Deceasedless [A Personal Journal] - on hold-

Bathroom? More like Cryroom

Sad Boy Hours

Matilda sat on the rim of her tub, holding her head in her hands. She heard her stupid step-brother pounding on the door, yelling at her to stop being sad an come out. Come out and put a happy mask on and pretend like life isn't hell. Matilda was inconsolable at the moment, Louis's motivational words went right through one ear and out the other. You have to keep believing everything will be okay! Easy for YOU to say! You're dead! Life's easy for you! She argued silently. I have no life Matilda! That's the point! I'm dead! I didn't want to die, that's why I'm saving you from MY fate! Matilda harshly sighed, getting up and staring at herself in the mirror. What stared back at her was a pitiful reflection of a sad, sad, lonely kid. Matilda dug her nails into her wrists. She ignored Louis's pleads for her not too. It was always an anxiety thing. The smallest things had Matilda digging into her flesh like a wolf at feeding time. But Matilda stopped once she felt blood. She needed a hug. 

Oh.. did you just witness a timeskip? Sucks to be you I guess. 

Matilda tightly wrapped her jacket around herself. It was getting cold. Even if two weeks had passed since homecoming, it still stung. Like a fresh slap across the face. School was rough. Avis was set on ruining Matilda's life it seemed. She walked to the bus, with the fresh October air crisp in her bones. 

Leaves crunched under her boots, kids chatted like nothing was wrong. Matilda was wearing the classic "i'm a sad kid" clothing. Baggy hoodie, baggy pants, shoes that are practically slippers, the classic. She stepped into the bus, sitting down. Matilda sighed, pressing her face against the window. It was cold, but it chilled out Matilda's hot face, a face hot with fresh sadness. 

Matilda closed her eyes, listening to the sound of the bus shudder with every stop. Feeling the cold air fly in and out as the doors decided. A dark pit was in her stomach. It was growing with every stop. Matilda wanted to run away, run far and far and eventually collapse. The idea.. warmed Matilda. It melted the icy bones. Maybe that's what she would do. Run away and live in the woods. 

Sketch The Feels Away

Matilda hid in the bathroom for most of the day. It was only until Art Class that Matilda left and wobbled to art, like an emotionally unstable penguin. She hadn't touched her painting in weeks, it was ruined. Matilda kept insisting Mrs. Decosta throw it away, but she kept it in her back room. Matilda sketched a picture of a dead flower, with a dead squirrel behind it. Morbid, but it brought a sense of relief. Maybe Matilda would just get hit by a car, like a squirrel, and let herself decompose on the side of the road. "Nice work Tilly," Mrs. Decosta purred. She was surprised.

"You're not going to mark me any points for drawing dead things?" Matilda asked, blinking. Mrs. Decosta shook her head.

"I can see you're going through your 'blue' period, a lot of artists do." Mrs. Decosta replied, and as if she could read Matilda's mind, she added: "A blue period is a time where you're sad, and sometimes words aren't enough. This piece radiates.. feeling the same old feelings?" Matilda nodded. She did constantly feel like she should die a lot. "Just remember, you can always talk to me. I'm always here, sometimes Mr. Decosta is here, but between me and you, he breaks in here." Mrs. Decosta whispered. "I do not!" Mr. Decosta objected quietly. She snickered. Matilda smiled softly, about to ask to see her after class when Avis whined about something and Mrs. Deocsta had to rush over. Matilda slumped over, defeated. 

........... what you expect a title?

Does anyone care about me? Matilda asked herself, staring at her ceiling. She felt the wood, letting herself enjoy the feeling.

Mrs. and Mr. Decosta, Maggie, Sawyer, your mom, your dad, Louis named. 

Tomorrow is going to be hard. Matilda thought bitterly.

Why's that?

Tomorrow is always hard. You never know what will happen. Matilda rolled over, falling onto the floor with a sad groan. 

That's what great about it. It could be great Tilly. You never know. 

You don't understand. Matilda huffed. You never went through my pain. You don't know what it's like to be scared of your own friends, of yourself. 

I know more than you think. Not everyone will hurt you.

"But you don't know that!" Matilda shouted, tears streaming down her face. "I have to protect myself, I have to keep myself safe! Because no one else will!" She buried her face in her pillow, like a rabbit hiding from prey. "I can't handle it.. being weak.. being vulnerable.. It's what got me in trouble to begin with.." Matilda ran her nails down her skin.

 "I wish this pain could just stop. There's one way to make it stop."

Matilda NO!