🌠A dream of A fan Girl🌠

🌠Chapter 20🌠

weekends na ngayon and as usual wala kaming pasok at parehong nakatingga kami ni dianne sa apartment na inuupahan namin.

"so anong plano mo?"mabilis na ibinaling ko kay dianne ang paningin ko dahil sa tanong nya

"what plan are you talking about?"nagugulohang tanong ko sa kanya.

Bumuntong hininga naman sya ng malalim bago muling mag salita.

"you s-said na ititigil mo na ang kakaasa kay R-Ryde what's make you change your mind?"bakas ang pag aalinlangan sa sa tanong nyang iyon.Maging ako ay ikinabigla ko ang pag tatanong nya sakin tungkol sa pag sasabi ko na ititigil ko na ang kung ano mang feelings ang nararamdaman ko para kay Ryde.

Weeks pass when I say it to her but she was just talking and opening that topic for I don't know reason after how many weeks have pass?

Anong nakain nya?...

Deretso kong itinuon ang mga mata ko sa kanya at pinakatitigan sya ng maigi.Kita ko ang kagustohang masagot ang tanong nya sakin sa kanyang mga mata bagama't naroon pa rin ang pag aalinlangan.

Napabuntonghininga pa ako saka ko iginala ang aking mga mata sa kabuon ng aming apartment.

Sa totoo lang I really love Ryde..I'm fucking so in loved with him that I can't even let go those feelings easily.I can't even stop my head from thinking of him for time to time,as I close my eyes his the only image that I can see....

Ni hindi ko alam kong paano ko uumpisahan ang walain sya sa sistema ko.My whole system was screaming and fucking seeking him..

How could I erase this damn feeling if my heart was dying to him..And I can't stop it from wanting him!!

Damn it!

"I am not forcing you to avoid him now because I know you're really in love with him b-but Ash..I-I don't want you to hurt your self from loving him when the truth is he c-can't love y-you back..."muli ko na naman naramdaman yong kirot at sakit ng sabihin nya ang mga salitang iyon..

Those words really broke my heart into fucking pieces...

Masakit....

Sobrang sakit....

Napakiramdam ko libo libong kutsilyo ang ibinabaon sa puso ko..

Bahagya kong naibuka ang bibig ko ng maramdamang parang may kung anong bumabara sa lalamonan ko.Maging ang mabilis na pag iinit ng mga mata ko ay ramdam ko.

Peste!! Dinaig ko pa ang broken kung makaramdam ng sakit...

I shouldn't feel this bullshit pain,dahil hindi ko naman sya boyfriend not even friend..Wala akong karapatan na masaktan dahil wala akong relasyon na pinanghahawakan sa kanya I was just a acquaintance of him...

But damn it! I can't help but to feel this bullshit pain!..

Nag mahal lang naman ako ng hindi ako mahal..Great ashley!! You love a person who can't love you back! Tsk!

"y-you how I become miserable when I fell in love to a guy who can't feel the same to me ash....Alam mo ang pinagdaanan ko..Masakit,mahirap at nakakabaliw.That though na b-baka may chance naman na maging kami,b-baka pwedeng maging kami just like the stories and novel I've read..P-pero hindi eh...Because that was only a fiction...We can't just look up and relay to the novel or movie that we read or watch na sasabihin natin na totoo lahat ng yun..Because the truth is all of them was just a kathang isip.lahat ng nababasa natin those all happy ending between na two lover was just a fiction hindi totoo at hindi magiging totoo..Tsk! Kaya nga itinigil ko ma ang pag basa ko diba?..Because I don't want to be trapped on the belief that I've read that happy ending and forever was existing...Kung mag babasa man ulit ako ay iyong may mga tragic ending na"mataman ko lang syang pinakatitigan bagama't pinilit nyang pag mukhaing biro ang sinabi nya sa huli ay ramdam ko na sensiro sya sa sinabi nyang iyon.

I even saw her furtiveness wiping her tears na nanggigilid sa mga mata nya.

I sigh again as I roamed my eyes until it landed to Dianne's eyes.Bahagya akong yumuko ng kaunti saka muling nag angat ng tingin sa kanya bago mag salita.

"I-I letting my feelings go now...And I admit it,it's not easy just what I expected but I have too...Maybe y-you're right dapat simula pa lang pinigilan ko na ang nararamdaman ko dahil masasaktan lang ako...I was just blinded by the feelings I felt from him and I was so stupid to fool myself and make me believe that I can be with him and we can be a lover"umpisa ko na sa kanya pa rin nakatuon ang paningin.Kita ko ang awa sa mga mata nya sakin...

And those pity I saw was the pity I gave to her everytime that I'm looking at her eyes on her miserable moment..

I didn't expect na makikita ko ang awa na sa kanya ko dati ipinupukol sa mga mata nya and this time ako na ang pinupukolan nya ng awang iyon.

Mapait akong napangiti saka nag baba ng tingin dahil sa pang gigilid ng mga luha ko.I tried to hold my tears but it's just that I am so feelin vulnerable this time..

Tsk!

Kahit na nag unahan sa pag patak ang mga luha ko ay sinikap ko pa ring mag salita but unlike kanina hindi ko na kayang titigan sya dahil sa pag landas ng mga luha ko...

Damn tears!!

"I-I am so stupid to let my feelings grow like this!..S-siguro kong umpisa pa lang pinigilan ko na tong pesteng pakiramdam na to?..Maybe I am not hurt like this! M-maybe I am not fucking suffering this pain that I can't even bare!.."sambit ko pa na garalgal ang boses dahil sa pag iyak

"t-that feeling na sobrang lapit ko na sa kanya b-but I can still feel the barrier between us?..Yong pantay na pantay na kami pero hindi ko sya mahawakan..Pakiramdam ko sobrang layo ko parin sa kanya..Akala ko dati pag nakapantay ko na sya I would have a chance to be with him just like on the novel I've read...But I think y-you're right masyado akong nagpaniwala sa mga nababasa ko..And I am very stupid to believe on what I've read" I let my tears fell as if it was like a falls.

Ang sakit sobra....

Nasasaktan ako sa pag mamahal na ako lang naman ang nakakaramdam..

And I really damn hate it!..