I have felt my bones stretching
my nose broadening
my hair creeping down to my ribs
I have felt my breasts grow,
hanging heavy on my chest
pulling at my back
the hair on my legs darkening,
curving in between my thighs
I have felt painful bumps push their way up to my skin,
making me hurry towards my makeup bag.
I have felt my mind deepen,
my eyes darken,
my tongue sharpen.
I have felt myself grow.
What a terrible little illusion.
For I am so, so small.
And I am so, so dumb.
Small enough to need Mommy's hand to cross the road
Dumb enough to think I would ever, ever change
Small enough not to be able to tell a good joke
Dumb enough to think that I could ever develop wings
and fly away from the throbbings of youth
and sink into maturity.
An illusion.
A myth.
What a scary little fire I've been playing with.
In my eyes, I am
strong
tall
kind
helpful
smart
good
grown grown grown grown grown
And I cry out now: that must be wrong, that must be wrong!
No one else in the whole world could ever see me like that
They see a scared little child
with unbalanced hazel eyes
with a temper she can never control
disrespectful, immature
obnoxious, unsure
that uses big words to tell herself she has a soul.
I see it now—yes
barely five years old
i am in a pocahontas nitegown
im tired, im cold
mommy can i hav a glas of watr
its lat, im scaired
theyres thunder outside
i need to no sumbodys their
Further back down
and i lose my voice, my walking
falling through a looking glass
no one understands my talking
they just shake rattles in my face
say what a smart girl!
there's a bottle near my lips
toys and ribbons and curls
Back down more,
it's dark in here
there's a cord on my stomach
how am i breathing without air
muffled voices somewhere nearby
i can hear what they're saying:
A boy or a girl?
A girl, I'm praying.
Then I disappear entirely
and wake up inside my bed
with two lumps on my chest
and a crater in my head.
An illusion.
What a scary little fire I've been playing with.
Illusion.
Wake up, Morella.
