emotions

sad? idk also kinda a rant

I don't know what this feeling is
I want to do everything
but nothing at the same time
I have so much energy
but no energy at all
I am on the verge of tears
but no tears race down my face

I need to work
but I don't
I need to practice
but I don't
I should talk to people
but I don't

it is 10:16 pm and I feel empty
like the world around me is moving
but I am not moving with it
like I am going backwards
while the world is moving forward

I haven't been myself lately
I have been easily irritated,
sad,
lonely,
and hopeless

but not in a dangerous way
kinda in the way of when a puppy is lost
safe even though it doesn't know
where it's at or where it's going
but that's alright,
I will find my way

I can't stand my family,
my brother gets everything he ever wants
while I get Jack shit
I have to do so many things,
jump through so many hoops
to go anywhere or do anything.
I can't watch TV without having
everything in my life perfect.
I can't go anywhere until,
I have walked my dog,
cleaned my room,
and any other things my
cruel mother makes me do

I have developed a routine.
wake up.
take meds.
open windows.
eat breakfast.
feed dog.
get ready for walk.
walk dog.
shower.
outfit.
make up.
blow dry hair.
put accessories on.
straighten hair.

every
single
morning.

I don't know if that is
what is making me feel
off
weird
disconnected
or if it's just my mind.

I want to cry it out
and I've tried
but the things that have made tears
pour out my eyes,
no longer do.
have I matured?
have I moved on?
I don't know.
I can't figure it out
and that's what scares me.
Why don't I cry when I think of my dad
when I think of how horrible I'm being treated.
oh, I guess I've grown immune to it.
It is apart of my everyday life,
and it is sad that it is,
but that's just how it is.

I don't know,
after this I might have a huge cry sesh
or a try and cry sesh.
but nothing is really wrong at the moment,
nothing that isn't MY normal.

I don't know,
it is 10:28; goodnight.