ATOMS OF YOU

15

And that's how the week went by, college, some homework and a little of office too. It was exactly two weeks since I've left Argentina, and Alex was only reachable by phone, but it didn't mean that we would waste any time to talk, we missed eachother a lot, and I was really anxious about seeing him again. I was all calm around here, but near Alex my heart was always in my throat, sex was still something really awkward between us.
Today I had an appointment with my therapist, Andrea, who was really excited to know about Alex, we would text eachother to know how's everything, we were always in touch.

— So, after all this time by yourself, getting to contemplate your sexuality, how do you feel about being with him, now that he will be back in a matter of weeks? –Andrea asked with a notebook on her hands; I was laying on the divan.
— Weird. It's weird to imagine that scene of the two of us, just picturing him naked it's something that feels weird. –she interrupted
— And does that please you in any way? Or do you like it? –she knew the right questions
— Yes, I guess so. He is a really handsome man, he is in shape and has a beautiful body with really nice skin, I'm attracted to him physically.
— And emotionally? Do you get to feel attracted? –that was rough
— Yes, I mean, we can't stop talking to eachother, and he cares about me as much as I care about him. But I've never been with a man, Andrea. –I needed an advice
— Well, you've never been with anyone but Sophia, and you need to do it with babysteps, you've been progressing with interacting with him and liking him. You might not see it, but you've let a man into your life, which is big. You've always felt reject to men in general, and you surround yourself with girls and gay boys. I feel that you need to free yourself, because as you said, he cares and takes care of you. Let yourself trust him.

And maybe she was right, I needed to give myself a try, and if something can go wrong I could take it as an experience, right?
I left therapy with a lot of questions but with a lot of security too. I walked home, giving myself time to think about all those questions that I brought to Andrea, having all of them mostly solved though.
The moment I got home, Alex texted me, he was really anxious. He was finishing touring, while he was still in Europe, he was waiting for it to end and come back to L.A.

Alex: Someone told me this Friday it's a National Day over there, so why don't you fly to England for the weekend? I have some shows but you could come with me. We can come back together to L.A.

I read the text a couple times and tried to keep everything Andrea told me in mind. I was nervous again. I really wanted to. And I was excited because I always wanted to go to Europe. I thought about money. I was starting to feel a little sad, but then I got in mind I wanted to be happy.
I had a bank account where I would raise money to buy a house with Sophia, I've raise a lot. But now I've decided I'd use that money to travel and stop making long-term plans like that.

I grabbed my phone after some time to think about it, I answered him.

Me: Is this invitation for real? I'd love to, I miss you a lot, Alex. I should watch over my college schedules and my work ones too. Also see the flights availables, where should I even go?
Alex: It's okay if you can't, just let me know and I'll help you to organize. I'll call you later.

And so I was anxious again. This Friday my college wouldn't dictate classes and I would work tomorrow from the office. It seemed like really good plans. I didn't have any doubt. I searched for the dates Alex sent me, it was a cropped flyer with the dates and auditoriums where he would be.
I sat on my computer and searched for a flight on this Thursday, I'd attend college until one o'clock, so I could take the three past half flight to London. He had a show in London this Friday, it would start at night, so by then I'd be there, it's a ten hours flight.
I bought the ticket. It was official. I wouldn't say anything, I'd make it a surprise.

I called my friend Vee on a FaceTime, from my computer as I layed on the bed and she was folding clothes.

— So I bought an airplane ticket to London to see Alex this weekend. –I dropped out of nothing.
— What? You crazy? For a weekend? That's expensive, Izz.–she went crazy
— Yes, I know, I gave myself a treat. I used the money I've saved to buy a house with Sophia, I've transferred the money that belonged to me to my account and bought it.
— Well, I didn't know that. –she was shocked— That really makes me happy for you. I've got something to tell you too.
— PLEASE! Tell me you've got good news for me.
— Remember the guy from the bar? –oh hell yes
— Of course I do, how wouldn't I? –they finished the night being separated with a cold water bucket (almost)
— He invited me to spent the weekend together in Las Vegas, I'm really excited, I like him.

