October to October

{Chapter Nineteen}

  Lauren felt like someone had hit her over the head with something heavy, and she barely remembered going to Jake's and sitting on the couch all night ignoring his friends and flipping through the TV channels. She played with her phone, and she saw Joan's number, but what would they even say to one another? 

  Lauren couldn't stop thinking about what happened. She never thought she could feel so much at once. Was she gay? Was she bi? Did this mean she liked girls, or was it just Joan? She had never felt attracted to a woman before. She hadn't felt attracted to anyone before, really. Not even Jake. There was no denying what had happened though, and Lauren started it. She thought back to their night above the Antique Button. It was obvious now. 

   Jake drove Lauren home around three am, and they messed around in his car before she went in. They kissed for a long time in the back seat, and he tried to talk her into having sex. He kept assuring he had condoms. She almost wanted to for some reason, but she stopped herself. She went inside, and she was thankful her parents were asleep since her dress was halfway unzipped and her underwear was scrunched up in her left hand. 

  She hurried upstairs where she tore off her dress and slipped into a t-shirt. She sat on her bed and glanced out the window towards Joan's house. She wondered if Sandra went home with Joan. There was a sleek silver car in front of the house. That was probably Sandra, Lauren realized. She'd seen it a few times before. She wondered if they were having sex. Probably, she thought. She wanted to punch out the window.

  She lay down and covered herself with her down comforter as she tried to calm down. She was full of anger, excitement, and worry. She realized she was crying as she laid in the dark, and she wasn't sure why. She closed her eyes tightly, and she tried to sleep, but she was too tense and there were too many things going through her mind. She wanted to scream. What was happening to her life? 

   Lauren didn't know how she drifted off to sleep, but the next thing she knew she was waking up, and it was one in the afternoon. She heard voices downstairs, and she realized her grandparents and her cousins Amy and Steven from Orlando had arrived. She dreaded seeing them and having to pretend she felt okay. She wasn't okay. She felt tired, and her head was pounding. She looked out the window towards Joan's. The silver car was gone.

  She lay back down for a few moments; deciding she needed a few more minutes. She had dreams about the kiss all night. Well, kisses and a lot more. She felt excited just thinking about it even through her anger, and fear. Her hand drifted slowly down to her underwear. She rarely tried to masturbate since it always seemed to end in frustration. She'd never had an orgasm. She always wondered if she was doing it incorrectly, but now she realized she was only missing inspiration before. She was coming just as Ruth knocked on the door, and it flew open. Lauren threw the covers over herself just in time.

  "Lauren, get your butt downstairs," Ruth said. "Everyone is here, and they want to see you."

  "Go away!" Lauren shouted; her whole body on fire from embarrassment. "And learn to knock!" 

  "I did! And it's one in the afternoon. You can't sleep all day."

  "It is Christmas vacation so yes I can!"

  "Get dressed and get downstairs. Grandma and Grandpa brought presents, and they're letting us open one early."

  "I'll get dressed, God! Just get out!"

  Ruth slammed the door behind her, and Lauren sighed heavily as she lowered the covers. She was sure her face was flaming red from almost getting caught touching herself. She calmed herself down, and then she went to take a shower and get dressed.