Time to get out

I missed you

I went over to Matty's house that night. There was a bonfire going on in his backyard and everyone was going.

They had been home for a week.

A week of Steph and Luke making up for three years of love. Harry making up for three years of being an asshole. And Matty pretending we werent ever anything before he left for three years. Seeing him with Emilie was the hardest thing i have ever had to watch. 

They just sat there, drinking wine and sharing smoke. Not talking exactly, just being there. Like we used to do. His arm around her shoulders and her head resting against his neck. Legs crossed over as they shared a chair. I was oposite them, their faces morphing through the flames between us. Kat and Dylan were next to me and Ashton was on the other side, talking about somthing i was trying to be interested in. 

"Want another one?" Ash asked, refering to my empty cup.

"That would be awesome." I smiled up at him, handing him my cup.

"I'll just go check on Niall then i'll bring it to ya. be about 10 yeh?" He said, holding up his fingers. I nodded and watched him dissapear inside before i turned my head to the sky, watching the embers of the fire melt away against the stars.

"Harper." Someone said my name. Actually not someone. I would know that voice anywhere. Matty. I looked over to him, noticing Emilie was gone. "C'omere." He slurred, patting the seat next to him.

"You come here." I said back rudely, hoping he would piss off. Instead he stumbled over to me, sitting next to me, our shoulders touching.

"How are ya?" His breath was heavy.

"Wheres Emilie?"

"I dunno." He said distractedly. "Why?"

"You should go find her."

"Dont you want to talk to me?" He asked, sounding slightly scared.

"Matty." I started but looking into his eyes the rant i had planned vanished. All bloodshot and watery i couldnt help feel sorry for him. He deserved more then he gave himself. "I missed you." I whispered and watched as his lips turn down.

I desperatly wanted him to say he missed me too but instead he stood up and went inside, explaining something about finding Emilie.

---

The next day i woke up in the back yard of Matty's house. His head was on the grass beside me and his jumper was over half my body. I must have passed out. Everyone else had left and the fire was dying down. We were alone.

His eyes opened as i started to sit up. he had been awake, i realised. He turned to me, eyes red and tired and his stubly face was totally warn out. As i watched him sit up and rub his eyes, pulling grass out of his hair i planned a speech in my head to say to him.

"Matty, Last night you smelled like weed and cheap wine and i wanted to kiss you so badly. You were drunk and high and falling over, but i wanted to taste the alcohol on your tongue. The flames licked the sky while i watched you kiss her though. You were just a boy, lit up by fire with Kendrick Lamar singing in the background, warning me. I looked at your lips as you talked to me, they were dark red. To be honest you looked pretty stupid. Your words were slurred and you kept throwing chips at me. I laughed of course.

We didnt kiss, but we could have. When i think about it now, it would have been easy.

I remember the orange glow around everything. Hazy and burning. There was passion hidden behind my teeth but lets be real Matty. Your a loser. A dickhead. and i like you for it. I liked everything about you. Your hands. the way you played guitar for me that once and your hands are evidence of the skill you have with the strings. I wanted them in my hair, wrapped around my ribs or my neck. But Matty, the point is i wasnted to kiss you. And i could have. Just leaned in and pressed my lips to yours. But you were with her.

And even though you did come home, it doesnt feel like your really here. And i miss you."

But i didnt say any of that. Instead i returned his good morning and followed him inside to get water. My throat dry and my lips cracked. But my heart properly broken.