Everything was going really right for the two of us, and I was really excited, this was an amazing day to be a Monday. I prepared myself to go to sleep, made a little dinner and at the right moment I touched the bed, Alex called me.

Me— Hey, baby, I was just thinking about you.
Alex— Hey there, beautiful woman. Me too. I can't wait to see you, this feels awkward, this week felt like an eternity. –he laughed
Me— I've been thinking about your invitation a lot, you know?
Alex— You did? I'm so excited to see you, I'd love to spend a weekend with you here in London.
Me— I've never been there, having a first time with you will be great.
Alex— Make sure you send me all your information, we will need it for the comeback and the backstage thing.
Me— Okay, I'm sending it all to you right now. –I was on speaker, while I texted him
Alex— How was your day? Over here, I just woke up, I'm getting used to waking up in the morning to catch you in your midnight. –he laughed
Me— This time we're managing it's very weird, here is really late and over there is really early. –I laughed and sent him the whole info, and turned off the speaker— It was a really good day, productive, my classmates loved my poetry, and my professor too. So I'm happy too. How's the touring life?
Alex— I want to see some of it, I'd love to. –he insisted— And here everything is really calm, a lot of tea, back to the British ways. I'm missing Sheffield, the next dates are in London, so I'll be staying here these days.
Me— Tell me again about Sheffield.

At night we would talk about everything and get to know eachother very deeply until we would fall asleep, I'd teach him some Spanish and even sing on the phone. He loved to talk me about Sheffield, his hometown. He already knew mine and had walked round it, we've been there together.

Alex told me a lot of stories about his city until I fell asleep, and I could remember the last thing he told me, because the next morning when I woke up for college, I questioned myself what it was, or if it was something important.
After college, I ran to my work and stayed there for four hours. Work in the office wasn't my favorite, because I knew I had one hour of reunion with the whole editorial crew to talk about how we've been working. My boss, Amelia, never complained about my work and she always highlighted my effectiveness. But she wasn't like that with everybody, and I always fantasized in my mind of Amelia beefing really hard with my mates. I don't even know their quality as mates because we never saw eachother and I barely knew their names. I only knew Javier, who was Argentinian too and he was the one who taught me everything, did my interview and trained me. I've been working here for more than two years, and by now, it was a comfortable work that pleased my needs.

The ritual back home was always the same, homework, a little dinner and bed. Sometimes Alex changed my routine with his phone calls, but tonight he didn't. We texted.

Wednesday went by as fast as I could imagine, maybe because I stayed the whole evening overtaking homework from college and getting all ready. I even sent all my drafts to my boss, so I wouldn't have anything to do until next week. I was really happy and the coffee I've had left me tired.
I woke up the next morning fresh as a lettuce. My luggage and documents were all ready. I'd carry it to the college, so I took my bus with luggage and two backpacks. Maybe too much. But at the end of the classes, I left my college backpack on my locker, obviously took the most important things and left it.

Everything was in order. Misha was at my neighbor's for the weekend, work all done and college perfectly ended, at least until next Monday.
Vee accompanied me to wait the Uber, because I had to leave as fast as I could to take my flight. She wished me the best and so I did for her, we both would be having new experiences this weekend. I arrived my plane just in time, did the check in and walked to the gate, even waited in line. Waited more than an hour.

— Hi, my flight is booked at three past half, and it's actually that time, I don't want to lose it. – I asked the woman on a desk for my flight.
— Let me check. –I handed her my ticket and she confirmed what I suspected— The flight is delayed. You'll have to wait until we call for it, check the screens to know the flight status.

And she was right. Delayed. I was stressed by now. I sat next to a window, and tried to sleep for a little. The flight would be delayed for a couple hours and I couldn't change my ticket because there was no more flights to London, unless I'd like to flight tomorrow night. Not really.

It was really late. It was night and the airline brought all of us dinner, they had hungry and angry passengers, so they couldn't fix one of those problems, and it wasn't the delaying one. There was an old British woman next to me, complaining about this issue, and how it was sadly normal a seven hours delayed flight.
I slept a little, the woman would wake me up if anything happened, and so she did later, round midnight. It was confirmed that the flight will be confirm at one in the morning, but half hour later they confirmed it would be later.
I was mad. Mad and tired, madly tired. I slept until two in the morning, when they decided to make us wait in line to finally arrive to the plane.

