Genesis ► GREY'S ANATOMY [1]

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

COURTNEY WAS NOT FINE. Countless sleepless nights and way too many moments alone with her thoughts had made her come to that realization. No matter how many times she told herself that she was fine it didn't have any effect. She wasn't suddenly going to be walking on sunshine and rainbows. Pretending and putting a smile on her face didn't make her feel any better inside. It had quite the opposite effect. All the faking, all the fake smiles, the pushing down the bad feelings made her feel even more alone than she already was. She needed someone to talk to, but every time that she had had the opportunity, she froze and ended up saying nothing. She didn't try again later, even though she had opportunities to do so.

Valerie had asked her many times if she was doing okay. No joke, the woman asked that question almost every day. After the blonde had lashed out at her, Valerie had grown suspicious. She knew that Courtney had a short temper, but she had never yelled at Valerie like that. She had this feeling that something was up, but she didn't want to push Courtney, so she let it go. She continued to be there for her, hoping that one day, Courtney would tell her what was going on.

Each time that Valerie had asked, Courtney had replied that nothing was going on. There had been the one time, while she had been helping Alex search for his lost patient, where Courtney had this close to telling. She had opened her mouth to speak the dreaded words, she wasn't fine, but closed it again when Valerie yelled out the child's name. After that failed attempt, Courtney didn't try anymore. She didn't want to bother the nurse. She didn't want to throw all her problems on her.

There were a few times where Courtney had come close to talking to Callie. After the latter had been kicked out of the hospital by Richard, she had moved in with George at the Greys' house. Courtney liked having Callie around on a daily basis. Most nights – before George claimed his girlfriend back – the two friends had sat on Courtney's bed, just talking while eating some cookies that she had found stashed in some cupboard. However, every time that Courtney had come close to telling what was going, she chickened out every time. Again, she didn't want to bother her friend with her problems. Callie's relationship with George was a bit rocky, so why would Courtney put even more stress in her life?

Courtney was still not talking with her sister, so she was out of the running for people that she could talk to. Whenever they were in the same room, they ignored each other. Well, Courtney did the ignoring, while Meredith gave her the awkward smile. They both knew that they had hurt the other with their words, but neither of them had the strength in them to start up a conversation. They might not be on speaking terms, but that didn't mean that they didn't care about each other. There had been a handful of times where they instinctively reached out for the other, before realizing that they were supposed to be in a fight. For example, after coming home from her date with Derek, Meredith had wanted nothing more than to go to her sister's room and talk about what happened, while the younger one would be holding her.

Then there was the last person with who Courtney was close with: Alex Karev. He was a no go, since the universe seemed to be against them. They rarely had a chance to talk to each other. It wasn't like they didn't see each other anymore, because they still had their chats before and during rounds, but that wasn't really the time to start spewing out how horrible you were feeling. Besides, the others were there as well and they didn't need to know what was going on inside of Courtney's head. Aside from those short moments surrounded by other people, they constantly missed each other. When the other was free, the other was just about to go into surgery. One was on-call for that night, while the other was able to go home and rest.