While everyone who knows her weep for her loss, the family decided to crimate her remains and proceed to a simple funeral away from media, -away from people. For her father, her death was a shame for the family name, that everything was perfectly fine until news flashes on screen: Teenstar Laleyne Alcantara committed suicide.
It was late afternoon of 2nd of August when Laleyne's brother Nathe, went to surprice visit Laleyne in her apartment. It was the time when Nathe discovered his sister's lifeless body lying on the couch with some pills scattered around the floor. Laleyne overdosed herself with sleeping pills and never wake up again.
Her fans as well as the media, never stopped digging for reasons why would Laleyne Alcantara despite the fame, chose to end her life. Her family refused to give any statement. Also, Mr. Alcantara, Laleyne's father, with his power, blocked media for getting any information from authorities regarding Laleyne's suicide investigation.
A week later, the issue flared up and questions recieved answers when Ricardo Fontawe, manager of the actress, received an envelope containing Laleyne's autobiography from the psychologist whom she visit at least once a month. In there she wrote:
My life is like a beautiful sad song. It is sad but is beautiful in ears and eyes of many. It is sad but people would still listen to it, -the irony that people would still fell love with the writer's loneliness.
I never thought that I would be an actress. When I was young, I used to dream of me being an astronaut. I want to visit the space, take a tour around Mars and walk along the floating asteroids. What would it take to fly with the commet?
I want to reach the stars and set my feet on the moon, but life works differently when it made me a Star myself. I was 10 when people applaud on me after performing I'm not a Murderess declamation piece up in the stage for English Olympics. That day, I felt different. The 10 year old me felt the appreciation from the crowd which I never felt from my parents. So, I joined theatre club when I was in high school, it is where I found the joy of my heart. I went for an acting class instead of bachelor degree,- my father and I did not talk for about a year because of this.
I am not the sun like my siblings, I turned out to be the orbiting lonely moon in the family. Our eldest was a consistent Valedictorian from elementary to high school and now a successfull businessman, next to him was the Magna Cum Laude of family, Martha will always be dad's favorite Biologist. Nathe was youngest and next to me, he will always be my bunso, he took BS in Physics, now a professor at UST. Look at them, they are shining brightly that I almost blinded myself for not being able to be like them. I always feel bad for not being good in Mathematics and Science, my failure in these fields of academic made me the family's disappointing child for choosing to be an actress rather than anything my dad would classify to be better than who I am right now.
My carreer went to several ups and downs, while many people look over me, I never had my dad's attention in me. The last time I went home, I heard my parents talking about me, while my mother tries to defend me, dad says 'kasikatan? Lilipas din yan. Tapos anong bagsak niya pag nalaos na siya? Hindi ako nagkulang sa pagpapaalala, bahala kang kumunsinte jan sa anak mo.' , and my eldest brother agreed. These would sum up to the negative feedbacks I earn from other people saying I was never good at acting, thanks to my beauty because this is all I ever have, I overreacted my roles or anything that they would not like about me.
My People's Choice awards and minor awards reflected my capacity in acting industry, that despite my imperfections, many would still recognize me as one of the best actresses in time. My favorite character which I played the role with is Ninnia, I'd always love her and the character, and I also envy because she has the support and recognition from her father in every decisions she would make, - things that never worked with me and my father.
You know, if you let asteriods enter your zone, they will hit on you and it will destroy the best of you. Many would pull you down before you could achieve success, some would hit on you to destroy you and others will hate you for having what they want for themselves. Let your gravity pull positivities only, leave every negatives behind.
Life for me was never easy. I always have to wear the smile even though deep inside I am no longer happy, but I like it better than explaining why am I in despair to people who don't really understand why I am. The only person I entrusted myself with is Miss Fye, my psychologist who knows everything about me. I never had a good friend to share things with. Some only uses me for certain purposes. Jeminy Cheng used me to get her name to the top, Paulo Wendel kept in touch with me because he likes Jeminy, Kim be-friended me so she could have me in her vlogs to earn more views and subcribers. I always knew these things but I never speak, sometimes, I just have to play the role of a fool to fool people who thinks they successfully fooled me.
I always know, someday, I might end my life. There is every possibility with all the toxic people I have in life, pressure I need to deal with and pain that never ended. I cannot even distinguish why I end up writing this thing right now. Don't worry, I'm trying to fight my inner demons as much as I can. Its the feeling of emptiness which I thought was fulfilled by the affection I earned from my fans or the roles I played with, - it did not. I used to camouflage myself with all the characters I have to impersonate with, but lately, this thing doesn't seem to work on me. My achievements and recognitions I earned from other people are not enough to cover myself for being a disappointing daughter to my family.
And lastly, to who ever reads this, when your symphony starts to loss its melody, tune up. Living the life is not easy, learn to conquer negativities and never let negativities conquer you the way they conquered my mind and rotten the best of me.
Signed by:
Laleyne Emily Alcantara - 4/10/19
