As Much as You {completed}

Ezra: 22.

                It was the curly hair.

                It was the bright eyes.

                It was the laugh.

                But it wasn't until Carmen rushed him away that Ezra finally put the pieces together.

                He worked it out.

                Obviously, his mother could probably forget Carmen if she tried hard enough, or at least, just see her when she went to see Adam, but she always pestered for Carmen to come down, for time off work so she could go see her.

                It was so she could see her grandson.

                When Guilia took Harrison, Ezra knew, and he'd turned around and walked down the path.

                He didn't come back till dark, and as he was walking up the path to their house, he saw Carmen and that doctor cuddled up on the deck.

                In that instant, the best thing to do was confront her.

                And he did.

                So when she nodded, and he felt his throat close up, like usual, he walked away.

                When Ezra woke up, it wasn't because he was going to work - John had told him they weren't going out to sea today - it was because he heard a pitter-patter going passed his open bedroom door.

                Curious, he got up, and poked his head out.

                His eyes widened in surprise when he was Harrison in Spiderman pyjamas.

                "Hey!" he whispered. "What are you doing?"

                Harrison grinned. "I went to the toilet."

                "Didn't you wake your mom or d--" Ezra cut himself off. He couldn't call Kevin the father, that would be lying to the  child. That would be lying to himself. His life was already too much of a lie. "Didn't you wake anybody?"

                "You're awake, aren't you?" Harrison tipped his head to the side and Ezra snorted. At least his son was witty.

                "Have you been yet?"

                "Uh-huh. But I couldn't reach the flush."

                "That's OK. There's that saying, anyway, isn't there?" Ezra scrunched up his features. "What is it again? Something about weeing and not flushing the toilet."

                Harrison waited patiently, but it was obvious Ezra was struggling.

                "There's lots you don't remember, isn't there?" Harrison whispered, getting closer to Ezra.

                Water came to Ezra's eyes. First time, really, in years. It had been an emotional day. He had a son. He had something that made him want to remember his old life even more. He had something that made him believe he really had loved Carmen. He had something that made him still feel sorry for himself, but also, made him hate his life.

                He had something beautiful, something wonderful to live for, and yet he just couldn't have it. It had been taken from him, given to Kevin as a son. Along with everything else. Nothing in his old life was the same anymore. Not even his personality, his memory, his brain.

                "Yes." he whispered.

                "You make mommy sad. When you don't remember things, mommy remembers them, and she cries. She says it’s a shame you cared so much about everything back then.”

                “Why is it a shame?” Ezra voice cracked, but he carried on the sentence without crying.

                “Because it hurts so much more to see you don’t care. Uncle Adam tells her it's not her fault you forget things, and that bad things happen, but it makes him sad too. He's your brother, right?"

                As much as Ezra didn't treat him like a brother, he still was. He nodded.

                "Then that makes you my other Uncle. Uncle Ezra. Are you daddy's brother or mommy's brother?"

                Ezra let out a cry, a noise from the back of his throat in distress."

                Harrison shrugged. "Anyway, I'm going back to bed. Before mommy and daddy wake up and find me gone."

                Ezra clenched his fist. Stop calling him daddy! he wanted to shout. He's not your daddy!

                "Harrison," Ezra said slowly. "Do you want to come outside and play with me?"

                "It's still night time."

                "It's half past six. It's morning." Ezra argued.

                "Mommy told me I can't go with strangers."

                "I'm not a stranger," Ezra replied, moving closer. "I'm your uncle, right?" the word uncle was said through gritted teeth.

                Harrison smiled brightly. "OK."

                Ezra scooped him up, put him in his room to find some clothes to wrap him up in. Then dressed himself. Carefully picking up Harrison, watching the boy happily as he flailed his arms around in Ezra's big jacket, he stepped out the front door.

                "Are we friends then?"

                Ezra nodded. "Yes."

                "Do you like children?"

                Ezra did, actually, he didn't know why, but if he ever walked passed a small child, no matter how hard he was frowning, he always stopped and smiled. He loved kids.

                "I do."

                "Others more than me?" Harrison whispered. As if it were a secret. As if it were something important.

                "No," Ezra grinned, staring at the little boy. "You're extra special."

                Then he disappeared, down the path with his son, while Carmen slept upstairs.

This chapter is dedicated to Emma L, a friend of mine who sadly, regrettably, passed away this morning. You will always be remembered, sadly and sorely missed. All the best die young, and you were too young. My thoughts are with you. <3