Disappointed....
That's the best way to put it down.
Right now I'm sitting on a train, heading back to Seoul. I've left the guys a note before leaving in the middle of the night. Hyunjin did see me leaving but he seemed to understand it.
Listening to sad songs surely didn't help me at all. Not that I expected something different. As I was looking out of the window, tears started to flow. I hated the feeling of crying. My throat started to hurt from sobbing which made me cry even more from the pain. I'm a weak bitch so leave me alone.
Eventually the train stopped at my destination, breaking me from the sad thoughts.
I grabbed my bags and left the train station. I walked and walked until I reached my apartment. I threw my bags to the ground and with that I left. I needed time to think, so I went to a nearby park. Not the one with the playground tho.
I walked and walked again which seemed like hours. I felt so many emotions.
Saddens
Rage
Disappointment
Confusion
Betrayal
And so much more.
My original plan was to clear my head out but that plan failed miserably. The demons inside my head were way too strong so I went home again.
I didn't stop until I reached the bathroom. I locked the door by instinc (not like anyone was there to stop me) and pulled out a small box from the top drawer.
I opened it and I was greeted with a way too familiar sight.... small, shiny, silver blades.
I grazed the top of them with my thum, feeling the cold against my skin. It felt relieving.
I looked at the smooth skin on my forearm. I have never cut myself on the arm, only on upper thighs. That way it wasn't visible to the others.
This time however I was way too upset. I grabbed one of the blades and brought it to my forearm. I slowly started to push down on the sensitive skin while drawing a line. I was going for deep cuts so blood immediately started pouring out. I winced at first but eventually, I couldn't feel anymore. My sight was foggy, all I could focus on was the pain. Changbin's words kept playing in my head....
Cutting was like painting a beautiful picture. You could express your emotions and feelings through some lines and paint. Each line had a different story and emotion. The more paint you use, the darker will the color be, having a more vibrant effect. It was for people who have deep emotions and special ways of thinking.
The light color was for weak people. They are afraid to use more of the paint, afraid of ruining the work.
The real thing is...
The work was already ruined in the first place...
2 weeks later:
I didn't talk to anyone for 2 weeks. Surely they all texted me if I'm alright and all but I didn't reply. Chan was the only one who knew the reason of my sudden 'disappearance' but he kept silent. He did let the others know that I was breathing and alive but he left the details out. For my sake at least.
Yes he knew that I was cutting but he didn't know about my recent one. I went really far last time and there will be scars for the rest of my life. At least I will remember everything that happens when I fell in love. I will remember the pain that it caused me and all the sadness.
Yet again I got distracted from my thoughts form a knock on my front door. I wasn't waiting for anyone so I opened the door. I was greeted with a Hyunjin and a Seungmin. They all had sad smiles.
I embraced them in tight hugs and I invited them in. They followed me behind, without saying a word. I was just making tea before their sudden arrival so it came in handy. I prepared 3 mugs and went back to the couch. I had a feeling that tissues will be needed so I prepared a box of them as well. I gave them their mugs and sat down next to them.
"So...." I started. "Felix we are worried about you." Hyunjin cut me off. "You have been ignoring us for weeks. You are not replying to any of our texts and you are not answering your phone. What's up with you?" Seungmin started.
"I've been experiencing hard shit lately and I needed time to collect myself." I said bluntly. "Is it the Changbin thing?" Hyunjin asked. I slowly nodded.
"Lix, he doesn't remember a thing about that night. He is worried about you just like all of us." Seungmin said and I quickly replied. "But I remember everything that happened. I remember the exact same words he said. I REMEMBER THAT HE WANTS TO STAY MY FRIEND!" I yelled with tears in my eyes and I continued. "Just a friend... nothing more...." At this point I was crying my eye balls out again while hugging Hyunjin.
"Sssh Lix it's okay, It's gonna be okay, I promise..." Hyunjin drew circles on my back while whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep in the arms of my Jinnie.
3rd person pov:
Felix was in deep sleep in Hyunjin's arms. The sleeve of his oversized hoodie got pulled up by accident which revealed the bandages on his arm. Hyunjin's eyes widened by the sight. He quickly pulled the clothing back so Seungmin wouldn't see. He knew that the younger would freak out so he decided to keep it a secret, until Felix tells the others.
"You can go home if you want, I will stay with him." he offered. "Sure?" Seungmin asked. "Positive, I know how to take care of him." Hyunjin said while petting Felix's soft hair.
After Seungmin left Hyunjin released a breath he didn't know he was holding. "We sure have a lot to talk about tomorrow Felix." he said before kissing the top of the sleeping boy's head.
That night Felix didn't have a nightmare, he was sleeping peacefully....
A/N:
Thank you vxvxvj for saying I'm strong and motivating me to become better. I'm feeling better now thanks to you and many of my other friends.
