Barely Breathing

Chapter One

Fast. Faster.
I push myself to my farthest limits. I can see my destination ahead of me and feel the panic settle deep within my soul. I rush past it, not ready to stop and admit defeat. Giving up now would be nothing other weakness. I'm too close to my goal for that. I am not weak. I have the power to do this and I will do this - even if it kills me first. I need to do another lap. I haven't reached enough of my goals so far this month. It's time I reached one. My legs are burning and my feet feel like they are bleeding, but I must not stop. I cannot stop. It's too early for me to stop, too early for me to give up, too early for me to be in this much pain. I'm aiming for six hours. I'm not there yet, not even close. This is the closest I've gotten all this month, though. But celebrating my failure is not what it takes to get to where I want to be. My stomach is hurting now, probably more than it ever has so far, like someone just punched me. It's twisting and bunching up in a tight pinch of a grip. My lungs burn as they fill with the bitter air. It feels colder than it is as I push by trees and buildings. My body is screaming for mercy; for me to stop. I simply laugh and go harder. I'm becoming heavy with weakness and pain, but no one ever won through giving up. I must win.
I make it back to the restaurant and decide to slow down. I can't afford to collapse in the street, not again. With this in mind, I come to a painful stop. I'm breathing heavy. I reach out a hand to rest on a lamppost, but my vision is blurry and full of streaks. My hand goes past it, far too past it, and I fall to the ground instead. A waterfall of clear pours out of my mouth. It quickly turns into bright blood that covers the area. When it finally ends, I flop over. The grass feels softer than usual and I swear the concrete pierces right through my skin. I can feel the invisible blood pour from my legs. The world feels too fast. Suddenly I'm upside down and spinning around. Everything is louder, but noises don't come out to make sense. I feel as though I'm drowning; stuck underground all alone with nothing to save me. My eyes close as I try to make sense of the new world around me. It all soon disappears, but not before a short ding arises from my phone's speaker.

"Babe? Baby, wake up! Please, please wake up!"
A frantic voice calls to me from the beyond. It pulls me out of the dark cave and I'm suddenly surrounded by light again. I blink, repeatedly, until life makes some sense again. I remember my name, where I am, where I came from. I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing, but the important things are still there. I look next to me to where the calls came from and find the only person who's ever made me feel strong. I smile at him as I slowly start to rise. He helps me, not up to my feet just yet, but at least so I'm sitting. There's a small gathering behind him, all being faces I know quite well.
"Hello," I say. I'm still processing some things and I would say that they can tell that quite well by themselves.
"Are you okay? Why are you on the ground?" His eyes are wild - scared and more worried than I've ever seen him before.
"Wesley, I'm fine. I just pushed myself a bit too hard, that's all." I lift myself off the ground. My darling knight not only helps me from the ground, but also makes sure I don't fall. My legs are weak and wobbly. I'm amazed I can even stand at all. However, it does take near all my energy. "I'm okay. What do you say we go inside and eat now?" I speak with another bright smile.
"Sure, but what do you mean by you 'pushed yourself too hard'?" He asks as he helps me stay stable. The six of us start the short walk to the door.
"I ran here and I simply went too fast for too long, I guess." I catch myself staring up at the sky as I go. It's bright out today. Bright and horribly cloudy. The temperature is the highest it's been all week - at something between fifty and sixty degrees. You can't see the sun in the sky, but shadows dance all around our feet. It's nice out, nicer than it has been within the last six months.
"Just how long did you run?" One of our guests, Adele, asks.
I take a glance at my fitness watch. "Four hours and forty-five minutes. Oh, honey!" I burst open with excitement as I lean against him. "Isn't that fantastic? Not only is that my longest running time ever, but I also managed to burn three thousand, five hundred calories. I am so proud of myself! That's definitely at least two pounds down!"
Upon my words, Wesley looks down to the ground and simply mutters a, "Yeah, great." The others don't speak at all.
At the door, I start to pay attention. Wes opens it for me and I pass through surprisingly easy for a person who feels so physically weak. Inside, there are people sitting at tables; some with company, some without. It's fairly empty. A worker, a dear friend of mine, is sweeping up the floors and humming a song to herself. I imagine she's listening to music and decide to leave her alone. The guy at the counter gets done placing and paying for his order so the grouping of us walk up to the old woman. Her face lights up when her eyes land on me.
"Raelyn! Oh, I am so happy to see you. I was so worried when I saw you fall outside. I was about to send Ricky out to check on you when I saw Wesley pull up." She smiles sweetly to him. "Thank you so much for taking care of her. We all worry so much, you know."
"Trust me, Mrs. Elk, I do too."
She gets a weird, sort of distant happiness, in her eyes. "Please, feel free to call me Erika. And who are these folks with you?"
