That morning, a woodpecker crashed on the window pane, creating a mild thud and it landed fortunately on the hedge, I was quick to rescue it and as it hopped on my palm it quickly flew away. My eyes caught the first ray of sunlight, I looked at the streaks of light kissing the wide green canopy of the oak tree. I smelled the stale breathe of the wind coming from the nearby lake just across the garden, then I remembered my papa. I pulled my phone out from my pocket and made a call.
"How are you, papa?" I looked back at the garden, I noticed few early butterflies hovering on the opened buds.
I am fine, honey. You?
I leaned on the window frame, my eyes transferred to the mountain ranges that lies on the far side of the town. I just want to look at the birds surfing on the thin clouds to ease my worries but I managed to sound fine.
I heard papa sighed.
Why bother ask you, I know exactly how you feel. We both do.
I pressed my eyelids together and feel the subtle brush of the curtain on my skin as another wind blows. The lump in my throat is keeping me silent.
Let's just pray, honey.
That's all he said.
Prayer... if prayer is an answer to all suffering then why Jai can't be healed? Why is he, lying on his bed, staring outside the curtain, silent and waiting for the light to swallow him. To where, he could walk, he could laugh, he could talk and he could be free from worries? I stopped praying when the doctor said there's nothing they can do to heal him, that his days are counted. I swear I could smack the doctor's nose till it bleed. I was angry at that time, angry at him, with his family, with myself...
The Mesothelioma took a great toll in his health, he experienced unexplained weight loss, and the most obvious part was the infection to his lungs and then to his heart, it's still a question why he lost his voice. Doctors says they're counting the weeks... days, where he can't take it anymore.
The news shatters me, especially when I found out that it's been a year since he was suffering from it and I didn't even noticed the symptoms. And I can't help but to blame myself from not knowing, had I known it then would there be any possibilities that he's going to be cured?
I pressed my lips together to surpass a sob. My voice filled the room as blue jays tweets up ahead, soothing me. I wiped my tears clean and check myself in front of the mirror. I look sick. But not as sick as him. My eyes have swollen and darks circles are under my eye, I'm pale and my hairs are sticking up. If Jai is well, he would've teased me by now. A lump caught in my throat but I managed to clear it as I reached for the door knob at twist it open.
I saw Paul, the loyal helper of Kapoor family, he was carrying a platter, with a special food that the doctors advised Jai to eat, I glanced at it and it wasn't even touched to the half of it. Paul must have seen me, he flash his eyes at me with sympathy, he smile as if assuring me that it's going to be okay and I smile just to return his thoughtfulness.
I look at Jai's room. It is open, they didn't close it just in case he needs help. Doctor Martin, the family doctor emerged from his room, holding his record book. Aunt Virsha and uncle Niranjan r was outside his room, looking worry and hopeful.
"How was he?" aunt asked, his hands clasped together.
He bowed his head, as if disappointed with himself, "To be honest with you Vishra, Niranjan, there's no improvements with his health, and he's not cooperating well. I did everything I can to help him but I can only further help him if he help himself."
Aunt Virsha covers her face, I saw a line of veins beside her eyes. And uncle Niru, he looks older.
"You know, I'm never good with prayers, but I think it might help him. Jai have closed his mind over his death, he's preparing to die, he's waiting..." this time aunt sobbed, "I'm not saying this to worry you more than you are already, I just want you to help him see that life is still worth living even if his between life and death."
Uncle Niranjan remains silent and I could hear nothing from aunt Virsha rather than a sob. Until Dr. Martin excused himself and walk towards the hallway, he smiled at me and before descending down the stairs.
When aunt Virsha was eased, they went downstairs, holding each other's hand. I watched them leave and tried to imagine how much pain a parent would feel with the thought of their son dying.
I looked once again at Jai's door. I gulp at the thought of seeing him, will I be able to bear seeing him? Or am I just overthinking anything.
Without thinking, I found myself heading towards his room. I grab the knob with a shaking fingers and pushed it, it sprang open. Just like the smell from outside, it smells of anaesthetics, the lights are dull but the sun light creeps just enough for the room to feel alive. I saw the small lump on his bed. Then there, I saw his pale little hand, his little shoulders and...
I bolted out the door, I can't take it! I just can't! I have stayed in their house for the whole weekend hoping to look after him, but the moment I stepped in front of his room and Aunt Virsha bolted out with a puffy eye because Jai had a mild cardiac arrest the first time I came here, I was terrified to come back again to his room, fearing I might witness what Mrs Kapoor did.
But I felt ashamed with myself. If it was me on his situation, Jai might be brave enough to look after me. And I feel like staying here for a week is useless and I can't go back to my dad without even something to share him how my day with Jai was. I can't just tell him that I stayed inside my room the whole day because I was scared to look at Jai... because I know it might break me.
But I managed to grasp my bravery, I breathed sharply in and out as I stepped back to his room, this time it smelled like lime, just like him.
I carried myself slowly at the foot of his bed, I turned to his right side, beside the window and right there, I saw his face gently lit by the sunlight, somehow he looked tanned, but still, he's so thin and delicate. I want to touch him and soothe him, whatever pain he has. I want to pull his leg until he get up, I want to hit him with a pillow or scream "Cock-a-doodle-doo", the way I used to. But now, all I can do is look at him and stare like a dumb cow.
Tears suddenly trickled down my eyes. And as if ny sensing me, he slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light and he look at me, with a surprise. He didn't know I am here, he didn't probably know I am here all along.
He blinked his long lashes, it looks dark as ever. He just stared at me, as if making sure I he's not dreaming. I shift my weight to let him know I am not an apparition and I smile.
"Hi..."
This is the first time that I ever greeted him with the word - "hi", but still, I'm hoping he would smile back.
He slowly raise his hand with great effort, I assumed he'll wave "hi" but my feet tremble and my hart sunk to the daggered floor, when he points his finger towards the door.
* * *
Hello people...
Shradda Kapoor As Aniah
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