Silent Pain

Depression in the Way

One week went by so fast, and it was time to go to Stanford for Allen's memorial. I didn't know if I could tolerate another memorial as I felt terribly sad at his funeral. Maybe I can drown out my sadness with all of Allen's friends being there, even the ones who chose different schools. They all made the sacrifice to come to this memorial. After waking up at 8:00 in the morning, having breakfast and packing the car, we began piling in mom's van. "Sydney honey, do you have everything you need?" "Yes, I do". "Do you have everything you want for the trip?" My father asks, and I repeat "yes" to him. I had my phone with music, movies and my book that I've been reading. It's only a three hour drive and plus I'm too tired to stay awake for the whole trip. After pulling out and driving away, I fell asleep listening to music.

When we got to Stanford, the guest parking lot was crowded, but not as crowded as the student parking lot. As we headed towards the building, my mom carries a box of Allen's photos and my dad carries a box of candles. There was memorial music playing over the intercom. Pictures of Allen were standing on tables in every hallway with burning candles next to them. I took a rose and put it next to the photo of Allen and me in Hawaii summer 2017 for Allen's graduation trip. The photos mom and dad brought were scattered on different tables. I wasn't sure about walking around in an unfamiliar building so I stuck close to my parents. We ran into Allen's friends who came to us and gave us their condolences. Among them was Allen's girlfriend Shelby Williams. She tapped my shoulder and hugged me. When she let me go, I saw her wipe away a tear. I know how she feels. Allen was taken from her just as much as he was from us, and the worst part? He was about to propose to her. "Sydney, I'm so sorry." "Look Shelby, Allen wanted you to have something". She raised her eyebrows as another tear fell down her cheek. I walked over to my dad and asked for the ring.

I took it and gave it to Shelby. When she opened it, she gasped slowly and quietly. "He loved you Shelby. He loved you so, so much. He was going to ask you sometime this month. It was in his suitcase when the police gathered his belongings." Shelby held the ring close to her, leaned on the wall and let herself slide down the wall as she cried. A few more of Allen's friends sat with her. "Miss Kingston, my name is Professor Armond, I was Allen's Written and Oral Communications teacher. Allen was one of my best students, it's awful how he was taken so soon." I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded at him and started walking away. "Hey kid. Listen, he talked about you sometimes". I stopped in my path and turned around. "He talked about me"? "Everyday I learned something new about you. He said you mattered a lot to him and he'd do anything to protect you and seeing you hurt was the worst thing that could happen to him." I was a bit intrigued, so I had to listen to this. "I always thought his worst fear was death". "No, he said it was seeing you unhappy". I felt the tears coming. "Excuse me". I started crying, so I searched for the bathroom. When I found it, I locked myself in a stall and cried until another student found me. When I got out, she recognized me as Allen's sister and said the memorial was beginning in the commons. I saw people lighting candles, putting up pictures of Allen, writing messages of paper heart cut-outs, and saying prayers. I just walked around the room for a while. After seeing my parents participating in what the students were doing, I joined in. After lighting a candle, saying a prayer and writing a message on a paper heart, my family and I left. We went to our hotel room and had dinner. That night, I sat out by the pool. It wasn't clear tonight, mostly cloudy but I could still see the moon. My mom had to come get me from outside to bring me in. She had her arm around me the whole way up to the room. I couldn't fall asleep, so I looked out my window. By 3:00 in the morning, it cleared up and it got windy. I felt like Allen was looking at the campus and us from those stars, so I didn't go to bed until I got tired.

By 11:00 the next day, my parents and I were heading home. Some of the pictures were staying at the college for the semester so anyone who didn't go to the memorial could put down roses or messages. We got home around 2:30 and our family relaxed for the rest of the day. I wasn't looking forward to going to school tomorrow since the academic stuff starts this week and I'm not as prepared as I thought I'd be. Rebecca wasn't making anything easy last week and she never will. After dinner, I made sure all my weekend homework was done and in my backpack. When I fell asleep, I still wasn't emotionally ready. Not to go to school, not to study and certainly not to face Rebecca again.