Fallingforyou // Matty Healy

Painting

Straight lines they unwind you

My head bops side to side as the song goes on, body shifting with the rhythm. Milk was always one of my favourites, it reminded me of our youth and how reckless we actually were behind the scenes.

I was no saint, I had done drugs but I was careful. After being drugged I felt uncomfortable being completely out of control of my body but I did experiment in my later teenage years to try and ease the pain... and it did, but only temporarily.

Matty was getting worse as the days went on, he promised to stay clean and then would come home completely in another world. I worried for him and I was losing him.

It won't mend your heart if it's only a couple of lines
and now she's doing it all the time

The words echo in my brain, I let my paintbrush glide across the canvas in strokes of different paint. My mind in another place, imagining myself to be young again.

"What're you painting?" A voice breaks my trance

I jump at the unexpected voice, turning to see Matty leaning up against the wall.

Shrugging I turn back to the canvas, the outline of a body with its head open and a bunch of wild flowers sprouting out in different ways, a representation of my chaotic thoughts. 

"Letting my emotions out I guess? Call this one lost my head." He crosses his arms and nods, rocking back and forth on his heel.

"I'm going to get coffee, Don't wait up" Matty mumbles, wandering off towards the front door.

"Wait but it's 9pm-" I'm cut off by the door slamming shut and the first chords to Ribs sound from the speakers in the corner of the room.

I stand up from my position, swaying in rhythm to the song and pick up my finished canvas. Placing it in the kitchen on the counter so it can dry and I grab a glass of wine.

The music is turned up louder and I spin in circles, flailing my arms around in a drunken state as I giggle in bliss. I felt like I was slowly ridding the weight of stress off of me the more I span.

My wine spills out of my hand onto the rug in the living room. I drop to my knees and start to mop it up in my hazy state before I just start crying. My body drops to a fetale position and I sob, the wails leaving my throat as my body shakes.

In my 26 years alive I had never felt so alone, the band were gaining popularity more and more as the days went by and Matty got worse and worse and it was all too much. I can feel myself slowly losing it, I felt out of control and I was losing my best friend alongside it.

Matty was very rarely home, I don't know where he stayed or who he spent his downtime with but it wasn't me or the boys. It was whoever would supply his dirty habit. I had tried numerous times to have a serious conversation but he always walked out or started an argument over it. 

Tour had ended last month, this time was for the second album which I had been assigned to design the production for however Matty wasn't working with me.

I let myself cry longer, pulling my knees to my chest and unknowingly fell asleep like that. A pair of arms engulfing me wakes me, picking me up effortlessly as I stir from my slumber.

"Go back to sleep petal" Ross says softly, pulling me closer to him.

"How d'ya get in?" I murmur sleepily.

"Spare key remember? You've been crying" He states rather than questions.

I sniffle "I'm fine Rassy, just Matty getting to me."

He gives me a sad smile "I'm staying the night, we can have one of our many infamous sleepovers."

"Can we cuddle?" I ask feebly.

I feel his chest vibrate from a soft laugh before a nod "No one else I'd rather cuddle with in the world, now c'mon your comfy mattress is calling my name."

Ross always made me feel safe, we had been through so much together and he was like family. He was like my soul mate but in a term of friendship not relationship, he'd told me once he felt the same. I knew I'd always have him when I felt most alone in the world and I appreciated that.