You the Best, Yo (COMPLETED)

Chapter 50

Amarie:

You ever get that feeling in your chest or in your stomach like your whole world can just come crashing down at any minute? Like everything could just be taken away from you in a split second? That’s how I feel. Every time I find someone, start to like someone, love someone or get extremely attached, it all gets taken away from me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not worth anything. I been through so much shit and it’s crazy. I always tried to better my life. I guess I wasn’t trying hard enough. No matter what people said to me, I disregarded it. I got too many, “I would never hurt you” or “I’m not leaving” bullshit. I done heard every lie under the sun. I guess it was just me.

It like no matter how hard I try to be the best I can be I always fail. All the shit that I been getting myself into the past couple of years is crazy. I’m not saying that it isn’t worth it because it is but I just need to figure shit out. I feel like I need to make myself better so that people won’t betray or leave me. I always kept this to myself but the fear that I have the most is Chris leaving me. What if he found someone better? What if he got tired of me? And the one that I feared the most, what if he fell out of love with me? I didn’t want this shit to be some little relationship; I wanted this to last forever. I knew we could make it work but something always had to come up. Always and it never failed.

My life wasn’t together and I knew that. I was on probation still, had a criminal background, no job, not in school, my killer was on the loose somewhere, and still plotting to kill me I’m sure. I had beef with my ex-boyfriend and even some people in my crew were acting shady as shit. I was scared about the people that I cared about the most walking out on me. I felt worthless, like I wasn’t good enough. I really need to spend some time getting my life together. I needed guidance and I knew exactly where to go to find it.

I walked out my bedroom and noticed Momma J sitting on the couch watching some Lifetime movie. I sat down on the couch next to her laying my head in her lap. My hair laid across her lap as she tangled her fingers in it. She rubbed the top of my head and looked down at me with a concerned look on her face. I look up at her.

“What’s wrong baby?”  She asked me as she continued to play with my hair.

“If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone?” I asked. She looked at me strangely.

“Depends on what it is honey.” She said. I laughed under my breathe a little.

“Nah, it’s just. I seem like the strongest person right but in reality it’s a front because I’m actually afraid. I’m afraid of losing … everything that I have good going for me, the people in my life. I personally have nothing going for me Ma, I’m so pathetic. I just want my life to be perfect and no one to walk out on me. I never told anyone but that’s how I feel and I’m so ashamed.” I said with tears rolling down my eyes. She wiped the tears from my eyes.

“Look baby, you know what you need to do. You need to get your life together. You need to go to school and try to get a job.”  She said looking deep into my eyes. I know it was the truth but I seriously felt like I couldn’t do it. My life wasn’t ready for work and school. Amarie Fontaine, going to school? I would be so stupid compared to the other kids.

“Ma no one is going to hire me and how am I going to go to school when I don’t even know what I want to do. Plus I don’t want to embarrass myself.” I said to her. She let out a sigh.

“Don’t say that. You are a very smart girl. And Mari I can try to figure out the job thing but as far as school goes, what do you like to do? You always doing your make-up and hair so well and Mel’s as well.” She pointed out. I did love doing hair and make-up but did I really want to have that as my career?