A Christian Teenager

2017 Was Rough.

In the beginning God created many things, among them, men. Men can be blessings and also the most annoying and painful parts of living. Although we live in an era where everyone is more open minded and women are free, life still hurts women the most.

The beginning of 2017 was the ending of my Junior year of High School. During that time I was the craziest most sinful I had ever been in my life (not going into details but it's nothing physically inappropriate). Due to my many recent heartbreaks that year, I stopped caring and I searched for more in older men. I met this one guy, I'll have him go by the name of Derek. Derek was a few years older than me (I was 17).
He is the reason I became who I am. He treated me as an adult and never made me feel as though I was a little girl in high school. But beyond the way he spoke to me, he also made me catch feelings for him. And along with those feelings, a whole new side of myself was shown. He didn't care about my feeling, he was an adult.
Nonetheless I loved his attention. I wasn't just a pretty girl I was more... Due to my age he began getting bored and we started to stop talking. I had to search for attention within guys my age. So I hit up this guy named Alberto.

Alberto was that one unreachable hottie in high-school, but I went to middle school with him so I saw him more as a dorky hottie.
He had a glow up and therefore it got to his head how handsome he was. He was also the guy I would talk to off and on trying to start something with.
It never worked out, oddly enough we always liked each other but just at different times.
After that fling with him I was tired of not having someone ready to love me and date me.
I talked to many different guys, used some to gain perks of free makeup or food. It was that year when I became the worst me I had ever been.
How can a Christian girl be so selfish?
Soon enough, summer arrived. I moved 20 minutes away from my high school and that meant I had to enroll in a new one, so I did.
I was anxious that summer so I did what I was best at doing, found another fling.
We will call him Mark.
Mark had been my forever crush since the 6th grade, but never made things work until 2017. He and I clicked again like always, our energies were always the same.
He knew just how to talk to me and make me feel special. I was always on the hunt to feel like I am more, and explore and be told how special and amazing I was.
I thought he was the key to my happiness after all. And he really want to try with me, he was so nice and caring.
He'd always pick up the phone saying "hi beautiful" . I had never had a serious relationship so I had no clue what to expect.
But if something felt serious this was it. We always tried to hangout but he always had to help his dad do something. He always had an excuse.
A person that really wants to be with you will try no matter what.
I was 17, I was naive and desperate. My love and care for him was innocent and true. I trusted him with my life.
But every time I spoke to God he told me that Mark was no good for me. I did not want that but I listened to God.
I explained to Mark that I couldn't because God talked to me and told me it wasn't right since he wasn't a Christian. Things ended.
But they started right up, and again with the same excuse ended. I hurt Mark, and yet he took me back one last time. But this time he was in California. Mark was distant with me this time. But still treated me special.
I felt so good about him I was posting him on all my social media's, that also happen to be public. Two hours after I posted a picture of Mark with a cute caption explaining my feelings, I get a message from a girl.
She had asked if I was with Mark and I told her yes. I asked Mark if he knew her but he said he didn't, maybe just someone that knew him from Instagram.
And since I trusted Mark. I trusted every word. I laughed at her because I thought she was a jealous ex or something. Mark was freaking out.
I went along with what she was telling me as if she was lying to me until something clicked. The night before he ghosted for two hours after he told me he was picking up his little sister from the park.
I began to actually seek this girl and ask her questions. She gave me a full story on what she and Mark did that night and she had picture proof and his sweatshirt.
My world... my world took another turn. He was making me feel special but he was also making her feel special.
I wasn't the only one. He told me he wanted me and that he didn't even like her at all, that she wasn't cute, and many things while I was still shocked and hurt.
I don't care.
What Mark did was too much, and he blamed it on me because of each time I had left things with him. But I never two timed him. I was loyal to someone I wasn't dating and that was my mistake.
I obviously ended things, and with that my relationship with God had grown.
I got my strength back by allowing the Lord to strengthen me.
I asked for forgiveness because I had not listened. The lesson here is that when God speaks, you HAVE to listen. God never tells you something because he wants you hurt.
He always wants what is best.
I didn't need a love test from just any man when Jesus had given me the biggest love test of all.
It's that voice in your head when you are about to sin, or trust something new. They say trust your gut, and know your gut is God.