Life as the Akatsuki's Maid

Chapter 10 Now with 100% less Sasori!

How many years has it been? Shoot don't even tell me. I'll start crying. But, I'm not dead, and I'm back. So, HUZZAH! Also, am I going to hell for that chapter name? Prolly. Oh wellzzzz.

~~

Laundry, laundry, so much laundry... Thank Kami above that they wear black cloaks with red clouds, d'ya know how much money I'd be spending on bleach if they wore white?! Yeah, fuck that.  And the FOLDING. Sometimes I wish they had just killed me when they had a chance. In the new hideout the laundry room is closer to my room, by a happy coincidence, as Kakuzu put it. We all know it was cheaper because of the plumbing ya cheap bastard!

I almost don't even hear Itachi come up behind me, too lost in my own grumbling, and that guy is so quiet that I don't think anyone could hear him. "I'm heading out for a mission." 

Now, he usually tells me when he's about to leave because he needs his cloak from me, but I've been keeping tabs on what all is going on in the world, and, well... I think this might be it. The last one. Fuck. I... I usually have some plan to keep them from going to their death. I dont know how to stop this one though. It's enough to make me pause what I'm doing, and after a moment of thought, I come over and hug him. He's not one to be affectionate, but neither am I. This... Is different though. What can I say to a man that is heading willing to his death, at the hands of a 15 year old? HE doesn't really hug me back, but he doesn't push me away either. Maybe he does care after all... "I'll make dango when you come back?" Empty promises, I know, but... It's something. Did I see his lip twitch? Nah.. Wait, his cloak, right, that's why he came to say he's heading out in the first place. "Here, uh, your cloak. Be safe..."

He takes it from me, gentle as always. It's a miracle I don't start crying until after he's left the room. I barely have time to white off my face on a (clean) shirt before Kisame strides in, also here for his cloak. If he notices anything off, he doesn't say so. Sweet guy. 

Chores always take me a long time, but today it takes me until near dinner time to finish everything up. Crock pot meals are a blessing. I honestly still can't get over how many things we have here that I had back in my world, but I certainly am not complaining! "Dinner's ready!" 

It always takes forever to get everyone to grab their dinner, it's easier to just grab a little card and wheel a bunch of plates fully loaded with food over to the bedrooms, and hand it out. More often than not, I feel like a damned lunch lady, but what can you do when you basically take care of a bunch of children that could kill you with a sneeze if they tried?

That night, after doing an entire mountain of licked-clean plates and other miscellaneous dishes, it's difficult for me to sleep. You'd think a bottle of Sake mulled over between me and Konan would have helped me sleep, but no. Tonight that definitely isn't the case. It's been so hard, getting attached to these wonderful people, then seeing them stride off to their deaths. Hell, the only reason Deidara is still alive is because I recognized when he was about to head out to challenge Sasuke, and I managed to give him food poisoning! Who'd have though you could take down an elite ninja with some slightly spoiled food? They always check the food for poisons, even to this day (And I've been here over a year!) but they sure as heck don't check it for quality! I know I shouldn't mess with the time line, who knows what it'll cause, but... dammit, these guys are my weird, fucked up, rather homicidal, but quite frankly awesome, family. I don't want to lose any more of them. 

That last thought sends a pang through my heart, and I roll onto my side to clutch a pillow close to my chest. I won't let them die... But man, this is gonna be the mission of a lifetime. 

The next day starts as any other, a quick shower, clean clothes, and a strong pot of coffee for anyone who wants it. Tea for me though. I thought I was out, but there's a new box here-- OH MY FUCK. 

I start choking, until a firm hand hits me on the back, and when I finally get oxygen to my already near-delusional brain, I spin around and see-- Kisame? "Y-you're back? I... TEA. Itachi?" Yep, I see I can definitely English today. Damn.

He doesn't seem to care though, too absorbed in getting his black bean fast juice. Like dude, no sugar or anything? Might as well add fish flakes to that! I wonder if he'd notice... Shit, not the point right now. Tea. Itachi. Dammit brain not you too! You're all I have! Stop fish-bowling!

"Mm?... Ah, yeah, we got in this morning. Weird mission alright... Would you believe we brought his brother with us?" 

I must look like a fish right now, and Kisame would definitely be the person to know. Itachi is home safe, he's not dead, and... Sasuke? Sasuke is here too? How is that possible! Itachi always buys me this tea, he won't even tell me where he gets it from, that's how I knew. But he's... Alive. This is definitely straying into dangerous waters... Damn, I gotta stop making ocean puns whenever I see Kisame. 

As fast as non-ninja-ly possible I head down the hall, smacking right into the exact chest I was looking for. "I-Itachi!" Wait... This smell isn't right. You do a man's laundry long enough, and you learn their exact smell. I... Oh shit. "You're.."

"Sasuke. Wrong brother." a flash of tomoe has me skittering back, right into the correct chest. "He's behind you."

Gee, I see why they call him a genius. Is this a bad time to roll my eyes? Probably. "Sasuke, this is Riri, she's... Our caretaker." Caretaker? I like the sound of that more than maid. I blame hidan and all his Maid cafe jokes. Seriously, none of my skirts are anywhere near that short! Speaking of that ass...

"Oi, what's with the family reunion? I need to take a damn shower, fuck outta the way!" Pants. Hidan, I swear, we've had this conversation a million times...

"Wear pants when you walk in the hall you ass!" I even chuck my favorite bunny slipper at him for good measure, and I'll tell myself my aim has improved, not that he let me hit him. 

"Yeah yeah, fuck off," ... This is why I don't waste time even thinking about those abs-- I mean, that jerk!

As the door bathroom shuts (slams), I realize my situation has done little to improve. Here, stuck between one hell of a therapy case. Um... "Coffee?..." I see that I'm very eloquent today. 

"Hn." Sasuke, let's just call him duck ass, doesn't even grace me with a reply, instead just walking right by me, presumably following the smell of the liquid energy. Okay then...

And, then there was one. 

"You're... okay?" He just gives me a look for a moment, then nods and motions for me to follow him. Could my mission of a lifetime be more doable than drunk me ever imagined last night? Maybe... Just maybe. 

~~

I'll start trying to update more just maybe?... I should also go back and redo all the existing chapters too though, honestly, my writing from---holy crap 6?!---6 years ago is so cringy. Anywho, say bye Sasuke!

Sasuke: t(-.-t 

._.