vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter sixty-two

the car ride home is dead silent, and i don't lift my head from the window the entire hour. after avoiding going back inside for as long as i could, the boys decided they wanted to leave anyways. i stayed in the passenger seat, not looking at colby once. the air is thick and it only grows thicker as we arrive home and i am faced with deciding what to do next. do i avoid colby, or do i figure this out once and for all? am i even capable of that? after what happened tonight, is that even possible?

"andro?" corey calls out as i begin walking towards the stairs to my room.

"yeah?" i turn to him, noticing that everyone else is already upstairs.

"do you want to come hang out in my room? you don't have to, i just want to help," he smiles weakly. i feel bad, because i know how much colby would disapprove, but i can't help it. i need a friend right now, and corey is treating me with levels of kindness that i don't receive from anyone else, even jake. he gets it, and he is willing to talk about it. jake gets it, but will only crack jokes about it until i think of it as humorous. i can't dismiss this anymore.

"yeah," i say, turning my feet and following corey up the stairs and into his room. i set my phone down on his table before sitting quietly on his desk chair.

"how are you feeling?" he asks once he gets settled, sitting on his bed and taking his phone out from his pocket. i watch as he records a video, probably for snapchat, posting it and returning his attention to me. "sorry, i want people to know we're friends," he smiles like a child and i giggle out. i need another friend, so i don't mind.

"i'm okay, honestly. i mean not really but you know," i sigh. he nods along, showing me that he understands. i smile as he holds his hands out for me. i quickly get up and take his offer, engulfing him in a well deserved hug. if it weren't for him picking me up, i don't even know what i would've done. i just ran from colby with no aim and no jacket, it was ridiculous. he helped me when i needed it and i want to show him my gratitude for that.

"do you think he hates me?" i ask, letting my thoughts spill from my mouth when we finish hugging, and i am sitting next to him.

"definitely not. he practically begged one of us to go find you," he admits and i nod. why did i assume he would know where i was without colby telling him? i didn't even think of that.

"i don't want him to think i hate him, i just can't believe he did that..." i trail off. he nods along and waits for me to continue, and it isn't until my face meets his that i realize i have more to say.

"you know, everything would've been okay if he didn't do that. we could've talked about everything but... he just really let his pride go. he could've messed everything up. imagine if julia didn't believe me!" i ramble.

"wasn't colby the one who made her believe you, though?" he asks, making me think harder. he is right, colby did help me out but there wouldn't be any need for it if he hadn't made the stupid comment in the first place.

"it's my worst fear, you know. having that happen in front of so many people. he knows how bad my anxiety can be, i could've seriously had a panic attack!" i ramble, trying to find more and more reasons to be angry at the boy. i know i shouldn't be holding on to this, but my heart is aching and i need someone to blame, because it can't be me.

"andro, stop doing this to yourself," corey pleas with me and i have to breathe deeply in order to process his tone. he is so serious.

"what do you mean?" i ask, knowing the answer. i just to hear it from someone else.

"you love him, and i know you need time. i'm not saying don't give yourself time, i'm just saying you shouldn't spend that time being mad. you should spend it thinking of your next move. i made that mistake with devyn. i got so angry that i never thought about what was next, and it drove her insane. she left me because of it. i was too unprepared to deal with anything that came up," he rambles and i find myself crying once again. will this night ever end?

"you're right," i admit. it's reluctant, but i know he is telling the truth. he knows me better than i want to think, only because he has experience. but i need to remember that he knows what he is doing, because his advice could actually help.

"i know, i'm sorry but i just have to tell you how it is. i can't watch you make the same mistakes as me..." he trails off and we are hugging again within moments. i am still letting tears stream shamelessly, even though i barely know this boy and crying in front of him is embarrassing. he brings a strange sense of comfort, and i know i can trust him. he reminds me of katrina in a way. she never had to try to earn my trust, she just immediately had it.

"what do i do?" i ask, looking into his eyes, searching for an answer beneath them.

"i don't know, only you can decide that. just do it rationally. you love him  and he loves you, carefully consider every option."

the room is silent for a few minutes before he speaks again, breaking my soul down to pieces with his words.

"just take it easy, don't push yourself so hard. you will figure it out in time, and don't let anything sway your decision. it's all on you," he says. i want to tell him that he is right yet again, but i am not sure.

"do you have any paper?" i ask, frantically looking around his room for a pen that i noticed earlier. when he nods and assures me that he has a notebook, i pick the pen up from the table and sit back on the headboard of his bed.

"i'm sorry, i just need to write..." i trail off, embarrassed by my sudden retractions from our conversation. "no it's okay, you can stay here as long as you want and do whatever you want. i don't want you to have to be alone."

i wonder if you know how much that hurt. i wonder if you are sitting in your room across the hall regretting your decisions. i hope you are, because if you feel no remorse i won't be able to forgive you. it's not the jealousy that hurt, it's what you did.

i could've dropped to my knees and lost my pride in front of everyone if it had gone just slightly worse. i could've fallen apart in the middle of that stupid restaurant. i didn't even get my pasta!

i love you, i really do. i feel as if i love you too much right now. even though you did something horrible, i simply can't find the courage to dismiss my sympathy for you. i know you did it from a hurt place, and even though i am endlessly angry at you, i want to hold you right now and tell you that i will never hurt you. i want to kiss you and assure you that your fears are irrational, and will never become a reality. but i can't. i can't promise you we'll make it through this, because i can't say if corey is right or not. sure, it makes sense. this should be my decision and i should figure it out on my own, but this is a relationship.

i don't know much about dating, but i do know that devoting yourself to someone involves being committed enough to figure things out together, rather than separately. shouldn't i care a little more about your opinion, too? maybe i'm wrong, and maybe this is all on me. maybe you have done something so insane this time that it should be my choice. but i can't do this, not alone. i can't decide "what's next" by myself. you've helped me with everything so far, why can't you help me with this too? why can't you run and fall at my feet with apologies? i know i would push you away either scenario, but it would be nice to have a reason to consider forgiving you. i can't forget this if you don't apologize. maybe it's too early to think that way, though.

maybe he is right. maybe i need to wait it out and see how i feel tomorrow. maybe i should just calm down for once in my life and leave things up to fate. maybe i should let life take its course, and stop trying so hard to control what happens to me and us as a couple. maybe this is something for the world to fix, and not me.

i can't shake the laugh you let out from my head. you sounded so pleased at your work, the entire table was staring and i had three different people looking at me for answers that i simply couldn't give. you knew i'd be dumbfounded by your words, and you had to have known how i would've reacted. what you did was by far the worst thing you've done so far, and it even tops kissing amelia. i can not forget this, and i can't let it go easy. my mother would call me a weakling and tell me that natural selection would get me if i did. she would shame me for wanting to believe you blindly. typically, my mother's opinion wouldn't matter to me anymore, but right now, she would be right. she would tell me that i need to stand up for myself, and she would be nothing but right.