I looked my phone and had some lost calls from Alex, and really low battery, so I called him back.

Alex— Baby, what are you doing up? –maybe he thought I was in the airport, it was the perfect occasion to make it a surprise, so I tried not to sound so mad and bad temperated.
Me— Al, I woke up in the middle of the night, I'm okay. –and sleepy too
Alex— I thought something happened. I'm glad everything is okay. –my phone was about to turn off
Me— I have really low battery, so I don't know when it's going to turn off, how's everything there?
I waited for a response, but it already turned off, so I kept it on my pocket.

It was my turn to hand the documentation and I finally walked into the airplane. I wanted to sleep so bad, that I sat finally, put my headphones on to isolate the whole talking and complaining from everybody, covered myself with my blanket and slept for some long hours. The moment I woke up, it was already dawning by the window, well it was more than dawning, it was a whole day starting, I forgot the time difference we had with Alex. A couple hours later we finally landed, the speaker said that it was four in the evening, so I ran with some time on my side at least.

I didn't have enough time to rent an hotel and have a bath, so I had to do all I could. I ran to the bathroom with my luggage and changed my clothes, the concert would start at seven. I washed myself all I could with that tiny sink, washed my hair and dried it with the hand dryer. I curled my hair with my curling wand, and did just a little make up. I was looking fine, and felt fresher than I did. I charged my phone just a little, but it didn't work. I had no percentage of battery. I closed my luggage and fixed my clothes for the last time in front of the mirror. I put on a red strapless top with long sleeves, my favorite sky blue jeans and my black Converse shoes, I felt confident, and comfortable too. I left it all inside my luggage, and left my phone and tiny wallet on my pocket. As soon as I walked out, I stopped a taxi.

— Hello, good evening. I'm going to the Alexandra Palace theater, please.
— Good evening for a concert, right? –the nice guy asked, and I agreed with my head
— I'd say the best, honestly. –only I knew what waited for me
— You came from another country for a concert? –since he helped me with the luggage, he knew I was a tourist, and my accent from the United States was really evident
— Actually yes, and came for the weekend too, I'm really excited, it's my first time here.
— Just a weekend? It might be a little short time to enjoy London.
— I know, but I hope I can come back, I'd like to know Sheffield.

The taxi guy talked me throughout the drive and even pointed me some special places I could see from the window. I saw the Big Ben and so many memorial places that my nonna saw back then and always talked me about, I almost could hear her in my mind saying 'I have been there', well, more like a yelling.

The car stopped on a corner and he said the theater was in half block away, there was a lot of people, a lot in fact. I payed and thanked him for the chat and such a nice drive and walked to wait in line. I couldn't call Alex or anyone, but he had my information, he'd list me up. Or at least that's what he said. I walked to the line and asked the two girls in front of me.

— Hi, girls, are you in line for the Arctic Monkeys concert? –I asked them very polite and excited, but they rolled their eyes and laughed at me
— Umh, yeah, but more like The Last Shadow Puppets concert. –they both kept laughing at me
— Oh, yes, I mean, I come to see Al..–the turned around, giving me the back, really rude.

I asked the guy now behind me to save my place, I even left my luggage, he seem like a nice guy. I decided to trust. I walked to the entry of the theater and asked one of the security guys this time.

— Hello, can I ask you a question? –I touched the tall, all in black, big guy, and he turned around
— Yes, what do you need?
— Umh, I came to see Alex Turner, he asked me my information, so I guess you'll need my ID –I grabbed it from my pocket and handed it to him, as I kept talking— And I don't know if I have to wait in line or...–he interrupted me, and he don't even looked at my credential
— Girl, do you know, or can you even imagine how much girls told me this story about Alex inviting them? If you don't have a ticket, you can't get in. That's the whole deal here.
— But, seriously, I can't call him, my phone is dead. –he was really hard
— Stay in line.

I walked again to my place and asked for someone to borrow me a phone, I couldn't remember Alex's phone, but I did Luana's. She might be able to help me. The guy who was behind me borrow me his phone, and agreed to let me do an international call, he was a generous one.