Before he can answer himself or the others can speak, I cut in. "Adele, Elijah, Kristen, and Damien. They're Wesley's friends."
"Oh, how nice! What can I get you all? Raelyn, I assume the usual?"
"You know it!"
I start to wonder off around the little restaurant when a pair of arms wrap themselves around me. I'm squeezed lightly before being released. Before me is my friend, the other worker, Dakota. She has her hand out with a mint and a strip of gum. "I figured you would want something to make yourself feel less. . . gross, I guess you could say." She laughs nervously. "What was that about, anyway? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. It's nothing serious."
"What happened?"
"I ran a little too fast for too long. I'm okay, though, really."
She gives me a skeptical look before reaching into her pockets. She pulls out two quarters and holds one out to me. "Do you want to weigh yourself with me?"
I smile big and cheerfully. "Always," I say as I take it from her.
We walk over to the outdated machine that looks like it came straight from the 1940's. The faded yellow and orange colours make it almost invisible among the walls. She pops her quarter into the slot and steps onto the platform. I read the aspiration to her, it being something about smiles and light hearts, while she compares the number to the list of healthy weights and unhealthy weights from the '50s. Hers is in the healthy range and she's beaming with joy. She jumps down and out of the way. I step up, pushing the coin in, and wait. I hold my breathe in anticipation and fear. My breath catches in my throat and I feel my eyes grow wide. I'm shocked. Of all of the things I could have expected, this number was not it. I smile - wider than I ever have before, probably wider and happier than Dakota did when she saw hers. I check the listing. My smile only grows when I see that I'm listed under "severely underweight".
I step off, still smiling, and prance back to the gathering. I lean against Wesley, hugging his arm. He smiles down to me. I can feel Dakota staring at me, curious about my sudden mood change, but I know she won't ask. She's too worried about upsetting me to ask such a sensitive question. I'm satisfied with what I saw. It's probably the first time I have been good with it in years. They finally finish paying and take off for a booth, food in hand. It's probably too soon for me to risk eating a lot, but I have always gained weight slower than other people and another four-hour run might be better for me than the first one was. Nonetheless, I could use a break from counting and a special treat or two. All the specialists say that's the best thing to do, anyway. I shake my head as I settle down in a spot. These thoughts don't need to be swirling around my head right now. Right now, I need to focus.
I look around the table and catch a glimpse of Adele and Kristen looking at me. They're whispering to each other between bites, which makes me anxious all by itself. I look away from them to my food. I start to eat, trying to keep myself from thinking and worrying about whatever it is they could have been saying, be it about me or something else, but my efforts don't go quite as planned. There are many people around me in this world who hate that I'm dating Wesley. Our families seem happy with the idea, but friends are a different story. A lot of them think that he's too good for me and that he can do better or vice versa. We've ignored it this long - a solid two years - but still, I worry about what some people may do if they're passionate or crazy enough. I sigh and lean onto my love's shoulder in farther attempt to ignore whatever might be floating around my head.
"Hey, Raelyn," Kristen starts. "I hope you don't mind me asking this, but how much do you weigh?"
"Why do you care to know?"
"I know that you don't like doctors because they're always a big deal about it. I just want to know why."
I squirm. "It's because they don't listen when I talk, actually, but to answer your question, I'm currently at. . ." I stop talking for a moment. I look away from her to Wes, silently debating if I should answer that and risk worrying him or anybody at all. I suck a deep breath into my lungs, deciding that I might as well since he'll see it anyway on my Instagram account and it'll be less suspicious than if I didn't answer at all. I sit back up and look to them. I continue speaking, "I'm currently at seventy-six pounds."
The look of shock spreads itself across the table and finds it's way on every person's face; except for Wesley's and my own. He seems upset and bothered by it, but he says nothing. Adele clears her throat, but before she has the chance to say whatever it is she wants to, Damien cuts in.
"What do you mean you're seventy-six pounds? That can't be right."
"It's an old machine, sure, but it's completely accurate and still works great."
"What did you weigh this morning?" Adele asks.
Tossing a glance to them, I see that Elijah and Wesley are trying to ignore the conversation. They're talking about something else, something totally different. "I was at eighty-nine when I woke up."
The shock worsens. "You went from eighty-nine to seventy-six in half a day? That's. . ." She starts counting back.
"A thirteen pound difference, I know. I ran for a long time, though, and I went for a walk before that."
"That's not good. That means you're-"
The conversation stops when Erika walks over. She looks anxious and sorrowful. With the everlasting sweet smile of hers, she apologises for interrupting us and looks to me. "Raelyn, I need to see you outside please. This is very important." Confused, I stand and bid farewell to the others. I follow her out the main doors. We stand on the concrete looking at each other; her with great sadness and me with mass confusion and worry. "Raelyn, something happened.
