fuck off cruel world

In love with a stranger

So no more boyfriend. It's hard being with someone when you know they love you more than you'll ever love them. So I had to leave, because I had to accept that I'm not ready to be in love with someone else.
    Over the summer, I learned that Noah transferred schools. The kid who stabbed him still hangs around my school, and obviously they can't be around each other.
    So I end things with James, my boyfriend, because i just can't be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. And then I learn that Noah's not coming back to school. For some background, at the end of eighth grade, he told me he was getting held back. I was sad, then resolved to get over him. Then freshman year- there he was. Brilliant. End of ninth grade, he says he's gonna be homeschooled so he won't get held back. Then October of sophomore year, there he was.
     But this time I really thought it would be different. This time, I really thought he was gone for good, and that he couldn't come back to haunt me. Cause that's what it feels like he's doing. I could live with it if I never saw him. And I could live with it if we were still friends. But I can't live with it if I see him everyday, and he ignores me. It breaks my heart every time.
   So on the first day of school, bam. There he is. Purple t shirt. Jeans in August. And braids in his hair. Since I last saw him, plus one scar wound.
    He's on the football team, even thought he doesn't go to our school anymore. And so everyday I see him. I wait by the door, just for those few seconds when he walks by, and we breathe the same hair for half a lifetime. He never says anything. Am I waiting for him to say something? Why?
    I can't eat, my stomach is too nervous. I'm light headed and nauseous and all I do is sleep when I'm not at school or practice. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I know I want to talk to him, because this whole business of just waiting for him to slowly disappear doesn't work. Because he never disappears. Everyday someone has his name in their mouth. He's become what's happened to him, but he'll always be more than that to me.
    But I'm afraid it's too late. I should have fought harder for him in middle school. I should have tried harder. Now we don't talk. I keep waiting for him to talk, but he won't. I'm in love with a stranger.
    I have to be the one to talk.