excuses for him. it wasn't that i was starting to hate yuta-- that wasn't it at all.
"i guess it has been pretty negative, huh?"
it brought me back to why i even kept seeing takuya. after all, he reminded me so much of what yuta and i used to have. maybe not to the same lengths, but at least it was something. it helped keep my mind off of yuta isolating himself from me.
and that made me feel awful. it truly did.
but once takuya had pointed it out... it was like a wave of irritation came over me. of course, my situation with yuta was a bit frustrating, but i always kept that frustration in. but that night... i couldn't even explain what happened.
"y'know he never wants to spend time with me like he used to. and even if we do spend time together, it's like he's not even there!" was the start of my rant, and it all went south from there.
i had spilled out every situation to him, not even caring if takuya actually cared. it almost felt good to get it all off my chest. sure, i had vented a few times to johnny. but i would always feel bad since yuta is his best friend too.
but telling takuya everything was another mistake i made that night.
"and you look exactly like him too! and it just makes me feel so better spending time with you because i get to think about what we used to have..."
and that was another mistake i made.
"i-i'm sorry, i didn't mean it... like that-"
"tae," he leaned on the wooden edge with me, his face a bit closer than it was moments ago. "it's okay."
"but it's not." my voice was so small, it was almost inaudible over the chatter and music around us. "it's not fair to you."
"hey, i don't care. i can be whoever you want me to be." he said, almost in the same volume.
"i..."
"you want me to be him? i'll be him," he insists. from the corner of my eyes, i see his hand slowly reaching towards mine. "whatever it takes..."
my breathing hitched, and my heart nearly thumped out of my chest. i knew what he was alluding to, but it was a matter of whether or not i wanted to do it.
and me not thinking clearly, i made yet another mistake that night.
"i want to but i shouldn't... i shouldn't want to..."
it was then that i realized how close we were. his hand rested on my thigh while i unknowingly was inching myself closer to takuya. i could feel his cool breath fanning against my lips, and it sent shivers down my spine and to my toes.
my eyes flickered to his lips, and then up into his own eyes. i knew then that this was bad, and still i didn't care. i was still a bit frustrated and not entirely sober enough to make the right decision.
so instead, i leaned in just a bit more.
"but i really want you so bad." and then his lips curled to a seductive smirk.
yet another mistake.
