vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter seventy-one

why can i not just give you every bit of love that i have? why can't it be that simple? why can't i hold you close to me every day? why does it hurt when you're gone? i am annoyed that it has to be a problem. i know if jake was thinking it, you must've been thinking it too. why does it have to matter? why does our relationship have to be so hard?

i thought maybe once we moved in together, everything would fall in to place. how come it's doing the opposite? how come when we finally get through all of our issues, new ones arise? how come when i'm finally feeling stable, everything i thought was solidified suddenly isn't anymore?

you're all i have, and i know it might be unhealthy but i don't want to have it any other way. i want you to be my best friend, i want you to be my everything. you give me a rush that i can't even begin to explain, and i want it to stay that way. i hope you don't think differently. i hope you don't think i am too much, or that you'd be better without me.

if i'm being honest, i miss you. i miss you more than i know i should. i know you should be able to go home every now and then, and be away from me. but i can't help it. i miss you, i miss your touch. i miss your voice, and having you around every second. i can't help but doubt us and how things are going. jakes right, it's probably why we fight so much. i love being intoxicated by you and around you, but what if that's the very reason we fall apart so often? i can't bear the idea of losing you from having too much of you.

a few months ago, i'd say fuck it and keep you near until you inevitably leave. after you said you wanted to be with me forever, my mindset changed. i can't keep thinking in the moment, because now i know you want more than just this moment. i was just clinging to you so i could maximize my time with you, but the idea that you want me forever sends my mind into shambles.

on one hand, i would love to be with you forever. i would love to have you by my side until my dying days. i know it sounds crazy, because you're the only person i've ever been with. but right now, a life without you sounds like a hell of a life. i can't imagine never waking up to you again, or never kissing you under the moonlight again. i can't comprehend what it would be like not having you as my boyfriend. you're all i want, forever. i don't need to feel this way for anyone else if i always have you. i don't need to get used to anyone else's touch, because yours is all i need. you're all i need.

being with you forever, that's what i want. but on the other hand, that means change. that means i have to stop thinking so selfishly, and stop subconsciously assuming our time will come to an end. if we are in this for the long run, i have to alter the way i've been thinking and that's terrifying. if you're not going anywhere, i don't have to be around you all the time. i don't need you by my side 24/7, because we have plenty of time. but i'm damn near terrified that i'll get so used to the ideal of forever and get let down. i'm horrified that you didn't mean the words the way you thought you did. i want it. i want you forever, but i don't know if i'm ready to take that leap of faith without being able to read your mind.

how do people do this all the time? falling in love has been the most thrilling and dangerous thing i've ever done, and i can't imagine doing it again after you. after everything we've shared, i'm not sure i could ever start new with someone else.

damn you, cole.