As Much as You {completed}

Carmen: 29

Carmen ran upstairs; the anguish of the situation was breaking her heart once more – as it always did when she succumbed to hope. She really thought that Ezra would remember something – anything – but he didn’t. It had been five years! He was supposed to remember something by now. He had to remember something by now. Carmen couldn’t believe the doctors, she couldn’t believe her husband, and Ezra was going to remember everything. Sooner or later he’ll remember.

                Carmen ran into the bedroom she was staying in, and found Kevin on the bed talking to someone on the phone. He immediately said that he’d hang up and ring them back later.

                “What’s wrong?” he demanded, getting off the bed. He saw Carmen’s bottom lip quiver, he heard her sniff, he saw her watery eyes. “Is your lip hurting?”

                “It’s got nothing to do with my lip,” Carmen whined. “Everything else hurts. It’s not fair.”

                “What’s not fair?”

                Why did this happen to me? Carmen wanted to say, but couldn’t. She was torn between two men and two lives. Half of her wanted to live in the past, but the other half adored her husband, her life that she leads, and she didn’t want to ruin that by coming across as only missing her old life. It was hard to talk to Kevin about how she missed her old life – because that meant putting it in her mind before her life with him.

                “I’m just so sick of all of this.” Carmen shook her head, trying to wipe at her eye. “Why did I even come here?”

                “You tell me,” Kevin answered softly, a part of himself looking upset and fragile. He knew Carmen had come here because she wanted to get Ezra to remember, because she wants things to be how they were. She wasn’t ready to let go, and she never would be, no matter how much she loved Kevin.

                Kevin pulled Carmen closer, a part of himself falling apart. It broke his heart, too, every second that Carmen thought of Ezra – not just because he was another man that Carmen was in love with, but because it pained Carmen so much to go through the torture of unrequited love from the person who one loved her more than anything else on his earth. Kevin kissed the top of her head.

                “Do you think it’s time to leave, yet?” Kevin asked quietly.

                “No,” Carmen shook her head. She sniffed loudly and pulled away. “No.”

                “He’s not going to remember. I told you, in the hospital, he probably never would.”

                “And I bet you’re happy about that, aren’t you?” Carmen snapped bitterly, walking across the room to the bathroom. “You got to have me to yourself, once you knew Ezra wouldn’t be able to remember me.”

                “You have no idea,” Kevin murmured, “how wrong you are.”

                Carmen stood, taken aback for a moment. “Why?” 

                “I never had you. Not fully. You’ve never completely been in love with me. You never can when you’re in love with two people at the same time.” Kevin stared at his wife from across the room, the distance obvious.

                “Kevin, I—”

                “It’s fine. I forgive you for it every day.”