vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter fifty-nine

tears stream down my face almost immediately when i see that there is a small letter placed on the floor in front of my doorway. i could've completely forgotten the letter i gave colby last night if i didn't see another piece of paper, sitting there and waiting to be opened. i hear rustling from above the stairs, probably the boys cleaning up from the events of last night. i cringe as i remember the mess that was made in our brand new, spotless house.

i bend down and pick the paper up, to see that it is soaked in god knows what. i shake it out a little, running my fingers gently over the words that i am dreading having to read. colbys handwriting is messy and it comes back into my memories that he was drunk last night too. after months of insisting he wouldn't drink, why did he last night? was it because of jake? is everything falling apart because of colbys unsolvable emotions?

i sit back on my bed, unmade and messy from the night before. colby insisted on tucking me in, and i giggle to myself as i remember his frustration. i refused to get under the blanket, and he refused to leave me uncovered. he said he didn't want me to be cold. maybe i was wrong about what i wrote, maybe he is there for me more than i want to admit. maybe i'm just creating problems for myself, similar to how i used to when we first met. i overthought his every movement, and it became exhausting. i don't want to go back to that.

i unfold the wet paper, taking in the scene in front of me. colby wrote me a letter? what could he have possibly said in it? after last night, i'm not sure if i want to know. i think i could easily go back to my routines, forgetting any of this ever happened. but i don't want to keep having this problem arise. i know we need to figure it out now, or we never will.

my eyes fixate on the opening words.

dear, andromeda

i brace myself for a break up letter, even though i know it is irrational. it's absolutely crazy to think that he'd leave me over this, right? the paper is covered with words, front and back. what could he possibly need so much space to say?

if you want complete honesty, you are right. i am irrational and insane about this. i go out of my way to make sure everyone knows that you're mine and i am probably so wrong for that. you're right. i should trust you, i should believe you when you say you'd never hurt me. i know the intensity of your love, and i don't know why i ignore it so much. i am so stupid for making you feel this way.

i guess i never told you about her, and i guess you wouldn't want to know. i had a girlfriend a few years ago. she was my first girlfriend outside of school, and i took our relationship so seriously. i found out that she cheated on me consistently with one of her close friends. i lost my mind and i thought i'd never fall in love again. i didn't want to fall in love again. i didn't want to feel that pain again. i didn't want to live knowing that i hold someone on such a high pedestal that i can just trust that they won't hurt me. i don't trust anyone except for myself, and sam. i spent weeks, maybe months crying over her. i spent all this time begging for someone to tell me it was all a prank. i didn't want to believe it, because i trusted her. i loved her, just like how i love you. i didn't want to admit my love for you at first because of her. because i couldn't stand the idea of letting someone consume my life that way again. i didn't want it, i wanted to run from it until you got tired of me. but you didn't. you took my insanity like a grain of salt, and you ignored my every attempt to make you hate me. you fell in love with me despite my actions. i knew i couldn't run from you, and for a while i was okay with that. i thought that it was different. but when you got closer with jake, i couldn't handle it. i thought you'd end up just like her, and i know i am wrong for that. i can't compare you to anyone else. you have no one to compare me to, so why should i do that to you? why should i compare you to the only girl who ever broke my heart? you are so amazing, and i don't know how to comprehend the level of admiration i feel for you. it makes me feel like a love struck idiot. that's how i felt with her. it's fucking stupid that i even think that way.

truth is, you look happy when you're with jake. he makes you happy. he makes you laugh in a way that i feel like i can't. he makes you giggle and i hate that. i hate the idea that he can make you feel safe like i can. i know you love me, but i hate having the possibility that one day you could love someone else the same way. he makes you look sane. he makes you look normal. i make you seem crazy, and i make you question everything you think you know. i know what i am doing when i do it, and i know how stupid it is. i still say dumb shit, and i still do things i shouldn't. even when i know it'll hurt you, i just want to deflect my pain. i want to pretend i am not at risk by loving you.

maybe it's not the same, maybe you're right. maybe it's all in my head and not yours. maybe i'm delusional and i shouldn't think all of these things, but when i see you together i can't help but imagine a life where you're happier with him. i can't help but picture an alternate scenario where he holds your heart, and i do not. i worry that you might feel for him the same way you feel for me, or anyone for that matter. i think maybe if he was the one who approached you the night we met, your life wouldn't have to be so hard. it could be so much easier for you without me. you two would be perfect together. he'd lift you up every day, he would never make you cry. i would be able to see you truly happy, every day you wake up and every night you go to sleep. you wouldn't have ever had to deal with the way i acted, and the way i still act. you wouldn't have to deal with my stupid shit.

the smile you get when he tells his newest joke, i admire it. i want to see it all the time. and sometimes i feel like i am incapable of making that smile appear even just once. i feel like he makes you happier than i ever could. i am wrong. i am stupid and i am deluded. i am living in a fantasy thinking that i deserve you. i don't. i deserve someone who will hate me for saying this. i deserve someone who will scream and yell at me for being an idiot. but when you read this, you'll rush into my arms and tell me everything's okay. i know you will. and i'm not saying i don't want that, i'm simply saying i don't deserve it. i don't deserve you, andromeda. i am not good enough for you, and everyone including jake knows that. i've heard them say it. i've heard their hushed comments about my behavior. i never told you that. i never told you about the day i heard devyn admit that i am horrible for you. it hurt me, which is why i hid that from you. i didn't want to admit how right she was. she was right to believe that i would only hurt you in the end. but i don't want to. i don't want to prove her or anyone else right.

i make you mad, i make you cry. fuck, just today, i made you have an anxiety attack because i couldn't own up to my shit. i couldn't admit that i need you. i couldn't admit that you mean the world to me, and this stupid jealousy isn't anger, it's pain. i am in pain when i see him making you happy. i don't and can't expect you to stop your life for me. you are allowed to have fun with other people, smile for other people. even jake. i just can't stand the thought that they make you happier than i do. i don't want to see devyns words become a reality. i would hate myself forever. i never wanted to corrupt you, i never wanted to ruin you andromeda. i love you with every fiber of my body and even though i am not good at showing it, it's nothing but the truth.

i guess my intentions are bad, i guess i am selfish. i guess i am awful in so many ways. maybe you're right and i am vexatious, but i don't mean to be. i don't mean to drive you crazy. i am simply in love with you, and holding that back is impossible. after all this time of having you to myself, it's hard to be forced to share. you are perfect, and i am no fool that believes everyone else is blind to that. i know these boys see the way your hair falls, and the way you squint your eyes when you are uncomfortable. i know they notice when you bend down and you show off your beautiful body, unintentionally. i know everyone else knows your beauty, not just me. i know i am not special for being in love with you. it's hard to not be in love with you. everything you do is so tempting and alluring, and you are the most enticing human i've ever met. but they don't see the way you hide your face when you laugh. they don't notice when you bury yourself in your thoughts just to escape reality. they don't notice how you giggle under your breath. they don't notice how you hide your smiles when jake says something a little too morbid to laugh at. but i do. i see everything, i notice everything about you. i love you.

i don't deserve you andromeda.

i don't deserve your patience or your kindness. i don't understand why you still give it to me after everything. i don't deserve you, one of them does. but i am selfish. i want you for my own. i want you on my side forever. i love you.

so maybe i don't deserve you. maybe i'm a fucking idiot for thinking that i do. but that will never put a pause or any sort of caution on my love for you. nothing will ever stop the way i feel for you.