"Katie went to bed early last night because she wasn't feeling well. She said that her stomach was hurting and that she thought it might be the flu. This morning, I went in there with a bowl of soup while she was still sleeping and left it on her table for her. I didn't even think to wake her up to see if she was okay. I really, really should have." Her eyes start to swell up with tears, and I know that something is very wrong.
"Erika, what's going on?"
The short breathe she lets out is shaky and weak. "Savannah, her mom if you don't know, got off work a while ago and went up to see if Katie was awake yet. When she saw that she wasn't and that the soup still hadn't been touched, she tried to wake her up. She, from what I hear, was shaking her as much as she could, but she didn't budge at all. Worried, she checked her pulse and called the police. The doctors are still looking into it, but they're saying that her heart failed or that she starved to death." She closes her eyes and even though neither of us want her to say it, we know it's for the best. "Raelyn, Katie is dead."
The world swifts. It changes colours and starts to fade darker. Katie is my friend, one of my closest I've ever had. How can she just be gone like that? The air catches in my throat and lets out a gasp of a sound. I start to cry, harder than I ever have in my life. Erika then hugs me. She pulls me into her and wraps her arms around me. She squeezes me tight and I can feel her crying with me. The wind's gentle blowing starts to feel like razor blades and the sky's once beautiful clouds and dim light seems to be more of a mockery; a joke. It's the universe's way of laughing at me for thinking today was going to be good. It started so lovely. And now, instead, I'm out a good friend.
"Do you need anything?" For a moment, I forgot that I wasn't all alone. The hesitant whisper near scares me. I pull away from her and shake my head, wiping the tears out of my eyes. "Okay, I'm going to give you some space. I'll be inside if you need me." I nod and stare at the ground as she walks away. From the corner of my eye, I can see Wesley and his friends talking to Dakota and looking back at me. Wes starts to stand, but he's gently pushed back down. I find myself thankful that I still have people around who understand me.
Lifting my head, I pull out my cell phone. I don't know why, but it seems necessary. My phone, the internet, it's probably the only thing that makes sense. I turn it on and freeze. There, at the very start in the bubble at the top is a message from Katie herself. It's dated from almost an hour ago - about the time I made it here. I unlock my phone and go straight to it. She may not be here anymore, but anything she said before her passing still deserves to be viewed. I start to read:
Raelyn, I'm sorry to say this, but I've been lying to you. I've been lying to all of you. I know I said that I've been doing good in my recovery, but the truth is I dropped recovery months ago. When I was "released" from the center, I was really kicked out for not following any of the rules. I haven't been eating as much as I should. I fast six days a week and only allow myself one small meal on the seventh day. I burn off every calorie I take in and I think now it's catching up to me. I've been in bed paralyzed for the past six hours and I feel like all of my organs are dying. It's getting harder to breathe and harder to stay awake. I'm sorry I did this and the amount of pain you went through watching me be like this. I'm sorry for any pain I'm about to cause you. I never got to my goal, though. Not even once. All I wanted was to reach 50 lbs, then maybe 40, but I never got there. I'm dying right now and all I can feel is deep regret for never achieving that. You've always supported me, so now I'm going to support you. Rae, I want you to do it. I want you to hit 50 lbs for me. I don't care what you do after that, but that is my final wish. Finish my legacy, please. I love you, friend.
I stare at the message, numb and dead inside. I don't know what to think or how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know what to do. I want to cry, to scream and to holler until something makes some sense, but I can't. I don't feel anything. A dark feeling lives inside my heart and it grows rapidly. It's strong. It's a strong feeling of hate, determination, and loyalty. I rush inside the building where my friends await. I waste not a second of my time as I jump over the counter and grab one of the to-go boxes. I march back to the booth and throw all of my food inside of it. Everyone's confused, worried, and shouting questions at me.
"Stop." I state. They do as I say and settle back down. "I have to be alone right now. I have to honour my best friend's death and the best way to do that is to leave. I don't know where I'm going to go or if I'll even be okay, but I need to be alone right now. No one follow me, including you," I tap Wesley's shoulder as I say this. "I just. . . I can't be here right now. I have to go." I pick the box up and bend down to kiss Wes. "I promise to be careful. Take care of yourself and remember that I love you."
I take off back out of the place, box in hand, before anyone can say anything to me. I stop for a brief moment to consider my options at the sidewalk; or the crossroads in my life. To the right, I go back home. To the left, the unknown. A pinch of fear starts to reach me, but fear has no place in missions. I start to run. I dash to my left and don't take a second to reconsider or take a look back. I'm long gone. Gone and ready to make Katie happy.