My Lantern

CHAPTER VIII

Papa didn't asked me how my visit was, he just let me stay inside my room for the whole day. I'm embarrassed to tell him what just happened when I finally enter his room and see him for the first time since I last saw him during the game. I'm ashamed to tell him how Jai pointed at the door to indicate that he's throwing me out, and that I didn't saw Jai the whole weekend until now.

My pillow is wet and I feel like my heart constricts each time I recall the moment when he wanted me to leave. I don't know what to feel. Angry? Sad?

I didn't notice how the day fleets to night as I lay asleep with a heavy heart. I can still hear my sob in my sleep.

The soft edges of the yellow leaves tickles my feet, the humidity is high and the wind swings gently. I ran and chase the butterflies and I saw a net floating in the air, I grabbed it and as I did, my hands are wet with sea water, I rowed the boat slowly but it wasn't moving, I can feel my sweat trickling, my eyes widen as I saw a huge wave behind me, as I turned back, my sight darted to a man standing up above, at the edge of the cliff, my heart froze, I screamed but my voice was a muffle, I feel deaf from screaming and I can't breathe as my effort from rowing in place takes a toll on me. My body froze, I can't move anymore and he's on the edge, I got to help him, I've got to warn him, but I can't shout and then he came to his very last step where his foot got no more earth to step in, I feel myself sank down to the bottom of the ground, my head swirls as I catch for air when the wave smashed to me...

I woke up in my father's soothing arm.

"I'm here, sweetheart..."

"Paapa..." I sobbed, "paapa, it's Jai papa."

"Shh... I know, I know."

And there he stayed as I drifted off back to sleep.

* * *

Debbie and Mikey must have understood what I've been going through because they didn't bother me the whole morning. As a matter of fact, I want them to comfort me or mess around with me just as what Jai would do but they chose to give me space.

I sat on the bench, this isn't the place where Jai and I stayed during breaks, and I just can't bear to stay there.

Then as minutes went by, I feel like punishing myself for being miserable, I went to the library. I never like reading and staying in a library for me is like killing yourself, I always mutter when Jai mentioned this place but as a friend, I always torture myself by agreeing.

I picked a random book and as I flipped it open, I fainted at the series of statistical formulas. I snapped it close, Jai would have felt the same, and I pull another random book above the table, Collier's Encyclopaedia. I snapped it close. Economics. Snap. Physics. Snap. Research journal. Snap. Psychology... I blinked my eyes, as I find myself getting interested, this might help me.

"I suggest you go straight to a psychiatrist." He said, his tone changed. He spoke in a constructed and relaxed way, it's intimidating. As if I'm not talking to a twenty years old student.

I raised my brow at him, he's on the other side of the table, pulled out a chair and opened a book - Sherlock Holmes after sitting comfortably.

"You look stressed." He said.

"None of your business." I snapped.

"I know it's not. But you could ease your stress if you let go of your fear."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know exactly what I mean, unless you're not aware of what you feel." He said with utmost confident.

I gritted my teeth. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"This, this" I held my hand to be specific, "this trying to act like you're a philosopher or a spy or something, you act as if you know so much about what is going on. And you think you know how I feel better than myself? No, you don't!" I can feel the heat on my face starting to boil my blood up my brain.

"Keep your voice down, please." An audible voice announced.

"I'm not acting as if I know something. You know well that I know a lot." His voice challenging.

It doesn't sound like a brag or a threat, he said it as if saying that the sun is the centre of the universe.

"But it doesn't mean you know how I feel. Have you ever tried having a friend ever since as a child and all of the sudden you heard a news that he's going to die?" I feel my weight pushing towards the table, the corner of my eyes starting to sting.

"No I haven't" he stated simply.

I leaned back, straight. I raised my brows, "See?"

"But if you're truly are friends ever since then you should have known what's up with him, right? You should have known he's sick, no scratch that - he's dying." This time he raised his brow, "but I gathered you already know what's wrong with him but you chose to set it aside."

"I only did that because I respect him, I don't want to push him and I want him to tell me if-"

"If he can't take it anymore? Right?" my cheeks burned. "Tell me, what Kapoor would have done if he had known something's bothering you? Let me guess" rubbing his chin "he would push you to the edge until you speak."

"We're different, Arjun." I defended myself.

"That's probably logical. But the correct explanation to that is because you're pride and fear. You're too proud to get rejected when he won't speak if you ask what's wrong with him right? And you're scared that his answer might be unbearable."

"That's false."

"Is it?

"That's easy for you to say because you're not in my position. I'm just scared of asking him that he might keep it to himself and I'm scared of the fact that he wouldn't trust me with his problem or that he won't involve me in any of that." My chin trembled as I spoke.

"Bingo!" he announced with a snap. "You're scared."

"I'm not scared!"

"Jesus, this is a library..." another voice emerged.

"Yes, you are, you just admit it. You're scared to take a risk. You're scared to ask him the moment you sensed something was wrong, right? And that whole weekend when you stayed at Kapoor's?" my spine tickles, "Did you even bothered to check on him even for just a bit? You did not, didn't you? You were scared at the first encounter when you got to their house?"

"Shut up, Arjun." I said in gritted teeth. He doesn't understand me.

He looked at the book he was holding as I gathered my stuff, I got up and shove the book back to where I took it.

"He doesn't have any time left. Stop thinking about yourself by letting your fear gets in the way. You only think about yourself. You're scared you might not bear to know he's sick right? You're scared to see him so sick on his bed, and you're scared to see him die. Aniah, it's not about how you're feeling for now, you can still live. Think about Jia and how much time he only have left..."

Gladly my back was turned toward him or else he'll criticize me for the tears that just escaped from my eyes but then again, I managed to face him.

"... if you keep on feeding your fear, then you might not have a chance to forgive yourself when he die. I know how many times he throw you away, but why did you let him, why didn't you fight for your friendship."

I opened my mouth to object but nothing came out.

"You know why he's throwing you away? Because he doesn't want to see how hurt you are and he doesn't want you to bother looking after him knowing that he'll die any time soon. It's not just you that he's throwing out, it's his parents as well... that son of a gun has got loads pride too," he mumbled, "don't let him die alone. All I'm saying is: would you rather spend shit days with your best friend until his last breathe or ride with your fears and suffer with guilt in the end?"