My Lantern

CHAPTER XII - II

   Every night I would meditate the rosary and go to the chapel to pray for him, that’s the only time where I can be true to myself, through prayer, where I can hand God my weakness.

  I never stopped praying for him, and I prayed for myself, praying that I’ll make it through. I still can’t deny the fact that my heart breaks to pieces every time I saw him but I have to pretend that I am strong, because I want him to feel like I didn’t sympathised him, that he was be able to stood up against his sickness because of himself, not because of my sympathy.

  As I continued praying, my “romantic gesture” goes on for two week, Paul would help me make one if he has a free time and then I started to learn how to do it, when I made mine for the first time I painted heart on it.

  I added visiting Jai to my routine, which I didn’t mind, I stayed over their house and mess around with him, at first he gets annoyed and pissed but as he got used to me again, he would laugh, not that he could actually produce a sound but I know there’s laughter in his heart and it’s enough for me.

  I would go to their house and spend time with him, we would watch a movie and I would tease him about his fear in watching horror movies. He beat me in a chess match, I beat him on Scrabbles, he would play guitar and I would sing and he cringe every time because I have a voice of a crow, so demonic, he would always say. Everything is fine, it’s just like the things we usually do together, except for the timely doses of medicine, the check-ups, the apparatuses beside his table, the loose t-shirt, the thing body, the weak eyes, pale skin and silence but all in all, I’m happy. We’re happy.
 
  The only that would make everything ugly is when he would hand me a novel and I would complain about it the whole time, but even though I hate books, I bought him one, I just don’t know what it is but I just pulled it out randomly at the bookstore. I hope it’s thriller.

His parents would spent time with him, they would watch classic movies, which Jai loves and I hate, they would play chess and Jai would beat each of them, uncle Niranjan would tease aunt and they would laugh. His parents saw the big improvements in Jai, not with his health though but with his emotional aspects. He’s warm and sunny.

As I continue doing it, I started seeing his improvements, the way his appetite improves and the way he walks from the bed to the balcony or to the comfort room. I can actually feel him being one of those lanterns – light, shining and carefree. I was surprised when he hit me with a pillow after I cheated as we play poker and the way he wrestled me when I woke him up after screaming “cock-a-doodle-doo”.

Aunt Vishra and Uncle Niranjan are starting to have hopes. They too are happy.

  Everything is falling into place, I made Jai happy.

  Last Tuesday, I finally pursued him to go downstairs, the doctor actually would advise exposing Jai outside. And after hours of convincing him, he finally got up and throw me a death glare that says ‘I swear to God, Ani’. ANI, I missed how he would say my name.

  He wore his slippers and I can’t help but to be amaze and laugh. It was a hard time heading downstairs, especially when he had to stop every three flights because he would lose his breathe, every step he takes I closed my eyes and pray hard. At the moment there, I started to regret why did I ever asked him to go outside but his persistence wiped that thought away and I feel like my heart is being squeezed, I can’t breathe with a lump in my throat, but I cleared it away, I had to look strong for him even though I’m emotionally weak.

  “Come on, Jai. Should we use a sled or something to get down?” I mocked and he sniggered, actually finding it funny, my heart swells.

  After fifteen long minutes that I felt like the Kapoor’s twenty-four steps staircases is so long, we finally reached the bottom, he’s breathing heavily. He’s already on a wheel chair.

“It’s easy, you know” I said, encouraging him. He smiled as he looked up the stairs, satisfaction and pride in his eyes.

“Come on, let’s get to the garden!” I chirped as I swivelled the wheelchair for a turn and heads to the backdoor finally reaching the cobblestone pathways that leads to the garden. The trees fanned us as a welcome and I actually heard Jai sighed in relief, I smiled. This place brings back a lot of memories.

  I pushed the wheel chair towards the fountain. I remembered the time where there was a party in their house, Jai and I sneaked here and actually bathe, and our parents reprimand us for hours about it, we were six then. And I think Jai remembers it as I saw his shoulders shake and the corner of his eyes wrinkled, he’s laughing and I laugh too.

  Then we head to the flower beds, home of the different flowers and I don’t know exactly what are they but one thing is for sure, Jai and I are fond of them as kids.

  We came to the bushes of the red West Indian Jasmin, Santans are one of my favourite flowers, we used to pick them up and connect each flowers to the others to make tiara, necklace and bracelet. I made a tiara for him and as I put them on, he waved his hands as if he’s Queen Elizabeth. I laugh hard. His humour is back. Then I was even surprised when he stood up, I don’t want to make him sit back down, I want to make him feel that he’s healthy and all.

  He picked a flower and also made one for me and as he did, a yellow butterfly perched on his nose, he looked at it, making him look funny, I laugh hard. He rolled his eyes, his signature expression. As he was finished, he wrapped the Santan around my wrist, beside the rosary beads.

  Then he took something from his pocket, a pen and a small note pad. He scribbles and hand me the pad.

“So that you’ll always have someone holding you.” it reads.

  My eyes started to burn. I smiled. “I should put that thing on your head to your neck, so that you’ll have someone to choke you.”

He grin, sarcastically. “No, let me die in a natural way.” He wrote another and I’m starting to get annoyed. Why would he ruin the moment?

“Stop it, Jai! You’re not gonna die okay?” I raised my voice.

He smirked and shook his head. Then he gritted his teeth, I feel like he’s frustrated, he wants to talk back, but he’s deprived of voice. His expression depends on this stupid note pad and a pen!

“Don’t give me hopes, Ani” he wrote.

“What do you mean by that?”

He looked at me as if saying ‘You know what that means’.

“You mean, false hopes? What. I don’t understand you? Jai, I just want you to see that life is still worth living, I don’t want you to think that there’s no more hopes despite your illness! Just let me help you see it. And I’m always praying for you to be okay Jai. Can’t you see? I want you back, Jai. I don’t want to see you like this.”

He shrugged his thin shoulders as if saying ‘then leave!’

“I don’t want to leave you, you stupid cow! I just want you back!”

I wouldn’t have noticed that I was crying if it isn’t for his cold fingers that wiped my tears away.

“you can’t” he mouthed, my chin trembles. He closed his weary eyes and handed me a warm paper, it is folded into a small square, and as he did, he sat back to the wheel chair and rolled away from me.

I sank down to the ground as I stifled a sob. Then, gaining my strength, I unfold the paper, a crisp sound reminds me of his first letter when we had a fight and he had to write his apology, the paper has a dream catcher templates at the lower right corner, the same as his first letter for me. His handwriting covered the whole paper. I let my tears falls, the wind blows and the bird chirped as I started reading.

* * *

NOTE

Hello people, My Lantern is almost on its last chapter. And I hope you'll be there.

Stay shining, y'all... xoxo