redamancy

losing you (a story for my brother) (please see this)

I'm losing my memories of you.

I remember your smile..but I can't remember your laugh. I remember when you would walk in my room reeking of those green leaves you sold your life for.

I remember what your hair looked like. I remember when you put on my red flannel and you used to pretend you were JB.

I remember when our mother was yelling at me and you would walk in my room..you would yell at her to leave me alone and when she would leave my bedroom, you would let me cry and rub my back, you would wipe my tears away.

You said "forever and always" when you left that summer. You promised we would be forever because that's what family does.

You promised, j..

There's more to that night then I'll ever tell anyone. I can't even tell myself..I wonder if you remember it all as clearly as I do.

I wonder if you can still drink and feel fun and light like you always did.

I wonder if you can look at Pisco Porton..I wonder if you can look at it without remembering the hidden bottle of vodka in my closet that we would break out when we had a bad day..

I wonder if you wonder how I'm doing. I wonder if you hate me..do you hate me?

I need to talk to you, but I can't remember your phone number. I don't know what you look like now, I haven't seen you in 9 months.

The days pass by like water in a faucet. They just..pour over my skin all blending together. Each day bringing me farther from you..

I wonder what it will be like if I ever see you again. Will you look at me with disgust?

I remember when we were 3 and 5. We weren't with our mom, she was away..and I didn't understand. You told me she would come back for us..because thats what family does.

She came back. Like you said..

Will you be back..?

The last thing you ever said to me was asking if I was okay..I didn't say a word. I don't remember what the last thing I told you was.

I don't remember the last way you saw me after I was walking back to my room..not looking at you..

I wish I had looked at you. I wish I had kept my mother fucking mouth shut!

Maybe I would be able to tell you I'm sorry..that I love you. You're my best friend. You weren't by best friend, you still are my best friend.

Because thats how siblings are supposed to be..

It's getting harder to type and my eyes are watered. Im wondering if you miss me..

I wonder if you remember that I love you..

I wonder what you're doing right now.

I wonder if you got your hands on more green leaves..I wonder if you do it because of me now..instead of for fun. Do you do it to remember me..?

Do you associate me with things..

I never thought I needed to pay attention to the things you did.

I remember on valentine's day your bought your girlfriend a giant panda..only to find out she had been screwing 4 dudes in a dairy queen work closet.

You threw the bear away. And sat in my room and cried. I tried to help but i couldn't..

I wonder if you remember my laugh.. do you remember what laughing felt like? Do you wonder how I smile now?..without you.

Do you forgive me..please forgive me.
I miss you. Because thats what family does.