My Lantern

CHAPTER XIV

The night is damp and the air as well, it is cold, so cold I feel like my knees are being turned to ice, I can’t barely walk without shivering. My bag is heavy but then again, since when did I ever feel lighter? Well, the lanterns did help to ‘lighten me up’ as well.

As I made my way to the bus stop, the bell tolls. And I didn’t hesitate to step inside the chapel. As I did, the smell of burning wax filled my nostril, it’s nostalgic and heart breaking.

I closed my eyes and kneeled.

God, you know how much he means to me, I know that you have a bigger plan. I know that there’s a reason why you made me stronger even though I’m very weak and I hope that you will never leave me. I wouldn’t ask you to changed your plans with Jai but please, give me strength to do my purpose as his best friend. And please, help Jai open his mind. Amen.

As I stepped outside, I saw few people gathering around the sidewalk, their cameras are aimed above and their heads are turned upward, my sight then followed and the rush of warmth filled my heart as I saw the lantern wandering into space, a heart painted on it.

* * *

As I entered the gate, Aunt Vishra ran towards, panic is visible in his eyes accentuated by tears and the anxiety within it.

“Why!?”

“It’s Jai!”

Panic surged through me like an electricity igniting my system with dread.

“Why?”

“He’s…” she trailed off. “He locked himself inside the room, he hasn’t eaten nor taken a medicine, he… he won’t open the door, Aniah, please! Help us…”

Though the dread started to evaporate my heart just won’t stop beating loudly that aunts voices are audible. My knees started to tremble but I managed to gather myself together when my father called my name and when my sight darted to the man beside him, Arjun.

But I didn’t mind all their eyes that fixed through me with hope and rescue, I bolted towards the house and harshly pushed the door open, I saw Sheila at the corner with a fair looking woman who’s worries are as visible as aunt Vishra’s.

I heared them call but then I refused to keep in touch. As I reached his door and bang on it hard, I can even picture him flinching… if he could still do that. I snapped at myself for thinking hideous things. I banged harder I felt like my knuckles are being tortured. I heard footsteps downstairs.

“Jai, please, open the door!” I plead, my voice soft opposite to what I’ve been doing with his oak door.

I kept calling out his name and bagging on the door until my energy was consumed by the tears I’ve shed. I can’t knock anymore as I carried myself to the hardwood floor.

“Jai…” it came as a whisper.

Aunt and Sheila are at the top of the stairs, their eyes are blood shots. And I can’t help but to be upset to them, they are weak, when Jai was sick they didn’t even do something to make him feel better. They just look at him with pity and pain in their eyes that Jai just want to end it all instead of letting the one he loves suffer because of him. I felt my nails dug deep in my palm. Why can’t they just be strong for him so he can hold on to them, why can’t they just hold on to them and never let them go.

Then it flashed to me as sharp as a neon in the pitch black room, I remembered my motives. I grabbed my bag, it felt heavier than before. I descended down the stair, aunt caught my wrist.

“Aniah, don’t leave.”

“I’m never gonna leave Jai, aunt because I’m always gonna be there when he’s scared. Remember the time when we were eight, when he fell down from this stairs because he thought a bogey man was trying to get him, he stumbled and broke his leg, I was there to help him, and what did you do? You just stood there motionless because you were scared. And remember that time when he’s nervous for his acting as King Arthur when we were in the second grade, but you didn’t bother asking him If he’s alright because you keep in telling him to make everything perfect. And do you remember his first basketball when we were in sixth grade and you went outside the court at the last minute of the game because their team is losing, scared to see the look on his face, because you don’t want to see him sad or disappointed. Did you remember those time aunt?” my breathe follows, “All those times when you weren’t there, I was there for him, I am not brave, God knows I am as coward as he is but I was there for him, pretending like a hero when my heart is dying because I’m scared too, scared to see him hurting, in pain… the only difference between us is, you let your fear weakens you, while I used my fear to strengthen me. I was there for him all the time, for better or for apocalypse, so what makes you think I’m going to leave him now?”

I waited for her reply but all I can see is pain in her eyes. I can feel her feelings of being stabbed by a thousand spears and she has nothing to do but to accept it.

I ran down the stairs and passed my papa, uncle, the woman and Arjun. I don’t know what on earth he’s been doing here but I don’t want to throw a care. Their eyes are on me as I bolted back towards the door, not minding how loud the bang was. As my soul rejoice with the cool breeze that cleared my mind, my tears from my eyes. I sobbed gently and wiped my tears harshly. Cursing myself.

I stomped towards the place where I released the lanterns, but this time, it stays with me. I unzipped my bag and pulled the baggage out, I placed each on their respective places, as it formed into a heart, I fished the lighter from my pocket and lit up each of them, the lanterns sprang to life and the ground glistened as small flames licked the dews.

Gathering myself together, I rubbed my bracelet, I close my eyes and pray, but just before I opened my mouth, a pang of warmth hit me, I forgot what I should ask Him, but then I closed my eyes and breathe hard before calling up.

“Yow, Jai! I know you’re still up. It’s still 9:20, you’re up till eleven so just come out there, I know you want to, I know you. I know you a lot, I even know what you’re thinking right now. I know you’re battling to peeked at the window and see what I am up to, right? But you refused to so you just sat on your bed and listen to me, pretending like you didn’t care…” my voice trailed, the coldness of the place violates my voice.

“I don’t know if you will listen to me or you just want to go on with being alone until you die but I just want you to know that you’re brave, that you don’t have to be scared. You have cancer all along but with our years in college, I didn’t see fear in your eyes, I know you’re not acting because I would’ve know and Jai you are happy. You didn’t mind about your sickness because you were having fun with me and your family. Jai, this isn’t you, you were just scared of ghost, goblins and stupid hillbillies but deep inside you’re brave, you’re brave enough to take the challenge alone, you’re brave to tolerate the pain just to save your love ones from heartbreak and I’m so proud of you Jai.” I sobbed and bowed my head, lights still flicker inside the lanterns.

“I hope, you can see that… death is not a thing that separates us, it reminds us how important someone is and that you have to value every breathe he takes because everything is special when it is the last time…” I sniffed. “I don’t really know what I’m talking about Jai. Maybe because I read too much of your novels that’s why I have this monologue,” I laugh, so stupid of me.

I sat inside the heart of lantern, the heat radiated to me.

“You know, when I went outside the church, I saw the lantern which I released from here, I didn’t know how it got there but I know it was mine. Your sky lantern, you let them go right? Because they’re meant up there, to where they’re meant to shine beautifully, well, I did it because I know you’re meant up there. But these lanterns around me right now? They’re still here right? You know why? Because just like them, I wouldn’t let you go and you’re meant to be here. It’s just a matter of choices Jai, while you’re still here, you can dance like these little flares, full of life even though they’re burning out, and when it’s time for you to go, you can go…” again, my voice trailed off, my heart is screaming for peace.

“and… I will have to watch you from up there…”

* * *

The earth’s warmth and the lanterns sympathy serves as blanket for my cold soul. I waited for a sign that there was a chance that he heard me, that somehow, he will listen, I know he will. I know him.

I sighed, this has been a long day. I closed my eyes and feel the rhythm of the flowing water in the stream, the gentle soothing whisper of the cold and damp wind, the frantic beating of my heart, the scent of lime… that I’ve smelt ever since I was born sent nostalgia to my being. As I opened my eyes, he was sitting in front of me, I bright smile as bright as lantern as warm as well. He rolled his eyes, and as if by miracle, his mouth moves and a husky sharp voice sings in my ears,

“I love you, Ani…”