Lost ❄️ Reddie

Letter 1

October 3, 1989

Eds,

It's been nearly two months since the showdown with IT. I know it's stupid, but when I was three seconds from death, all I could think about was you.

That thing was unstoppable. I don't know why we thought we could pull off killing it, but here we are. I mean, we did succeed, but at what cost?

I haven't been myself, and everyone can tell. I lost my best friend that day in those dark sewers. I held you as the life faded from your eyes, as you still managed to try to make me smile as you bled out, a hole in your chest and another in my heart.

The police said you had gone on an adventure in the sewers and died of starvation, but myself and the other losers know the truth. You were murdered by a fucking clown, and I will never be the same.

Things are terrible now. I can't bring myself to make jokes, I don't raise my hand, and I have to sit and watch as everyone else is happy and know that I'll never be without you.

The other losers are worried about me. We all still hang out, have movie nights, but there's a hole in our group that can't be filled. They always ask me how I'm doing, and all I can do is shrug. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to tell them that I'm dying inside and cry myself to sleep every night knowing that I'll never be happy because the love of my life was torn apart by a deadly clown???

Yeah, I said it.

You were the fucking love of my life, Eds.

I never thought I'd be able to feel so strongly for someone, but it turns out I did. I promised myself I'd tell you the truth when we left those godforsaken sewers, but that didn't work out did it?

I miss you every day, Eds. I miss you so much and I can't go a day without crying and feeling lost. We all cope in our own ways, I guess. I know I won't forget you and I'll never be able to love again.

It's terrible here, in Derry. I mean, this place was always a shit hole, but without you it seems even darker. The sun doesn't shine as much, not that it should. There's no angels for it to shine on anymore.

Things will never get better, but they have changed.

Your mom isn't as much of a bitch, anymore. She doesn't believe you went missing and died, but she doesn't know what really happened either. All she seems to know is her baby is gone and she can't do anything to change it.

I've kind of hated your mom my whole life, but a few weeks ago she invited me over for tea and we talked about our lives. I know we were purposefully skipping over talking about you, since it's still a fragile topic and neither of us are ready to cry in front of the other.

She and I have started to meet every weekend though, so I know that eventually we'll end up talking about you.

The funeral wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It was only your mom and us losers. We didn't say anything. Instead we just stood there and watched as the casket was lowered. Your mom said I could speak, but I couldn't bring myself to accept that you were gone and I would be speaking at your funeral.

God, I wish it had been me instead.

You were too gentle, Eds. You deserved a happy life, not a death in the grossest place in the world. I tried to drag your body out, knowing you wouldn't want to be left in such a gross place, but the others told me I couldn't bring you with me.

It was Stan that suggested I write in a diary. I would've made a joke about how girly it was or whatever in the past, but in the now, all I could do was accept it and thank him. I've had it for nearly a month, but just now I decided to write.

I have to be up for school in a few hours, but I can't go to sleep until I write out what I wish I could say to you. Even in death, I refuse to believe you'd be happy unless I wrote out all of the bullshit that's been going on.

Truth be told, the world will never be the same. No one seems to care that you're gone besides the losers, your mom, and myself, but I think we make up for the the entire town.

I miss you so much. I never got to tell you the words, but I love you and I miss you so goddamn much. If you were here I guarantee we'd be dating or awkwardly flirting or something like that. I mean, let's be honest, you radiate gay energy and I'm kind of just a fuck up that radiates everything energy.

Even if it wasn't after, I'd never love anyone but you. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't help but hope something happened that we didn't see and you are somehow alive in another place. I don't even know why I hope it, but I can't help but pray.

I'm not even really fucking religious, but I've been praying every night.

Praying that somewhere, wherever you are, you can hear me and know that I'm hurting but I'm trying to heal for you. The difference is that this time you're not here to put on my bandaids and cuddle me after I got into a fight that I lost.

Because, we lost. We lost the one thing I can't live without.

That's you.

I can never love, never feel genuinely happy, never fully heal. It's your memory that makes me want to try. If you were here and I was sulking, you'd probably say something in a sarcastic tone and then beg me to go with you to get a milkshake or something.

Even if it didn't always remove why I was upset, it made me remember that you were all I needed.

And now you're gone.

The world is a dark place, Eddie.

Without you it's even darker.

All my love,

Richie

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For all of you wondering, this is an AU that takes place when the losers are 15-16, and it takes place after the first battle with IT

Ayyyy I'm back with another one :))

So updates will probably be slow as shit cuz I'm in school now but I'll try for you guys

This story is gonna be sad with (hopefully) a happy ending :))

As y'all know, I don't plan out my stories really before so I'm not sure what's gonna happen but imma try to make it good!!!

Love y'all!!!