Growing Old With You (Part of Those Three Little Words threequel)

Part 10

12th January 1999
Brian's POV
I was so ready to go home. I missed my family and my friends and I hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks. I was just exhausted physically and emotionally after spilling the entirety of my life to a therapist and groups and being 'fixed'.

It did help, though, I didn't realise how much came from something that happened over twenty years ago. I knew that everything started after Freddie and Dad but when I told her all the other things that had happened leading up to that, she pointed out that so many things have weighed on me over the years.

"Alright, today I think it's best to talk about your friend. You said he died a few years ago, yes?" She asked and I nodded, knowing straight away that she was talking about Freddie, "yeah... seven years ago now" I said and she let out this little hum, "okay. Tell me about him, what was he like?" She asked and I sighed, not really wanting to talk about him but having to anyway.

"Well, he was... he was great. He was always a laugh and... and he felt like a brother to me" I started tearing up as I looked at her and she just nodded, "tell me about some of your memories with him... something funny he did or-just something that's a good memory"

"I remember that I was having an argument with my husband and... well, we were close to punches but he-" I laughed as I remembered what happened, "he was just sat there eating his cornflakes in his pants and completely-calmed down the both of us. It was always the simple things he did that made us laugh" I felt a tear drop down my face even though I was smiling, it was so strange.

"So losing him must have been hard" she said and I nodded, "it was so hard... I mean, I couldn't even hear his name for a year without crying, it was devastating" I said and she took a few notes then put her pad and pen down on the table. "Are you mad at him for dying?" She asked and I was a little surprised, "n-no... nobody could help it, I mean, I can't be... I can't be mad if I couldn't do anything about it"

She looked at me then let out a little sigh, "then are you mad at what made him die?" she asked and I'd never realised it before but I was. I was mad at whoever gave him that horrible disease and killed him. "I... I've never thought about that before" I said quietly and she let out a hum, telling me to carry on, "I'm... I'm mad at them for taking advantage of him like that and-and giving him this thing he didn't even know existed and killing him"

I could barely talk through crying so she let me have a few minutes to compose myself again, rubbing my knee for a bit of comfort. "Do you need to stop? I can end it here if you want me to" she offered but I refused, "no... I'm okay. I just haven't talked about him this much for a while" I said and she gave me a sympathetic look, "I can tell... if you do want to stop at any time then please tell me"

We carried on and she was talking with me about how I felt after he died, if I still felt the same way and by the end of it, it felt like a weight had literally been lifted off my chest. When the session finished, I gave her a huge hug and thanked her for letting me talk to her.

"It's alright, I'll see you next week then, Brian. Have a good day" she smiled and I thanked her again before I headed out, I seriously needed a shower. I looked at myself in the mirror once I'd dried off and ran my hand through the scraggly beard growing on my chin, "god, I need a shave" I mumbled and sighed a little before I got changed into warm clothes.

I went and found one of the nurses but she was busy talking so I just hung back for a minute until the man she was talking to noticed me, "are you alright?" She asked and I nodded, feeling a little nervous because of her tone. "Yeah... um, I-I wanted to have a shave? Can I?" I asked and she looked me up and down then nodded a little, "course... come with me, love"

I followed her through into a little room with a bathroom mirror and a chair in the corner, "go ahead. I have to watch as part of the policy... if you need anything then just ask" she smiled and sat in the chair as I got a razor out of its packet and took some of the shaving cream, rubbing it on over my beard.