Time to get out

i didnt see him for three years

I hadn't seen Matty for three years.

Three birthdays, three christmas's and three new years.

He didnt come back a few weeks later, or even two months. He didnt call. He did nothing.

For the first year, i waited. Stayed up just a little bit later, woke up a little bit earlier. I went to the pipes behind the gym and i even walked past his now empty house every so often. I would look for him everywhere. Everytime i saw black hair, or someone leaning against a wall smoking, a part of me would rise in excitment, hoping that he had finally come home. But it was never him.

The second year i pretended he never existed. I stopping looking for him in everyone i spoke to. I started talking to other guys. I forced myself to forget what his room looks like, his sheets, the feeling of his arm on mine. His tattoos faded from my mind and i could no longer remember what they looked like cleary. I stopped whispering to the night in the hopes that someone up there would be able to bring him home. And i stopped wondering if he was even alive.

The third year i told myself i was being stupid. I allowed myself to think about him occasionaly. When it was necessary. I never went past his house, and i even joined a different gym. I focused on a future and stopped dwelling on the past. I unbanished him from my mind, allowing his face to come back into my thoughts. Except now he was somebody i used to know, rather then somebody who never existed.

I still wonder what had happened to him, why he had to leave so suddenly. But its no longer a question that pains me to not have an answer to. Now its just there. If someone can answer then thats good, but if its never answered then so be it. I will be fine with that.

Kat's POV

Harry. Who was he again? I wouldnt know. I didnt think about him anymore. Sure he was the first person i love but the second he left, everything i had ever felt for him became numb, and as far as i was concerned, vanished. Of course a part of me wish he had stayed, but for the good part of two years i didnt feel anything. Just wanting, needing, to know where he was and why he wasnt coming back. But it doesnt matter anymore. His green eyes no longer haunt my dreams and i barely even remember the feeling of his curly hair tickling my face as he slept on my chest.

I have moved on. To better things. To a better person. Dylan. Dylan O'brian was my ex. I dated him back in highschool and although it never was love, it is now. I bumped into him when i was doing a few weeks work over in New York. He was travelling through and we both turned up at this masive music canival and caught up on each others lives over corndogs and lemonade. then he came back to manchester with me and over the past year everything has fallen into place.

It's not like it was with Harry. The passion and need for the other person that i felt with Harry wasnt there. But with Dylan there was a mutual understanding. We just knew each other and that was enough. I still missed the nights when Harry made me feel desired and when he would sneak me out of my apartment to go back to his place. I missed the excitment of him. Dylan liked to plan things out and thats what i liked as well. I always knew what he was feeling and we planned out when and where we would meet up. And it was nice. But although Harry's spontanious ways annoyed me somtimes, i missed them. 

But he didnt matter anymore. We were just memories to each other, if he even rememberes who i am. If he's even still alive. Memories are all we have. and they are enough

Steph's POV

I refused to acknowledge Luke's existence. I hated everything about him. Everything that reminded me of him. At the gym now, i would do pull ups the wrong way, just because it was him who showed me how to do them properly. I never ate chips at the pub because thats what we did. I will never be able to watch spiderman 2 again because he told me it was his favourite movie and we watched it together multiple times. My car doesnt seem so special anymore just becasue he told me he liked it. 

But honestly, no matter how much i deny it. He is all i think about. Even in not doing a bunch of things because i used to do them with him, its still about him. and that annoys me more then anything he could ever do. 

I just want him to come home. I want him back

Kat has moved on which surprised me. And harps seems ok.

But i just cant. Is it really so bad that i miss him more then anything in the world. These past three years are just this big fuzzy mess. Because without him i am nothing. it sounds pathetic but its the honest truth. I just keep imagining him being somewhere in the world, hanging out with the boys and doing what he used to do here. He will have another girlfriend and he will love her so much. and no matter how ugly or gross she is, i will wish that i was her. because she has him. And if i ever meet her, i dont think i would have the energy to be angry at her. I would congratulate her. Because he loves her. i will tell her to love him, and kiss him and appreciate him. Tell her to make him laugh, and to hold him when he is sad. I would tell her to never let him forget she loves him and i would tell her to never break him or hurt him. Because he is all i have ever wanted. He is my entire world.

God im pathetic. and im so aware of it.

But i love him and i hate him and im confused. and i love him