𝔸 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 ➁

38. Apologies & Insecurities - ✭RAE✭

I blink a few times as I open my extremely tired eyes. I'd barely gotten any sleep last night because Seth was relentless. Seth and I have had sex a lot of times but never like that. I had thought he was rough with me before and I'm now realizing his previous roughness was tenderness compared to what he could actually deliver.

He was capable of absolute and utter dominance, just like me. It's a side of him I'd never seen because I'm usually the one riding him, taking out my damage on him. He usually always gives it to me, gives me what I need because I need the control. Need it.

I'd given him every single ounce of my control  last night because he needed to be the one in charge. I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his tone, he needed to get it out. All of that frustration with me and whatever else was under his skin he'd made sure he fucked right out of himself. The more I feel myself wake up the more I feel the result of it, of him.

I stretch and wince automatically at the painful feeling in my limbs. I'd let him take me in every way last night. He'd been all over me, inside of all of me, relentlessly and endlessly. I'd begged him for more and more until I saw that pain in his eyes disintegrate.

I take the covers off of myself as I sit up in his bed and immediately feel a deep pain seated between my legs. I let out a long breath trying to get the pain under control before I stand up. Once I do I realize standing is even worse than sitting, much worse, and when I take a step forward I immediately fall to the ground.

"Fuck," I mumble to myself, not wanting to wake up Seth. I grab ahold of the nightstand and pull myself up, mustering all my strength as I do so. "Jesus fucking... Mother fucking fuck." I continue muttering a string of obscenities as I stumble to the bathroom.

It takes everything in me to sit myself down on the toilet and when I do I feel a sharp sting from what I believe is a tear down there. I wipe myself and the blood on the paper confirms it. Seth's dick is big, really big. So it's no surprise to me that after taking hours of him pounding into me with all his strength that I tore. Not to mention the brutal ache I can feel from what I'm assuming is a bruised cervix.

After I manage to stand up from the toilet I look in the full-length mirror behind the bathroom door. Jesus Christ. My skin is littered with hickies and bruises. There's two perfect handprints on my hips as well. The last time I looked like this.... I feel myself cringe as I eye my burn scars and want nothing more than to escape my reflection.

I exit the bathroom quickly and walk into the kitchen with a slight limp in my step. Seth's large, half-naked body is turned away from me but when he hears me enter he turns around. Once his eyes scan over my naked body he immediately drops the cup in his hand, spilling water all over the floor.

He quickly walks over to me with wide, horrified eyes. "Jesus, Raegan, what the hell did I do to you?" His hand reaches out to me and I let him caress the marks he'd left the night before on my skin. "Oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry." He shakes his head in disbelief. "I can't fucking believe I did this to you. I didn't know I was being that rough with you last night. I didn't realize." His eyes find mine saying, "I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry."

"It's okay." I mumble nearly inaudibly.

"This," he gestures to my body, "is the fucking farthest thing from okay, Rae. I'm fucking disgusted with myself." He looks off to the other side of the room looking furious. "I fucking hate myself right now."

"Seth, I'm fine. It's okay. I asked for it. I wanted you to." I muttered out each of the words quickly trying to assuage his guilt as I reach up and put my hand on his face. The action causes me to wince though which he doesn't miss.

"No." He swiftly picks my body up and carries me to the bed. "You are clearly not okay. Stop justifying what I did to you. I can't fucking take it."

"I get it, Seth." His emerald orbs search mine once he lays me down. "I get the need to have to take out pain. I do it to you all the time."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah but I'm six-three, two-hundred and twenty-five pounds of solid muscle, Raegan. Me taking out my frustration on you is completely different. I mean fuck just look at you. You're covered in fucking hickies, bite marks, and bruises from me. Me. I did that to you."

I don't look at him as I say, "that's what you used to do with Sarah, isn't it?" I feel his body tense beside me. "Do you miss being able to do that with someone who likes it like that all the time?"

He gets up from the bed not answering my question. Instead he says, "I'm going to run you a bath."

I watch him walk away from me and think back to what Rhys had said about the way he uses, or rather, used to use Sarah. I suppose they used each other really. Is that why he was with her for so long? Because she enjoyed being dominated by him and that's what he wanted, someone to dominate. Maybe she didn't bruise as easily as I do and could actually handle him like I clearly couldn't.

It makes sense given his occupation that he'd want to be the one in control. Maybe being with someone like me isn't what Seth really wants. Maybe he needs someone else. A wave of inadequacy flows through me making a tear slip down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.

"Oh for fuck's sake." Seth hurries over to the bed. "I made you fucking cry?" He sits down on the edge of the bed looking horrified. "Rae, please forgive me. I'm a monster. I can't believe I let myself do this to you. I should've known better but you kept asking for more and I just..." He blows out a long frustrated breath and shakes his head. "I'm sorry."

"Do you really want to be with me?" I ask him through a set of fresh tears. "Like, am I what you really want, Seth?"

"Of course." He grabs the side of my face, making me look at him. "You're all I've wanted for so long. How could you think I'd want anyone else? Why would you think that?"

"Because of that." I gesture to the end of the bed where the majority of our intercourse had taken place. "It's like you were a completely different person with me last night."

His face falls. "I don't like being that guy. I like who I am with you better." He reaches out and caresses my face tenderly. "I haven't been like that," he nods to the end of the bed, "in a very long time."

"Even with Sarah?" I couldn't help but ask him.

He grits his jaw and says, "even with Sarah. I haven't been that rough with her in a long time."

"But that's how she likes it?" And he doesn't have to say it out loud because his face already has. His face told me that's exactly how she likes it.

"I know I fucked up last night. I'm sorry for that." He runs his hand through his hair and tugs at the ends, something he always does. "I just have a lot on my mind right now. Seeing you with Liam and then everything Sarah told me after. It was just fucking rough." He shakes his head again.

"What do you mean by 'everything Sarah said after'? What the hell happened after you left?" I sit up in the bed ignoring the pain in my body as I do so because a wave of anxiety begins to flow through me. "You went to go see Sarah last night?"

"No, I went to the gym and she just happened to be there." But by his tense facial expression something had definitely happened there.

"And?"

"And nothing." He gets up and walks back toward the bathroom.

"You're lying." I get up from the bed and try to quickly follow him but that's kind of a tough task at the moment but I suck it up the best I can. "Tell me what happened, Seth." I walk into the bathroom seeing Seth shut off the faucet. "Tell me what Sarah said to you."

"Take your bath. I've got to head out but I'll be back in an hour or so." He kisses the top of my head.

"Seth..."

"Drop it, Raegan." His tone tells me that I should but me being me I can't.

"No, I want to know."

His features turn angry, "can't you just fucking drop it? It's nothing." He walks out of the bathroom saying, "I'll see you later."

I call his name a few more times but eventually hear the metal doors close, leaving me all alone.