Me— Lu, I need your help. Call Miles, if you still have his phone and tell him I'm outside the Alexandra Palace and I can't get in, my phone is dead and the security guy won't believe me Alex invited me.
Luana— Are you for real? I'll try, but where the fuck are you?
Me— Long story, but please, do that. I love you, bye.

I handed the guy's phone back and waited. This time the line started to walk and I kept letting people go by, cause I didn't have a ticket.
Finally, everybody got in and I was outside still. I sat next to the door, over my luggage, and the security guy was near me. He was taking care of the entry.
I have waited one hour after they all got in, and he was looking at me with petty.

— If you are looking at me like that, at least try to hide it. You are making my day worst after a ten hours delayed flight. –I almost yelled at him, leaning on my knees
— Are you really going to wait for Alex Turner to come pick you up? –he dropped with irony
— He is not picking me up. He invited me. And I'm not lying, what makes you think that I came from the other side of the world to look like an idiot?
— Maybe a free ticket? –he was enjoying it
— Could you just...–I got up and walked to him— Can you just take two seconds from your day and asked for my name? Just two. Do it for a stupid girl that came from the United States for just a weekend. Please. I won't bother you anymore, I promise to leave, but please. –I handed him my credential once more and he grabbed it this time.

He got inside, talking to the microphone he had on his headphone, and disappeared from my sight. I sat again on my luggage, I was about to cry this time, everything was going like shit and I didn't know what to do.
The big guy walked out again and looked at me ashamed this time.

— Isla Grey? –he called me and I ran to him with my stuff
He opened the door for me and walked me in, there was a woman with him
— Hi Isla, my name is Nancy. These are your backstage and V.I.P. tickets, we waited for you on the back entry, but it's okay, the show is about to start, Neil will guide you. I'll take your luggage and leave it in Al's dressing room. Enjoy yourself.

The nice lady left with my luggage and Neil, the big guy, was the one who would guide me.

— You know, Neil, I'd really like to know how many girls came to you with the 'Alex Turner invited me tale'..–he walked infront of me, and I could see his pride
— This is the door to go backstage, and you can enjoy the show from here too, and I'm sorry miss, I'm used to, it's my work. Enjoy the show.

The guy left while I was standing in the middle of the stage and the crowd, it was a little lane created by the fences and the security guys there too. I sat in the middle of the lane, there was some photographers too, and by the moment I sat, the whole lights turned off.

{}

Something started to throw pink confetti, more like petals and I saw him. Alex walked to the stage, back him there was Miles and three more guys from the band. The music started to sound, Alex had a leather jacket on his shoulders, in the back it said 'One for the road', I was daydreaming. I had my chin in the palm of my hand, and I recognized the song: it was a cover from The Smith's, my mom loved him and heard it when I was little.

Alex voice was angelic. So beautiful and strong, but still delicate. He had sunglasses on, and I was obsessed, so entertained. The music was so beautiful, the band and everything was perfect, the lights were red, the perfect amount of smoke made it all delectable to the sight.

"Last night I dreamt somebody loved me" was the song, and I did knew the lyrics inevitably. I was enjoying it all so bad. Alex leaned a leg on one of the speakers in front of him and took off his glasses, I could hear everybody yell, and then I realized he was looking at me. He smiled at me, while he kept singing and in that moment, everybody in the room disappeared and all I could hear was his voice. He looked so handsome with that white oversized shirt and skinny black jeans. The background was so beautiful, all red and those petals falling everywhere.

This was a movie scene for sure. I blew him a kiss and he kept looking at me, with his little smile, I have missed him so much.
The song ended and Miles brought back the music with his guitar as Alex walked back to grab the jacket he dropped.
It was a full orchestra behind them, with violins and other instruments I don't know the name, and then his voice bursted into the theater.

— Good evening, London.

I could do nothing but stare at him singing, dancing around, giving me those sights like it was our secret between all these people round us. The way he sang, danced around and laughed with the things Miles told him, in complicity as the good friends they are. I stared at him and then they started to sing another cover, a David Bowie one. Moonage Daydream. I loved that song.