𝔸 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 ➁

47. Among The Broken Glass - ✭RAE✭

I'll be back later to clean that shit up. I need some fucking air.

I replay his words in my head over and over and over as I sit here, staring at the broken glass that litters my bedroom floor. It's a mess, just like everything going on between Seth and me right now. I don't know how much time I've been a numb statue just sitting here blankly but it's been long enough for me to stop feeling my legs. I try to lift myself up off the floor but it doesn't work. I feel like the mirror. I feel broken, shattered, on the floor in a million little unmoving pieces.

Once I'm finally able to pick myself up off the floor I go to my nightstand and pick up my cellphone. There's no missed calls from Seth, not one text from him. It's been an hour that I'd apparently sat on the floor a mess. I flip it open and dial his number. It rings several times before going to voicemail where I hear Seth's deep voice telling me to leave a message. I tell him to call me when he can after I try calling him a handful more times.

Maybe it would be better if I went to New York.

Apparently all the two of us do to one another is drive each other crazy in more ways than one. We're passionate about each other, too passionate. Everything feels more intense with him than it has with anyone else. The emotions, the sensations, everything is just more with us, even the pain. The hurt is indescribable.

I turn to my bathroom and make my way over to the shower. I turn on the steamy water needing to wash this day away. I need to wash Seth off of me, this entire situation. It's all sticking to my skin like a parasite, sucking every last bit of energy out of me until I feel empty and hollow.

I strip down and look at my naked reflection in my bathroom mirror. The windows are fogging up but I can still see myself. I can still see the evidence of him all over my skin in the markings he'd left. Each one spoke of a fiery sexual encounter, one where he'd had his way with me and I'd been more than willing to let him. Just so I could be with him. Even if being with him meant losing myself. And before I know it, all of me is made invisible by the fog overtaking the glass.

I close my eyes when I feel tears begin to slip from them again. Once I make them stop I walk over to the shower and step inside. The warm water would feel good I suppose if I wasn't completely desensitized to the world right now.

New York. I'm going to move to New York.

I think about being that far away from him and leaving him here to raise a child with another woman. The thought is painful but not as painful as what had transpired tonight. Him punching my mirror and walking out of my apartment like I meant nothing, saying we can try to be together. That our futures basically had nothing to do with one another.

I step out, grab my towel, and wrap in around my trembling body. I walk directly over to my nightstand and pick up my phone expecting to see a call but there's none. It's been another hour and nothing. I call Rhys, thinking maybe he's with Seth. At least if he's with Rhys I know he's behaving himself and not in the shower with his ex.

Stop letting your imagination get away from you. I have to say this to myself over and over but the funny thing about anxiety is that it doesn't like to listen to rationality.

Rhys picks up after the second ring saying, "hey, Rae."

"Hey, Rhys. I uh, I was just wondering if Seth is with you." I feel like an idiot calling him and asking this. I feel like one of those obsessive girlfriends. Because you don't trust him. My inner voice whispered inside my head and the thought makes me want to drop the phone.

"No, why?"

I hesitate before replying, "well, he, uh he-" a sob escapes me before I can hold it back.

"What happened!?" I can hear Rhys walking hurriedly now. "Where are you?"

"Nothing," I sniffle trying to contain my tears. "It's nothing, Rhys. I'm fine."

"No. Where are you, Rae?"

"Home."

"I'll be there in a few minutes."

"No, Rhys-" before I can say anything else he hangs the phone up.

Fuck. I shouldn't have called him. He's going to come here, see the mirror or lack thereof, and flip the fuck out. I know he's going to lose it. I try Seth one more time but I get nothing. Nothing. I feel another set of sobs escape me. I let myself drop to the ground in front of my nightstand, still in my towel and let the sadness overwhelm me. Before long I'm balling my fucking eyes out.

Every single thing Seth and I have been through plays before my eyes. Now it's come to this. It's a fucking disaster. He's having a kid. I'm moving to New York. The two of us can barely survive this relationship when we're together. Who knows how this will end with us apart and him here. Here with a kid and an ex girlfriend who'd do just about any crazy fucking thing to be with him.

Like enjoy him dominating the absolute fuck out of her.

The thought makes a fresh wave of tears come out of me. I clutch my towel tighter to myself. I wish he were here to hold me, to cast away all of the doubts plaguing my mind, to tell me everything is going to be okay. I need him to tell me that he loves me. But he's not here. He's not even picking up my phone calls. No, he's ignoring me.

Just like he's going to do if you move away.

I press both my palms to the sides of my head and let out a sound that is a mixture of crying and screaming. I just want it to stop. There's all of this doubt and crazy fucking bullshit playing in my head. I just want it to stop.

"Rae!?" I hear Rhys call out into the apartment. "Raegan!? Jesus fucking Christ are you okay?" I feel his arms wrap around me. "Are you hurt?"

I blink my eyes open, "no, no..." His eyes scan over my skin and I know he's taking in all of the hickies, the bite marks, the bruises. "I'm fine, Rhys." His features harden. "Seriously," I say through tears, "I'm okay."

"What the hell is all of this?" He gestures to my body. "Tell me that's not your blood out there."

"It's not. It's Seth's blood." His features contort.

"What the hell did you do to him?"

"Nothing, he uh..." I look behind him and off to the left. "Got really upset and..."

He follows my gaze and exclaims, "he fucking punched the mirror, didn't he?" He curses under his breath several times before he says, "Rae, his head is all over the place right now."

"And what, mine isn't?" I sniffle back the last of my tears.

"It doesn't need to be, Rae." He gives me a sad smile. "He's my best friend but he's shit at handling his feelings. Ever since his mom died he's been kind of an emotional wreck."

I want to tell him that I've been an emotional wreck ever since what happened to me happened but I'm not telling him that. No, he doesn't need to know about what Collin did to me. Both Seth and I are just one giant heap of damaged fucking goods inflicting more of it on one another as we go along. I was thinking we were mending each other but what if this entire time we were just gradually pulling each other apart.

I'm now realizing that piece by piece and fragment by fragment thats what we were doing. Just a never-ending cycle until neither of us have anything left to give to one another. But the intensity of it all feels so fucking good and that, here lately, I'd rather be torn apart by my love than put together by anything else. 

"I'm moving to New York." I state out loud.

"Is that what this whole thing was all about?" I nod. "When are you leaving?"

"Right now."