Boyf Riends Oneshots

All My Love

(Trigger Warning: Suicide, Suicide Note)

(Featuring Trans!Michael)

(Michael's POV)

So. Does anyone know what love feels like? I know I've been told countless times, by both adults and kids, that a person my age couldn't possibly know what it's like to be in love.

The only problem with their claim? I do.

He's the only one that can make me smile on the bad days, the only one that will let me rant about random things when I'm upset. His bright blue eyes shine from his face like little crystals from desert sands. His smile is like an epiphany, sudden and strong and clear like the day.

I love him. Whether you can believe it or not, I do. I know I do, because I don't laugh along to the memes about 'my crush doesn't like me back' anymore. Instead, when I see those, I just spiral; falling deeper into this pit of mad longing that I can't climb out of, for I cannot see the walls through the dark.

I know I love him because he brings joy and pain all at once, a wave crashing down upon me- he's here with me, so I am happy; but he isn't on my plane of existence, so I spiral.

It barely feels real, this situation I'm in. It feels like a plot from some movie I saw or book I read in seventh grade. The difference here is that this plot will have no ending. There will be no getting together- he will never love me- but also, no me moving on, finding someone else- I simply cannot live without him.

And I bet it sounds like some wild thing to say! "I can't live without him" is something out of a soap opera, or an anti-suicide advert. How ironic, I think, as I stumble numbly to the bathroom. How ironic that love, for such a beautiful thing, can cause so much pain.

I stand in front of the mirror, and look at myself. When did I pick up this pill bottle? Who knows; but I do know what I have it for.

I unscrew the cap, reflecting on what I'm doing. I guess if I wanted, I could keep on going with life. I could keep walking through the halls, tears not streaming down my face, even though I can feel them piling up, in some lost corner of my imagination, where things make sense.

I could keep watching him ogle girl after guy after girl, commenting on their talents, or looks, or smiles.

I could keep putting on my binder in the mornings, hiding parts of myself that aren't mine- hiding parts of myself I wish never existed in the first place. Living with my stride different than it should be, with chemicals all out of balance.

You see, all the school counsellors, the therapists, the people- they say that people kill themselves because they feel they can't go on any longer. And sure, some do. But me?

I do it because I don't want to.

The pills go down my throat, sliding down into my stomach, carrying my fate with them.

I love it.

I revel in the feeling of them, filling me with hope. I soften at the knowledge that soon I will be free. I won't have to feel anymore. I won't have to know, I won't have to hurt.

Soon all will be dark, empty nothingness, and guess what? I won't even have to experience that! You know why?

It's because I'm gonna be dead soon! Dead, dead, dead! Free!

Are suicide notes usually shorter than this?

Anyway, I'm sorry to whoever finds me here on the bathroom floor (probably one of my moms) but I can tell you that I'm not sorry for what I did.

And Jeremy, if you're out there? If you're hearing this? I hope your date with Christine was fun, I hope you had the time of your life. I just want you to be happy.

And I'm sorry I didn't answer your texts after you told me about the date- I guess now you know where I went. I wrote a suicide note, and then I died!! Was that on our childhood bucket list, Jere?

Can you even remember?

Whelp, I can't really see much anymore, I think I might be crying a little, but I think I'm close to falling away! All you guys need to know is, I love you all. I only regret that I'll never get to see any of you again.

All My Love To You,

~Michael