redamancy

de la mañana

have you ever been so utterly, everything? you feel love and adoration and falling and rising and pain and anxiety and hurt. everything. bitterness. have you ever let it completely consume your thoughts? let your brain scatter itself into a 10000 piece puzzle. but you have no intention of solving it. I have no intention of solving. I'm laying here. it's 1:26am on a Friday night. I'm lying awake staring at a phone screen hoping for a text from a person. this it the first thing I've written in a while, I apologize. I've neglected self care. I've neglected reading and simple songs and art. I've realized the emotion I'm feeling, isn't that complicated. it's simply bitterness. wrong things happen and I can't let it go, someone hurts me and I relish in that emotion for months, years. I soak in it. I remind myself of it. I allow myself to forgive. but I don't allow myself to forget. and it bites onto my fingernails and rips at my cuticles and leaves bruises on mg thighs. this bitterness. i would like to believe I ignore it. but I can't. I believe I have fallen in love. even the sound of that name bouncing off the walls on my brain releases the happy chemicals. dopamine. serotonin. it's like a happy high and then it smacks me in the face that she won't be around Forveer, and that all by itself hurts. and when these thoughts hit, I get thrown into a mudbath of bitterness. I become scared, and skittish. I run from a person who hasn't wronged me. i sprint at full speed in the opposite direction and then when i come back, I'm crawling., i apoliguze becahse i didnt mean it, and i didnt mean it. I have a difficult time comprehending how another person can possibly feel anything for me. I lash out and verbally abuse. and I despise myself for it. Im nothing. I'm a speck in a universe so vast I can't even fathom it. I'm nothing. I'm nothing. nothing. I'm going nowhere, stuck in loop after loop of mindless babble and late night self deprecation. constantly apologizing because I feel as if nothing I do will ever meet anything someone else could. I know I'm enough, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like a variable and at any given moment I'll be tossed to the size for any other pretty girl who is a bit funnier. and when these thoughts hit, I'm thrown back into the way she makes me feel. i remind myself of the love she makes me feel for myself. i imagine the way she took my fave in her hands and told me i was enough. and she kissed me. as if she were sealing those words. enscribing them into my tongue so ill never say another bad thing about myself. I remind myself that even if I don't have her forever. I'll have the feeling of her for eternity. her smell will linger on the tip of happiness. 10 years from now a kiss will rush through my memories and release dopamine and I'll suddenly become happy. and I won't exactly understand why. but that's okay. because I remind myself to live in the moment. don't focus on the end when you're still in the beginning. don't focus on the hurt when I'm still feeling love. I need to learn let go. I need to start writing again. I need to start playing piano and singing and learning how to love myself again. because the real problem here is me. it's my lack of self love, it makes me a difficult person to want. I couldn't ever expect someone to love me, truly, because I'm not lovable. I'm painful. and impulsive. and I laugh at stupid things and wouldn't be able to make you laugh for the life of me, but I'll try. and I guess that's what makes me enough. I try. I'll give you my all. and if I end up not meeting expectations, at least I'll know I tried my hardest. because that's what I'm best at. I'll give you everything I possibly can. I'll fuck up, but I'll fix it. I won't be perfect the first time, but I'll try again and make it better, I'll show up late, but I'll stay to help clean up. the insecurities will come out and be scared, but when I'm okay I'll apologize, I'll always make it right. everyone will love you, but none as much as me.

I'll learn to love myself in the morning.