Deamon within

~7~ Thinking of goodbye

A few days passed, the keeper let me stay in his house. He got me some clothes to wear and I got my own room here. It's not big, but I at least have a place to be alone in.

Both the keeper and Ignis have tried talking to me, but I don't want to talk right now. I have shut myself in my room trying to be alone. Not like that's completely possible with Ignis... But I decided to just ignore him until he gave up. To accomplish that I had to eat and drink the food the keeper brings me daily, which I first didn't want. But Ignis said he'd stay silent until I wanted him to talk again, if I at least ate and drunk.

I can't keep the images out of my mind. Actually they wanted to show what happened in this world, in my house with Sophie and at the hospital. But I couldn't handle it and the keeper decided I'll find it out myself when I'm ready.

In the three days I've sat here and layed on bed, I hardly slept. I probably look like a monster even without showing it. I did find out how to let little flames appear in my fingers. Which maybe ain't a good thing, because out of hatred towards myself I let them making burning places on my arms and thighs. Ignis didn't stay quiet like he promised when I did that, but I've ignored and it seems like the keeper doesn't know yet. I hide the burns with the sleeves of my sweater.

Knock knock. Soft knocking is heard on the door. Ugh what now again, he already has been here today for my food. "Ava, I know you want to be alone and all. But I can't just let you do this without saying, they're having Sophie's funeral today. And I thought, you wouldn't want to miss that", the keeper silently says.

"Sophie...", her name escapes my mouth while a few tears run down my cheek.

"You have spoken again! Oh Ava, please you don't have to answer me or whatever. But I think you should go say goodbye to Sophie. I've seen how close you were and your grief is so great that it nearly makes me sad too"

Did Ignis just.. act nicely and calm? I know I should go and deep within I really want to, but I just feel so extremely sad. Time to decide now, Ava, I think to myself. I hear footsteps of the keeping leaving my door.

"W-WAIT!", I call him back way harder as imagined.

"Great, now, go back to normal don't be this weak"

I probably just imagined how caring he seemed to be a few seconds ago. But no turning back now. The door of the room slowly opens.

"Will you please.., please take me there?", I ask but I don't want to look the keeper in his eyes. I'm afraid he'll see my pain if I do.

"Of course", he's saying and I slightly look up and see he slightly is smiling, in a worried way but still. "I've some clothes for you to wear to her funeral, I've put them in this bag, I'll leave it here and see you down in a bit", he says putting the bag on the ground before walking away. "Thanks", I mumble.

I open the bike and in it is a grey legging and a pretty hooded, long sleeved dress, black from colour. I don't deserve this. I start changing my clothes and soon braid part of my hair, leaving a bit lose to make it look messy and to be able to put it in front of my face if I want, I pull up the hoodie and walk towards the mirror I've had turned around to not see myself. I turn it around and look myself in the eyes, baggy eyes, looking exhausted, burning traces on my left cheek from crying. My hair, ash black from colour looks messy.

"Pretty, no, beautiful and dark actually"

I'm not seeing it, but still try to crack a smile.

"I know you don't believe it, but still I do and practically I'm also you sooo, you still have some sort of ego inside of you"

I can't help it, that actually sounded to funny to not laugh. "Great then I'm perfectly balanced, you do all the ego I do all the insecurities", I giggle. Okay let's go down, I walk down the hallway and down the stairs seeing the keeper waiting there already.

"Ava, you really look beautiful in these", he says. "Are you ready to go?"

Am I ready? I don't know what I will do if I'm there, seeing her coffin, knowing she's really gone.

"Come on, no doubting anymore, go you're not completely alone, you need to say goodbye"

Goodbye.. I don't wanna say goodbye, what if I'm gonna cry what if I lose myself in emotions and ruin everything.

"Come, let's go", the keeper says as he takes my arm and pushes the door open. It hurts a little when he touches my arm with the wounds, but I bite my tongue to not let him notice.

We walk until I see the local graveyard. There are a lot of people, but luckily no police. But it seems like nearly everyone is touched by this tragic incident and want to show their support. Then I see it, the coffin, all in the middle of this huge group of people.

I should know what to say now, what to think now. But truth is, I don't know, I can't think of a goodbye to say. I'm not even sure or it's real.

The keeper slowly tries to get us towards the front, towards her coffin. I reach my hand towards it to touch it, to know or it's real or not.

"Ava don't touch the -"

Too late.