My Lantern

CHAPTER IX

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The silence in my room is deafening, my eyes are wide but I don't know where I'm looking. My cheeks are damp and numb and painful, like a finger dipped in the ocean for hours.

What Arjun said enlightened me. I thought I was being a reasonable and a best friend but I lack a lot. I was so stupid, why didn't I think of that?

He's right. I'm prideful, I didn't even told papa about what happened, because I'm ashamed of what he would thought of me, would he think less of me if I tell him the truth?

Arjun is also right by saying I'm scared. He could just say that I'm a stupid assed coward.

And Arjun... was that him at the library? How about the cool Arjun I stumbled upon the Birch tree? Which one is real? How could he change such attitude at some point of time?

My baffled mind was soothed by a gentle knock, papa emerged.

"Hello, princess."

I smiled, "Hello, papa."

He grabbed the small chair under my study table and sat down beside me, we both stared out the window. I know exactly why he's here, and just like me, he waited for me to speak my heart out. Maybe it runs in the family.

I stayed silent, I just don't know what to say or where to start. But as I closed my eyes and never think of fear and pride, I started pouring out my feelings, my guilt, my anger, my honesty, my fear, my tears.

As I sat there, sobbing from the aftershock. My dad pat my back and said, "You were brave for saying it." And my chin trembles as I stifled a sob. "It's alright to be scared, it's a sign that we care. Pride is fine, as long as you didn't harmed yourself for it. You see, Aniah... sometimes, we denied the need for help. But the truth is, we just want someone to appear in our doorstep and offers us a hand. And sometimes, fear stops us from taking risks... and sometimes, risks give us happiness that playing safe cannot offer."

He tucked some loose strands behind my ear.

"I'm pretty sure you just learned something from this old man"

I laugh heartily for the first time in... I don't know. It feels so long. I smiled at him.

"Thank you, papa. I'm just scared that you would think less of me."

"No, sweetheart. You're still young, and sometimes, it takes maturity to know our own feelings."

I chuckled. Yes, my father do know that I am not matured enough to know all of these. My life was all rainbow and unicorns before this and I've never got a time to know myself. He had taught me good manners, kitchen etiquette, how to behave in public, to pray before anything else. But there wasn't a time when I took a time to learn about who I really am. Maybe I am supposed to be a lesbian but I am too busy not knowing myself.

I'm just happy all the time with Jai, with my papa, with school, probably the biggest adversity that I have encountered was Mathematics, but I don't think that enables me to know myself better, I just know I suck at Math.

I don't know... everything seemed too drastic to consider a reality for me.

"And don't forget that you still have me. When you're in doubt of your feelings or you're feeling something off, just come home because I know you better than anyone else."